It’s Wednesday, but I don’t have any profound marriage thoughts today. This will be short and sweet, followed by a few interesting marriage related links. What do I really know about marriage? Not much. Despite my 76 posts on the subject I’m learning a bit more every day. However, I’ll give you what I’ve got in 200 words or less:
1. Husbands want to be respected as the man of the house. This lines up pretty well with Scripture’s admonition for a wife to see that she respects her husband.
2. A child-centered marriage is a recipe for disaster. Teach children early that their “happiness” is not Mom or Dad’s reason for living.
3. Cooking or baking a favorite treat of my husband’s always lifts his mood at the end of a long day.
4. Husbands like it when you get dressed thinking more about what they find attractive than what you find comfortable. I’ve found that with a little thought, it’s not that hard to manage both.
5. When I want to explore certain theological questions or Biblical passages more thoroughly, I go to my husband first (Yes, I pray). It never ceases to start an interesting discussion that we both grow from and he knows I appreciate his Biblical knowledge.
6.This isn’t Scriptural, and I know there are some who would quibble, but this post is about what I’ve learned: Good sex, and lots of it, makes the most difficult seasons of a marriage infinitely more bearable.
I believe that’s 188 words of practical things I’ve learned about marriage and it’s all I’ve got for this week. Maybe I’ll do better next week. However, my good friend Jamala recently penned a series of posts on marriage (here, here, and here) and they are worth a read. No holds barred, politically incorrect posts full of truth, not to mention Scripture to back it up. She picked up my mantle while I was away it seems.
Additionally, a couple of the men on my blog roll wrote about the fact that they enjoy being married and why. I found their posts refreshing.
I enjoy Dalrock’s blog because although it’s very secular, he is a master at looking at and breaking down the facts and hard data, often complete with charts and graphs, on how divorce has changed the societal landscape and with it our views about marriage and family. Not to mention how feminism has made women more unhappy and less satisfied. He expresses more concern than I’ve witnessed on most Christian blogs. His post, Newsflash: My Marriage Doesn’t Suck, can be found here (* language alert at the start of the post as he excerpts an anti-marriage post that inspired his*). Elusive Wapiti, a fellow Christian wrote, My Marriage Doesn’t Suck Either, which can be found here.
This post is a part Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over for more wifely encouragement.
I need to add a thought: Points 1 and 4 read the way that they do because they are things that either I or my husband have heard other men express. Points 2, 3, 5, and 6 are personal things that I’ve learned from my own marital experience.
Considering the fact that none of us has a “manual” outside of basic Scriptural outline, I think you did well relaying what you personally have learned to make your own marriage a blessed union rather than an all to common American war zone.
On point 1–This is absolutely Biblical and I can’t see any need to qualify where it came from beyond the instruction to submit to one’s own husband. It’s gonna look a little different in every family, though, so I think that is where much Christian advice on the subject can end up causing strife rather than healing.
Points 2, 3 and 6. Wanted to add that a spouse centered marriage is also a recipe for disaster. While that may seem obvious to some and completely out of left field to others, I have had to accept that focusing entirely on pleasingone’s husband can end up being a form of idolatry and SELF-service by way of manipulation (ie If my husband is happy with what I do, I can get what I want, too…). Aside from that, no one can be pleased all of the time and a young wife’s attempts to do all the things that make her man happy might end up backfiring if he’s had a particularly hard day and doesn’t respond the way he *usually* does.
Point 5….probably actually fits well with #1 and, while it may seem strange that it would I want to confess that we’ve probably had more stress recently due to my tendency to read and get my head full of spiritually-related things that I either do not understand, am overly excited about or find particularly disturbing ( in the last instance it’s usually because they are not Biblically sound). More than once, I have worked myself into a lather before running the information by my husband and waiting for his input.
Not arguing against what you’ve found to work for you two. Just some things that came to mind with relation to my own experience.
Yes, Heather, a spouse centered marriage is problematic as well. For the Christian, the focus should be on honoring God and His word in our dealings with our mate, which in the case of both husband and wife, means considering their needs ahead of or at least on par with, our own.
With resepct to consuting our husbands when “new” theological ideas cross our path, you hit on exactly what I was referring to. With the proliferation of the Internet, there are no shortage of truly “godly” ways to be and live. We need to balance all of what we hear against the word of God (as we study it ourselves), prayer, and the counsel of our own godly husbands.
And no worries, I didn’t think you were arguing against what I wrote.
I didn’t assume you weren’t promoting a husband-centered existence, Terry. I just felt like saying it out loud
It’s actually one of the few specifics I remember from my own premarital counselling.
Heh.
Just realized that last comment with the double negative looks as though I can’t make up my mind. I meant that I understand the truth about making a spouse central is implied in your statement. Guess I was having one of my “I want to see this written out as a positive affirmation” moments.
Yes. Access to highly opinionated internet quthors especially has been a source of confusion and disruption in my life. Not entirely bad, though as it has allowed me to see some areas of my own life that needed attention.
I think the thing that is the worst about assimilating (religious especially) info before carefully discussing and praying with my husband is that he is not a stupid man, does care about spiritual truth and has a pretty decent understanding of scripture. To short-circuit his responsibility and privilege that is connected with his role as husband effectively puts me under another man’s authority–even if I don’t realize it at the time. It is both disrespectful and irresponsible for a wife to do this and it can set the stage for confusion and even rebellion in the children as they observe.
As humbling as it is, I am thankful I was shown the potential dangers before heading too far down that road.
I know that when one is married to a non-believer, the dynamic can look very different as a wife may need to continue her study of scripture etc on her own. But within a Christian marriage, even if the husband is less mature or not well-versed in Scripture, it is a good thing for a wife to go to him with questions and concerns. It encourages him to dig deep and grow in faith in a personal way.
Hey Terry, thanks for the link!
Also, I can say amen to this:
“Husbands like it when you get dressed thinking more about what they find attractive than what you find comfortable.”
I really enjoyed your posts. I have been perusing your blog today and you have some great wisdom and insight. There are very few good Black Christian woman bloggers out there blogging about the things in which you are blogging about such as marriage (especially for the young), femininity etc. I am 19 and hopefully soon to be engaged and I will definitely be following your blog
Blessings,
Schy
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