A thoughtful reader sent me this video link to a news story covered on ABC’s Nightline news magazine program. The topic of the story was the large numbers of attractive, successful, and educated black women who are unmarried, presumably not by choice. They also address the very real crisis of marriage that has birthed the adage that a black woman is more likely to be struck by lightning than she is to be married- if she isn’t married young. This is not at all a new conversation.
While it may be novel to the mainstream of America, it was no epiphany for me to hear and read the statistics that bear out what the black community has known for years: It is rare that the typical American black woman will make a trip down the aisle. When make it cross that hurdle, and marry a black man, the prospects of divorce are higher among black couples in their first marriage than any other ethnic group. The situation is so dire that some have absurdly begun to suggest that maybe marriage isn’t for blacks after all. And even more absurd is that they have been given a national platform to support the nonsensical notion that God’s design for stable families and societies isn’t a viable plan for us at all.
While I have no desire right now to get into the how-to’s of keeping a marriage together, I hope I have some words of wisdom for my single 21st century sisters, of whatever ethnicity, who despair of ever finding a man to share their life with. I am a 38 year old black woman approaching my 16th year of marriage. What’s more, I actually know many other happily married black couples. Sadly, it also is true that I know far more single (never married) mothers than I do married ones, but the fact remains it is not impossible for a black woman, or any woman to get married, even in post modern America. Even given the admittedly narrow pool of eligible black men. This is a problem I acknowledge as real, but not insurmountable. It is definitely harder, but the blame for that lies mainly at the doorstep of women. Each woman will have to decide for herself how much of this culture’s dogma she is willing to throw away in exchange for the possibility of happily ever after. The key is to not be the typical American woman.
I hope you were able to take a minute to watch the video . It was short, only 7 minutes, but in it was a wealth of advice on how to stay single, even as the women in the video thought the things I am going to list here made them a good catch. This is why I say that women have to decide how much of our culture’s dogma they are willing to discard if they want a family.
Before I get into what I know is a controversial and politically incorrect series of considerations to increase the prospects of attracting and marrying a good man, I want to pause and add that marriage shouldn’t be the goal of every woman. There are good women who, for whatever reason, only God knows, have lived their lives without a husband despite their best intentions, and still live fruitful, full lives. I truly believe that God has a plan for each one of our lives, and while marriage and family is the norm and heart’s desire of most women and many men, sometimes we have to trust God if our plans don’t pan out. We need to learn to serve Him with joy whatever our state, cultivate contentment, and bloom where we are planted. Says the happily married blogger. That said, many women are alone because of misplaced priorities, procrastination, and poor judgment.
One of the first things I noted about the women in the video was that they are all very accomplished women, from a worldly perspective. Leaving aside, for the moment, my reservations about the very compatibility of career women and marriage, I couldn’t help but wonder how many American women had the opportunity, when they were much younger, to marry and start a family but decided not to because they had to check off their achievement to-do list, only to find later that the men who were available, marriageable, and willing to be married have moved on to marry women for whom love and marriage were a priority at the same time as it was for them. There are biological imperatives to consider that we have tried to ignore, to our detriment. I know several women who squandered their youth and discounted good men as they pursued their degrees and indulged their sexual whims while dating recreationally. Most acknowledge that it was a mistake to postpone a family for the sake of their education.
I am not against women receiving an education. I have a college degree, and I expect that all of my girls will earn one as well. However, I earned my degree as a married woman, and I have explained to my girls that educational pursuits are no excuse for delaying marriage, particularly if they have no intention of being career driven anyway. Factoring our narrow, God-given fertility window and the difficulties many women have trying to conceive for the first time in their 30′s, can you blame men who have a desire for children for choosing to marry young and marry a young fertile woman, rather than one who is not only past her reproductive prime, but has also spent the better part of a decade perfecting a lifestyle of “liberation” and independence?
I realize that we have a crisis of maturity in our culture and the very idea of marrying young seems like a risk to many. In fact, conventional cultural wisdom has enshrined the idea that any contemplation of marriage before the age of thirty is a gamble. This, however, is a parenting problem more than anything else and I am convinced that early marriage, by people of strong faith, morals, and commitment has a much better chance of success than a marriage between two older people who are set in their ways and view marriage as an addendum to an established identity rather than the merging of two as one flesh.
As I contemplated this post, I did a mental checklist of the women in my life who are in good marriages. I am fortunate to have friends of many ethnicities, but for the sake of continutity, I wanted to share a few anecdotal statistics of the 8 married black women, including myself, that I have the pleasure of having regular acquaintance with. All but one have been married a decade or more. Six of the eight of us have college degrees, but only two were over twenty-two when wed, and our husbands were young as well. Of the eight, four are at home full time, which puts to rest the myth that there are no black women who choose to be homemakers. This brings me to my first piece of advice: If you plan to be a bride, don’t wait. Marry young. There are many advantages to this, not the least of which is that you build a foundation early for a strong marriage unlike older couples who may have a more “yours and mine” mentality instead of “ours.”
