When Blending Families, Mix Well

I don’t usually blog about our blended family, out of respect for the boundaries and privacy of my beautiful stepdaughter and her family. In addition, since there really aren’t many blended families in Christian blog land, I always assumed that not many would relate or even care about the inner workings of what can admittedly be a sometimes delicate arrangement. However, I’ve felt compelled to offer what little wisdom we have acquired over the last 14 years because, as I am learning daily, there is always something to be gleaned from the myriad experiences of the women whose blogs I read, and I may have something of value to say to someone else. This post is more about the things that my husband has done right in our particular case, and many of the principles used to keep the peace in our family can really be applied to any family, blended or not.

Our blended family is decidedly different from most in America because there was no previous marital relationship, meaning we do not have the baggage that drags down a lot of blended families, causing them to collapse. My husband’s eldest was the result of a teenage high school relationship. While this is more common than it should be, it still isn’t quite the same as having an ex-wife. That said there are still pitfalls that had to be avoided and things we learned simply through trial and error. The most important lesson we’ve learned is that since our family will never mirror the typical Christian ideal (whatever that is), we must lean on God and His grace because there is no room to for presumptions or to take any thing for granted.

The first lesson we learned in the blended family process (or our family in general for that matter) is that our children must understand that our marriage relationship is the foundation of our family and household. Children are masters at exploiting weakness and cashing in on residual guilt we may have for whatever mistakes we made in the past. Seeing that time travel is impossible, the best thing you can do for your children in this current situation is to build as strong and loving a marriage as possible to insure that they don’t have to ever go through this process again. This effectively removes the time tested kid weapon of divide and conquer. Consistency is key here because the more effective you are at making your priorities clear, the sooner that weapon is neutralized-forever.

One thing my husband did that I appreciate was shunning the very appearance of evil. We both live in the city where we were born and raised. While I had a fairly limited and sheltered social life as a teen and young woman, my husband and his brothers were quite the guys about town. In the 15 years we’ve been together I can probably count on my fingers the number of times we’ve been out in public and he isn’t recognized by someone, either personally or through the resemblance he bears to one of his brothers. So when we married he was careful to never, ever go to pick up his daughter for a visit without me in the car. I can remember some Fridays I would say to him, “She’s on your way home from work, just swing by and pick her up on your way in.” He refused to do so without picking me up first. In more recent years my stepdaughter has lived in another state so that hasn’t been an issue but in hindsight I can see the wisdom of his approach. Depending on the circumstances of each family’s situation, be very careful how interactions with the ex are handled. I believe this not only contributed to the stability of our early marriage years, but also set a stellar example for all of our kids.

I was raised in a blended family that never quite blended, so this next lesson is one I brought with me when we began our own family. When we got married, we quickly learned to recognize that as one flesh it is impossible for one of us to have business that doesn’t include the other. My stepdaughter was still a toddler when we married so I’ll admit this may have been easier for us than most, but the principle still holds true. Discipline, scheduling, and financial decisions are always made as a couple. I may have only given birth to four kids, but I am a mother of five. In my house growing up there was always a sense of my dad and his kids and my step mom and hers. Hence they dealt with us along those lines as we grew up. And our blended family never quite blended. That dynamic still exists today and they’ve been married for 28 years! We refused to allow that to happen in our house. We. are. a. family. Period.

If there is one thing that has made the difference in our household, I’d say that was it. As impossible as it is to deny the realities of our family structure, we have been diligent to make sure that underneath our roof, we function as one family unit: Mom, Dad, and 5 kids (soon to be 6!). Even though my stepdaughter is only here full time during the summer, her presence is always felt. My kids, even at their advanced ages, looked temporarily confused when they accompanied me for an ultrasound recently and I told the nurse that this child would be my fifth. I explained to them that this is a medical visit and they are only concerned with the number of children I’ve actually given birth to. Then they understood my answer. Their response let me know that our family has indeed blended well. And it did my heart good.