Another problem with delaying marriage, particularly for women without a commitment to Christ, is the baggage of involvement with multiple men. The chances of a woman without a strong faith remaining virtuous until marriage, especially a late in life marriage, are virtually nil. The myth of innate female virtue is just that- a myth. I couldn’t help but notice the phrasing the reporter used as she profiled the women individually. She made a point of reporting how much time had elapsed since their last “commited” or “exclusive” relationship. The wording indicated that while the women hadn’t had an exclusive relationship, they had been involved in casual relationships. Hardly the approach to romance that would inspire a man to get down on one knee. Despite the bill of goods the media attempts to shove down our throats, very few men are interested in siring offspring with a woman who has been with more men then he can count on one hand, let alone two. Despite the feministic rhetoric we have been spoon fed for the past 40 years, women will never be able to get away with engaging in the same behavior that society excuses in its men. A woman of little virtue may get plenty of dates, but not many marriage proposals. Of course, a woman who marries at 20 years old hasn’t had as much time to play the field anyway.
In addition to marrying young and avoiding revolving door dating habits, I am going to suggest something that would seem counter-intuitive in today’s world. I suggest modesty and a rejection of the androgynous culture that seems to have engulfed every sector of American life. If women want to be seen as potential wives, we need to be seen as uniquely feminine creatures. One way to do that is to not expose and accentuate every bump and curve of our bodies when we get dressed. Thisis not feminine behavior. It is sexually aggressive. In other words, it’s masculine. Again, it’ll win dates, but it won’t inspire a man to take you home to meet his mama.
I am not one of those women who believes that women need to wear dresses only, eschew makeup, or go out of our way to pretend that we don’t have curves. Not only do I not believe it, but I am married to a man who wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. There is a balance between being attractively feminine and being immodest, and I have personally found that it really isn’t as hard a balance to strike as many women have found it to be.
Other ways to embrace your femininity, and by extension your attractiveness as a bride? Learn how to cook. Please. This is basic, but increasing numbers of women are lost in the kithcen. Wear a skirt every once and a while- preferably one that covers your knees thighs. I enjoy the comfort of a pair of jeans as much as the next person, but we’re embracing our femininity, remember? Don’t be high maintenance, particularly if you plan to stay at home and raise your own children. A man understands that if you are used to perfectly manicured nails, bi-weekly pedicures, and weekly salon visits, he’s going to have to foot the bill for these when your maternal instincts start to pull you back to the nest. You can learn to do these things yourself. It may not be salon perfect, but you can look good without breaking the bank.
There is so much more I want to say on this subject, but for the sake of brevity, I think I’ll open the floor for discussion.
What do you think is behind the increasing numbers of women, and black women in particular, who cannot find a mate?
Did you hear the one lady’s comment: she’s been forced to be less picky about height in her man. She’ll have to settle for 6′ 1″ instead of 6′ 5″. Are you kidding me? That’s just the beginning of what I thought was wrong with those ladies. And by extension, much of American women today. I would expound more but I’m really supposed to be upstairs teaching math. Great post though. I don’t mean to be a cheerleader but “RAH RAH!!”
Good post, Terry. My 2 boys find that girls are not interested in them, because they are “too nice.” (I raised them to be gentlemen.) And, they go/went to a Christian college!!! We used to have to boys (brothers) in our church, also, who were told by girls that they were “too nice.” Both of them eventually married women several years older than they were, who were old enough to appreciate somebody with manners. Oh, boy! Too many young women today want a “bad boy.” This is dumb, but I think Hollywood perpetrates this idea.
Seriously Mary? They say your godly, responsible young menr are “too nice?” What does that mean? They want someone immoral, disrespectful, and unreliable? Stuff like that rankles me. And yes, so-called Christian women are guilty of this nonsense as well.
As for the older women who marry the younger men, that makes me uncomfortable too because I can’t help but wonder if they, having made many of the mistakes outlined here, see the younger men as easy marks, a short cut to the altar. That might not always be the case, but I wonder.
Yes, Joanna, the height thing tickled me. There aren’t many 6’5″ men walking around anyway, outside the NBA.
Not only was it superficial, but it signaled that she may have had a whole list of superficial requirements on her “what he must be” list.
Terry, I am so glad you are writing about this crucial subject in a thoughtful and direct way.
It seems like women are encouraged to be better men than men are. As young women we are demeaned and made fun of if we are consciously preparing for marriage. We are taught that we should act like men in all the worst ways (cursing, sexually aggressive etc.), compete with them, yet still expect that they’ll be breaking down our doors with an engagement ring in hand, all the while having these ridiculous expectations all stemming from selfishness and superficiality. It’s a big mess.
When I finally got a clue, I married someone who most women would quickly dismiss as being “too nice”.
Very interesting video, Terry, and an always thought-provoking subject matter.
My first thought, when viewing these ladies and seeing them as examples of young professional women in our society and their single status, is how many of these women are following the Lord? I noticed that the one lady mentioned her Bible, which could perhaps be indicative of faith, but I must also be up front here and say that I find it hard to believe that any woman who’s heart and mind were focused on Christ would have time (or even be attractive, honestly) to a man who would keep her on rotation with a number of other women. There seems to a different value set here than is present in the women I know who are focusing primarily on following the Lord, and I think, *especially* in this day and age in our society, that a solid relationship with Christ is a prerequisite for any hope at a successful marriage.
Sadly, however, as you mention in your article, even believing girls who do love and serve the Lord have their values askew and line themselves up for either permanent singleness or marital problems with some of their life choices. I find it interesting that you said you completed your degree as a married woman. As much as I of course champion education for young women, I also see the issue of four years of college as a real stumbling block to young people staying pure until marriage, getting married, and having a successful marriage.
Many of my girlfriends feel obligated to finish college before marriage, and then struggle for how ever many years with either their high school or college sweetheart to resist temptation and have something left to be excited about for a marriage once the degree is earned. On the other end, I have girlfriends who get married during college, but find their first few years of marriage are incredibly rocky as both partners try to juggle school, and often jobs, and the hecticness of homework and study requirements, with the obligations to one another as a married couple.
And of course once a degree is earned, the obligation to pursue a career is there even with most very ‘conservative’ Christian women today, and so you have the years of pursuing this over focusing on being a homemaker or a mother, or trying to do it all at once and losing your mind, that makes either marriage, or having a successful marriage, difficult for women.
I think Mr. Harvey did say something very honest and telling at the end of the piece, and that was his admission that his generation of men did not do a good job of raising the next with a knowledge of how to be men. And this most certainly transcends any sort of color line. Women are not alone is putting pressure on themselves to work and have a career; many men expect this from their girlfriends and wives, even if they start having children. I am aghast at the number of my girlfriends who’s husbands expect them to bring in the same amount of income, and frown upon the idea of having a stay at home wife and homemaker as a partner, even Christian men. With these expectations coming from all sides for women today to value a ‘man’s world’ over the traditionally female domain, a young woman has to be pretty strong in Christ to have her values in the right order. Lord help us.
Thanks for the links and the discussion, Terry!
Oh, there are soooo many reasons, lets see if I can articulate some of what’s swimming around in my head…
I read this after Amy @ Humble Musings (I think) recommended it:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html
It deals more with marriage within the church, but it hits home with several marriage issues. Esp. that society and the church spends so much time on dating, sex, and “finding the one”, that we don’t teach commitment, maturity, responsibility, etc. People don’t really want to marry or grow up. They just want the thrill of sex, drama, and romance.
Look at how many young men want to play video games in their 20′s and 30′s now and how many young women in the church want to be freed from the 50′s housewife responsibilities while staying at home as they feel is best for the kid. So many young, Christian women expect men to fund an unrealistic life of leisure while they use mother’s day out, preschool, take out, after school activities, nannies, keep up with the Joneses, and such. No wonder so many young men feel overwhelmed and scared. Their not exactly getting Caroline Ingalls in the churches today. Diligence, frugality, industry aren’t big buzzwords in single’s groups. Most of my girlfriends and I who do finally manage to land one of the few godly, mature men in churches usually end up fighting with inner rebellion as we adapt to the monotony and daily drudge of homemaking and babies. It’s been a long maturation process and I’m no where near where I want to be. I’m just glad I’ve grown up enough (at 36 no less) to realize what I ought to be and not resent it.
As for the Black issue, I think back to your post about the T.D. Jakes movie and your husband’s experience. Black men have.it.hard. I realize that it’s a problem that might partially perpetuate itself, but it’s a grievous cycle however it continues. You’ve mentioned before the numbers of black men in prison rather than in college. I read this article this week and was dismayed by these other sats:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122367407
It states that white felons have an easier time getting jobs than black men without any criminal history. It seems no matter how good a black guy is, he’s got a constant uphill battle every single step of the way. It seems the same way with the black women he dates. Many of your comments (you aren’t giving them the hard time, but referring to the problem) and those I’ve heard from other sources seem to reinforce this. Black women en masse don’t want to play the fool and they won’t trust themselves and their children to a traditional Biblical model.
Terri, I hope this part doesn’t offend, but I have two Black college friends who are on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, Impact (works with Black students). My girlfriend used to find her biggest challenge w/in the Black Christian community to be a lack of in depth Bible study. The students were on fire, willing to attend tons of services and clubs, but were lax in their independent reading. She attributed it to the lack of education in the slavery days and the time that followed. Even as Blacks became more educated, she felt that within the church the community never pursued extending that to the Biblical realm. Have you found this to be true in your experience? Could it be that large numbers of Christian men and women within the Black community don’t know what God expects in this area b/c they don’t read much of the Scriptures, but just follow the popular church trends? Maybe this is true at churches throughout America, but we both went to a heavily academic university and I attend a reformed church, so individual study tends to be a strong point in both arenas.
When working at a crisis pregnancy center I remember it was really common for my Black clients to be “engaged”. Rarely was there a ring or a date, but it seemed that it was a way to be sexually intimate w/o feeling like you were crossing a big line. Some of these girls had been engaged a long time and had several babies. Is there a permissiveness on these teachings within the church community? Or were they more likely aware, but didn’t want to seem promiscuous and
made up the engagement for my sake (as if I’m that sensitive or naive)? These were usually “good girls” involved in church. Is the Black church turning a blind eye to this issue? Do they promote Biblical womanhood and marriage. I know of a few out there who do, but I don’t know if they’re embraced by the Black Christian community, or more popular with the mega-church community that’s not very diverse.
Anyway, I’ll leave it there. I have tons more stuff swimming in my head about consumerism and public education purposefully keeping us forever adolescent (which we happily perpetuate) so that we are easy to control and predict, but I think I’ve commented enough at present.
Arghh! I spelled Terry wrong. Sorry.
Thanks for weighing in Nicole. I agree with pretty much all you had to say. I didn’t tackle this subject from a purely Biblical perspective because there was a time when people, of all faiths or even lack of faith, had a common understanding that strong families make stable communities and marriage was the foundation.
Also, because as you noted, the women in the piece didn’t seem to have a focus on the Lord, I kind of stuck to what I saw presented there.
As for college and marriage: in my case, I was already 3/4 of the way through when I met my husband. It would have been a waste of money NOT to finish, so I did. I am not endorsing juggling college and marriage as a life choice for everyone. I am simply pointing out that it is possible to do both and that if you must postpone one of the two, I’d suggest college.
Of course, as you pointed out, far too many men expect their wives to be breadwinners and far too many women don’t value homemaking, so I can certainly see how this dynamic has developed.
Jo, a lot of what you said is true, some of it I want to address. But I’ll have to reply at length either later today or early in the morning.
Thanks for your input as you have a wealth of considerations to ponder here.
Did you also notice that these professional ladies in the video are lighter-skinned? Is there a difference between the shade of colour a lady is and how marriageable she would be in the black community? Or just not relevant? Curious. It just seemed as though they were marketing a “product” (themselves) for marriage and finding the white women are more marketable… so in true capitalist style, they’ve decreased the asking price to “please date me once a week or so and put me in rotation.” How horrible! Thank you for your attempt to shed God’s light on a “secular” subject.
Yes, Mrs. C. I did notice that they were all light-skinned. And no, being light-skinned does not make a woman more marriageable in the black community. I can remember when light skin was considered the epitome of beauty and I’m sure there is still some of that, but it has waned. Interestingly enough, most light-skinned black men that I know PREFER darker skinned women. Not sure what that’s about either.
And why beautiful, successful women would allow themselves to be part of a harem is beyond me, too.
Married at 18, hubby 20, high school sweethearts and first real relationship for both of us. just celbrated our 24Th. What more can I say?
As for those “too nice boys,” send them this way! I have a whole list of young women looking for just that type. Ther sure don’t seem to be any around here:-(
Oh not that I disagree with you that women are being stupid. I’m ready to chuck the whole human race.
Most women I know changes careers after their dc are grown. So if you are going to have to go back to college anyway, why not spend the “first life” raising children and making a home, then go learn what you need for your “second life”?
One thing I want to address quickly Jo, is the fact that contemporary Christians of all races are guilty of not taking the time to study the word. This is certainly not unique to black believers. Some of the most Biblical studious people I know are black men, and someof the most Biblically ignorant people I have encountered in recent years are white women.
The conclusions you’ve drawn as a result of your work at the crisis pregnancy center are pretty on target. Illegitimacy is a staggering problem in the black community and many men’s reluctance to marry a woman with a ready-made family certainly contributes to the stark marital statistics for black women.
Catherine R., you are doing remarkably well. I hope lots more young women “get a clue” early like you did. It took me a long time to “get a clue.” I was into the career thing when I was in my 20′s, hoping for one, then came home when I was about 30. I’m glad I did. I was married the whole way through college. I didn’t find it a problem, but can see where some might.
Terry, here is a little tidbit of information from my days with HeadStart (the federally funded preschool program for low-income families) that you might find interesting: During my last year of work, I did an informal survey of the marital status of the parents of the children at one of our sites. Most of the children lived with their unmarried mothers (no surprise there.) However all of these unmarried mothers were white… many of the fathers were black, but there were no black unwed mothers. Several families were blended, with parents who had been in multiple marriages. Only two families were intact families of both parents’ first marriage. Both of these families were black. Because of the area in which I live, upstate NY, we had mostly white children attending program, so this is even more significant than it might originally seem. Also interesting- of the management level staff, there were three women who had intact original marriages. Two of them were black, and they were also the only two black management staff.
So, in other words, 100% of the black management staff had intact original marriages, and of the children in the program whose both parents were black, 100% came from intact families. Now I’m sure this wouldn’t hold true to a larger sampling… but I just found it interesting. ☺
Thanks for setting me straight, Terry. I was hesitant to share what my friend had said b/c I knew I wasn’t speaking from any personal experience. I was just repeating her struggle and wondered if others had seen the same trend. It could have been an issue at the particular school where she was serving.
As for the reference to skin tone, I do think it would be an issue in inter-racial marriage. While I don’t think people would voice it, I think the greater the difference in skin tone btwn. two people or the more vast the ethnicity differences, the more taboo it would seem to some people. Even in this day in age when many people are intellectually open to inter-racial dating and marriage, it still seems like such a chasm to jump far across the color range even if there is no logical reason to think so. I have no proof to back that up, it’s just a suspicion.
Diane, your experience at headstart sounds perfectly plausible to me. After all, the illegitimacy rate in the American population at large has crept up to 40%, which means that there are a good number of single never married mothers of all races.
Still, the illegitimacy rate in the black commuity is 70%, so you’re right that the trend you noted wouldn’t hold up across the cultural landscape at large.
I also have no problem believing that you encountered intact black families. I know quite a few myself, which is why I was inspired to write about this. Women would much rather accuse men of being commitment phobic or immature than deal with the fact that part of the reason they can’t find a husband are their choices, which are often incompatibile with one who would be a bride.
OK Whew! There is so much to comment on here. I haven’t watched the video yet—maybe later. I’ve got to start breakfast and get these kiddos going.
I never thought about aggressively dressing to accentuate curves as masculine behavior, but you are right! That is. Oh the androgeny is something to really think about. Yes, women are encouraged by society to cuss, be masculine in so many ways.
Jo–you are absolutely right about women wanting to stay home but NOT “be a 50s housewife.” I think far too few women are taught how to be a blessing to their husbands by their frugality, hard work, etc. Yes, the dream is to stay home, have a house cleaner, take the baby to Gymboree classes, decorate your home in your spare time, and occassionaly spin a load of laundry.
Oh this feminism has just about done us in.
Hey Brenda. Believe it or not, it just occurred to me as I was typing the post that the sexually aggressive tone immodest dress suggests is just a deluded form of role reversal. It’s an advertisement, or a form of pursuit- hence masculine.
And yes, the seriousness of the job of wife, mother, and keeper of the home has been minimized so much that women look for ways to “justify” the time spent at home. Why would we need to justify the time spent being a blessing to our families, and by extension to the community.
This, however, is what happens when I society reduces everything to that which can be counted in dollars and cents. The priceless, intangible things that make life worth living are discarded and what you see is the world we have before us today.
Isn’t it said the way men (who should be providing godly leadership) have allowed the feminists to emasculate them and ruin society in one fell swoop?
Terry, I also wanted to point out about my previous post re: my experience in the CPC that I saw many promiscuous girls. It was the “fiance” status that I heard frequently from the Black clients that grabbed my attention. While I am aware of the single motherhood stats, this issue also sadly plagues the church across the board. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the stigma is not as great in the Black and Latina communities, so they may be more willing to consider alternatives to terminating. While I believe that proportion-wise Black women still terminate in the greatest percentages (getting rid of the “undesirables” was integral to Margret Sanger’s whole plan, so non-northern and western European descendants have long been targeted), I think the White and Asian girls just went straight to Planned Parenthood and rarely considered the alternatives. Especially those from Christian circles who didn’t want to be shamed in front of the church. I am, of course, talking in very general terms.
As a percentage, Jo, you may be right that black women have a higher termination rate. If memory serves me, 30% of abortions are performed on black women who only represent about 15% of the total female population.
Still, 30% IS a smaller percentage of the overall number of abortions and you are correct that black or latina women are still far less likely to terminate than their white and asian counterparts because there is not as much of a stigma attached to out of wedlock births in those communities.
I agree with Brenda that this feminism has done us in.
Speaking of abortion and nationalities, I had this Puerto Rican friend, she was a nurse, and from N.Y.C., and she used to say that Planned Parenthood always put their clinics in the Black and Puerto Rican neighborhoods, “hoping.” “It is the middle-class White women who are having the abortions,” she said. “We Black and Puerto Rican women keep our babies…but still, Planned Parenthood puts their clinics in OUR neighborhoods, hoping…!” I thought, “Wow!”
Hi Terry,
I certainly can’t speak to the situation of black women, in particular, but in general I think you hit the nail on the head with this –
“I couldn’t help but wonder how many American women had the opportunity, when they were much younger, to marry and start a family but decided not to because they had to check off their achievement to-do list, only to find later that the men who were available, marriageable, and willing to be married have moved on to marry women for whom love and marriage were a priority at the same time as it was for them.”
We’re out of synch, in so many ways, with God’s plan. Now, I’m not saying it’s God’s plan for every woman to marry young, but you’ve made a pretty good case for making it more common :0)
I didn’t marry until 27, and had my first child at 30. That’s a long time, being single, building the habit of thinking basically of ME. Seems logical that the later we marry the harder the adjustment will be, unless we’re deliberately counteracting those kinds of tendencies. Not to mention… oh how I wish I had the energy I did, 10 years earlier!
I have to agree with you, and other commenters, that our culture’s permissiveness toward “adultescent” behavior is another big factor. Seems like a lot of men just flat out don’t want the responsibility of a wife and kids. Might interfere with their screen time.
*sigh*
We need to be very careful – very deliberate – as we raise our kids, in how we think and talk about their futures.
Julie
Yes, Julie. I agree with you whole heartedly that this is largely a parenting problem- and the church is as guilty as everyone else, teaching our children to postpone marriage indefinitely.
I was thinking about the growing numbers of young men you mention who are not ready for the responsibility of wife and kids, and two young men that I knew as a teenager sprang to mind. Both young men were believers, but neither I would call strongly committed to the faith. They both married very young. One at 18, one at 19.
In both cases, the marriages are still intact. One of the couples is expecting their 11th child in fact.
Anyway, one of these young men told me point blank that while he loved his wife and knew he wanted to marry her someday, he was prompted to move sooner rather than later because she was very, very serious about maintaining her purity. If she’d been willing to engage in a physical relationship, he very honestly admitted that he would have been a lot slower in proposal and marriage.
This adultescence is helped along by rampant promiscuity.
Hi Terry, I didn’t mean to digress with the abortion talk. I just didn’t want you to think I thought black girls were more promiscuous than others after my offensive comments about lack of in depth study.
College seems to be the expected route for almost everyone now a days, which is interesting given the huge increase in tuition. But I think you’ve hit on a point about not delaying education. I’m not sure I’ll be ready for my kids to marry at 19 or 20 b/c I know how immature I was, but the idea is becoming less and less shocking. College is where we “expect” to find our independence and mature. But most kids look at it as a chance to party and get away from parents. I’ve read a lot about helicopter parenting extending now to college, so I realize it’s different from my experience 15 or 20 years ago. Now the schools are using extra tuition funds not to improve class size or teaching, but to provide spa-like living accommodations, which is laughable b/c a Bachelor degree earns you less than it used to…What are we expecting our kids to learn from this? That they should learn to love and live the high life that mom and dad can provide for them so they never cut the purse strings or are willing to start out on their own with their own families. My brother has this ridiculous idea that he want to have at least a million to start his family. He’s almost 40. That is ridiculous. The priorities are so off.
Perhaps its because as home schoolers we are able to think outside the box, but I no longer care for society’s rights of passage. I’m not sure I want my children spending their child hood education just trying to get into a school that will cost way more than it’s worth (often private schools are in the $40,000′s. Those who don’t jump on board get passed up b/c parents think they’ll get what they pay for). It will most likely contribute to extending their adolescence. I think they need to find what they ought to do before spending 4 years of unavailable money playing around and “discovering” themselves.
I did have a positive experience at college and I did learn to love learning in a way I hadn’t in school, but it is not going to be the focal point of my parenting. It seems to be so for so many families. It’s so back ward. Godliness (not that we can force this), maturity, responsibility, perseverance, service, diligence, wisdom, etc. These should be the sorts of things we teach our children (and ourselves) to value and pursue. College could very likely be part of their life plan, but it should never be such a strong focus. I’m not exactly sure how, but it seems that chasing things such as this takes away from true maturity. I guess b/c we spend so much time in activities to make them more appealing, let ourselves manipulate our lives to meet those ends. This hardly seems to prepare them for life.
Jo,
I would NOT want my girls to marry at 18 or 19 either, particularly the older ones who are public school educated. They will need a couple of extra years of development before they are ready for marriage. But I wouldn’t rule it out by 20 or 21.
I am not an advocate of teenage marriage. I only mentioned the guys I grew up with in my last comment because I think many young women discount the value of saving themselves, and also discount how appealing that can be. For a man interested in saving himself for marriage, the innate biological drives of a 21 year old man will propel him to go ahead and get married already.
As for college, I’m all for it but I just don’t see the value in packing up,shipping off, and spending tens of thousands of dollars to teach kids how to spend yet another four years living off parents money but without the guidance and boundaries parental presence provides. I believe when possible, it’s best for young people to attend college while living at home unless there is some compelling argument for following what has become the status quo.
Hi! It’s nice to “meet” you. I’m Karon’s partner for June and I’m going around “introducing” myself to the other women.
I have also seen this trend…it seems to be especially prevalent in certain neighborhoods. I wonder if many of these women just feel as though the odds are insurmountable and life gets them down? It’s so hard to step out in faith and trust God to begin with, much less when faced with obstacles like learning how to have a good marriage…when you haven’t necessarily been shown how to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m with you–it’s not impossible…but women who aren’t given skills to cope are most likely going to do one of two things (in my humble opinion)–they are either going to go with (or revert to) what has been modeled before them by their parent(s) or they choose to be the exact opposite and fight the trend. Some of them probably get tired of fighting, especially if they feel they are the only one in the marriage that is fighting.
Great post!
Hi Terry!
Another wonderful post…. you have me thinking with the “marrying early” comment. I can remember SO many talks with my single gal-pals when they hit about 30, and there I was, a few years younger, with a husband and home. They showed their resentment pretty clearly, and eventually I got annoyed with it, and asked them, “So, when you were 23, and it was Saturday night, what were you doing? *I* was doing dishes and laundry… at home.”
As for purity – I think if I’d kept pure, I’d likely have married at 18 or 19 rather than 22, since I’m married to my HS sweetheart. College was a slog through expectations and waiting rather than a time of value – it’s a big regret. I think that DH and I could have used that time so much better had we gone to school as a *team*. Ah well… to teach my children my mistakes so they learn better!
Interesting as always……
Hi Terry,
Took me awhile to find you again!! Now, I cannot comment as to the african-american part of it, but I will tell you as a woman who married in her mid-20s (and my husband was 30), I’m not sure what to think about the “marry early” arguement. Surely this does apply to younger women who have the opportunity for serious relationships and are rejecting them, or are in serious relationships and are delaying marriage. But some of us meet our spouses a little later, it doesn’t mean we are delaying anything or are necessarily immature. It’s just that God chooses to bring us together a little later.
Nurse Bee,
I hear you about waiting for God to bring you a spouse. I’ve been thinking about this more, since reading Terry’s post.
To be fair, my three boys are 13, 11 and 8, so we’re still on the young end of this… but I’m thinking more and more about college, work, and marriage.
Certainly I don’t want to give my boys the impression that they need to rush out and get married as soon as possible, to the first acceptable person that presents herself. There is great wisdom in waiting on God and His will!
I’m remembering something I heard at a conference last year (probably was Voddie Baucham, though there were other speakers and I may misremember). The concept was – don’t date (or court, or whatever you do) until you’re ready to marry, and don’t marry until you’re ready to start a family.
That was NOT said in the context of delaying marriage, but it terms of taking the whole process of building relationships seriously. As opposed to the “sport dating” that some of us grew up with.
As Terry pointed out, there’s a strong link between the whole ‘adultescent’ phenomenon and promiscuity. Or, as my gramma would say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I’m rambling… trying to put the “early marriage” argument into context. Frankly, staying pure is really hard. ‘Nuff said. Unless my boys are stronger and wiser than many of the “Greats” of the Bible, it’s a lot to ask of them to stay pure until… when? Until they’re in their 30′s? I don’t intend to discount purity… it IS possible! And we definitely raise our boys with that expectation.
But I do want to help them move into positions of responsibility and maturity as quickly as possible. Not rushing them through (legitimate) childhood, but not encouraging them to extend that childhood through adolescence and beyond.
Sorry I’m rambly this morning :0) I’m glad you posted your thoughts, Terry – you always challenge my thinking in good ways.
Julie
Julie, thank you for attemtpting to put my suggestion to “marry early” in context for Nurse Bee.
I certainly understand and appreciate that we can’t force something to happen that simply isn’t happening. I realize that for some men and women, they will not meet a suitable life partner until later in life. It was never my intent to say “marry young no matter what.”
My point was, however badly I expressed it, that it is a mistake to discount the very notion of marriage because you’re not 25, or 28, or 30. Certainly all of us have heard young people who say things like, “I probably won’t be ready to settle down until I’m 28 or 30 because I have to finish college and get my career going first.”
This is what I am discouraging since it has become the normal order of business and with this new order has come increased numbers of women in their 30′s who want a man to marry them and can’t find one despite all their wonderful qualities.
While I appreciate that we are all different and will experience things in God’s timing, isn’t it interesting that God hasn’t set the biological clock of women back to coincide with our new and more enlightened approach to marriage and relationships?
Terry –
I’m sorry for how I worded my comment… sounding like I was trying to speak for you, when I’m trying to get my head around these ideas myself. :0)
Julie
No problem, Julie. I actually appreciated the comment. Your point about expecting young men to abstain for all of their 20′s, the time when women are most attractive to them (not to mention fertile- I believe God’s design), is a very good point.
I just really believe that MOST of the time, not all, but most of the time late marriage is more a result of cultural trends than Divine soveriegnty.
Terry,
I’m glad to have a better understanding of what you mean by “early marriage”. Part of what also may scare many is also what came before: how they see their parents’ marriage. That why we, the church, need to work so hard to model Christ and His Church. People need to see it is possible to have a strong marriage. We also need to stop telling them promises God doesn’t make or set them up for disappointment. God doesn’t promise fabulous sex for every virgin on their wedding night. He doesn’t, in my understanding of Scripture, promise us all soul mates. Marriage is a blessing, but it’s hard and it sharpens you. It’s not all fun and painless. Many people in the whirlwind of dating and romance expect that to be present always. They pay lip service to reality, but they buy Hollywood in their hearts.
Also, I didn’t mean to act like college is a waste, I just feel like in America we have let ourselves get caught up in priorities that don’t seem to mesh with those of Christ. Kind of like what you wrote about what to do with money in your Haiti post. In my circles, it’s a concern that dominates parenting decisions from the cradle. So much so that parents drag their kids through it. The kid never learns responsibility or to value it. They also expect the degree to produce results that they are responsible for.
I think I want my kids to work or do a mission or something for a year or two. I want them to have focus and a purpose when they enter college. After a double major and a Master Degree, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do but be a wife and mom. You can’t just force that, though. You need the opportunity first. But school felt a lot safer for me than the real world, so I stayed in.
My oldest is 5, so we’ve got time to sort this stuff out. Again, I seem to have gotten on a rabbit trail, but it ties into maturity and growing up.
I didn’t really misunderstand anything. But as someone who came a little later to marriage (and know many people who did), it isn’t necessarily as bad as some Christians think it is.
Interestingly enough, my parents married young (18 and 22). My dad never finished his college degree, my mom got hers (a BA and MA) after we were in school. And they strongly recommended that we finish college before getting married (which it seems we will all do, as my youngest sister is set to graduate this summer).
Hi Terri,
I really enjoy your blog. I thought you might enjoy this from a sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll here in Seattle…the excerpt is titled ‘Adolescence”
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=mhcseattle#p/u/14/Di9imh10Fc8
Thanks to all the comments.
Nurse Bee,
I’m glad you understood that I wasn’t saying this was some sort of rule. But frankly, I don’t think most Christians think late marriage is bad; we just don’t think it should be held up as the standard anymore than shouldthe notion of marrying early.
Unfortunately, as is often the case, the church has followed the world by demanding that our kids wait until they are finished with college before marrying. If that is the plan, thenI think they should refrain from opposite sex relationships altogether.
I think remaining godly and pure is more important than a college degree. If two young people fall in love before the degree is done, I say they should marry. Period.
Good stuff, Terry!
Fantastic post, as a women I couldn’t agree more.
Hello,
I came across this post from the biblical womanhood post a friend linked to from facebook.
This particular video has been posted and commented on a few times amongst my friends who are mainly single. I appreciate your commentary.
I have some single sisters who have been believers for quite a few years now and have never been pursued by a godly man or some of us have been “done dirty” by a guy who proclaims Christ as Savior.
I am one of them who has never been approached. I’m a black woman, early 30′s and I do not live my life in a bubble (as one of my sisters say.) Ten years ago, I was not ready to be a wife. Because of trial and error, now I feel like I am almost able to take on that role. I’ve been sobered over these last few years because of various sermons and testimonies of some of the married women in my life, that I didn’t have when I was in my early 20′s.
I have had friendships with brothers who I ended up liking, but they didn’t feel the same way, so what to do? I do think some of black Christian men, who are still single and over 30, may want an ideal woman that they may never meet. They may want a “theologically sound” sista that looks like Halle Berry! lol Don’t have nappy hair and be overweight…you will most likely be rejected (in my opinion.)
In conclusion, I still hope in the Lord that He will provide a husband for me (and my sisters) according to His will and plan. I pray on the behalf of myself and my sisters and that the brothers would grow in godliness and are able to preparing themselves to be godly husbands. That’s all I can do right about now.
CTS,
Thank you for commenting and I appreciate your position. I understand that the average 20-year-old probably isn’t anymore ready to be a wife than you were. I think this is a parenting problem more than anything else because it is my earnest desire and we are attempting to equip our daughters with the right skills, heart, and attitude to be ready for marriage at 21 should a godly and marriageable young man cross their path expressing interest.
Of course, so many of us in the black community have not had the benefit of seeing a godly functioning marriage to emulate. Thankfully, my husband, who was 20 when we married (I was 22), did have the benefit of that. And I had a strong and godly father in my life. We are the exception and we know it.
For our sisters who feel ill-equipped to be wives in their 20′s, I would say it’s time to re-evaluate that mindset. For those in theor 30′s waiting for God to send a mate, stay strong and have faith. With God all things are possible.
Terry,
Thanks for your response. I wholeheartedly agree! I do believe that having parents who model and teach biblical values will have more equipped sons and daughters. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that, but I am thankful I didn’t get married in my earlier 20′s.
I’m glad that in my local fellowship I see examples of black families who are raising their children in godly ways. A lot of them also home school. Thanks for the encouragement!