Women can do anything a man can do. Men can wear pink and still be masculine. Gender roles are obsolete. Leadership is for tyrants and women with no brains. A real man knows that all you need is love, love. Love is all you need. Truth is whatever each couple determines it to be.
In this corner of the ‘net, we often decry the androgyny that our culture has embraced in an effort mask the innate differences between men and women. There is an increasing backlash here against that type of foolishness, and rightly so. In our zeal however, we have to be careful not to box men into the same rigid corner that those who hate complementary marriage claim women need to be liberated from. Our men are called to lead, but not to sacrifice their humanity in some misguided attempt to “be the man” at all costs. They need to be able to lean on us, and we need be able to let them without challenging their manhood when they do.
Maybe I’m an odd duck, but I rather enjoy being married to a strong, authoritative man. I like feeling protected and I find his decisiveness rather sexy. I like that he has an opinion about what I look like. At least I know he’s looking. I think it a credit to his resourcefulness that we rarely have to call someone with something breaks, even something major. He works well with his hands, and his hands often bear the scars of hard work.
I love that, but beneath all of that armor is a man with a heart, and sometimes he needs to be able to be vulnerable enough to reveal that heart to me without worrying that I will view it as a weakness. One of the things I learned early on in my relationship with my SAM was to appreciate that my husband, who is very overtly masculine, has feelings. He gets sad. He has fears, hopes, and dreams just like me. Not to mention tear ducts. I’ve known my husband for 19 years and I’ve only seen him shed a tear twice, but I’ve seen it.
It’s very easy for a woman married to a harder man to forget that a man’s reluctance to express his vulnerability doesn’t make him invulnerable. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for him to trust his heart to anyone, and marriage won’t automatically make him comfortable doing that. But when he does, his wife should do all she can to make it clear that his vulnerability doesn’t make him weak in her eyes.
The church’s swinging pendulums in reaction to the culture are actually dangerous and detrimental, in my opinion, and I see this as one area where we need to tread lightly. We should be able to stand on the truth as revealed in Scripture and work out how that looks in each family. We can do that without having to discard the truth just to function, which is what far too many “believers” have decided to do.
We seem incapable of being balanced, don’t we? We react to henpecked men by encouraging them to seize their authority or attempting to browbeat wives into becoming boring and docile. Isn’t it better if married believers can just trust that God’s ideas of masculinity and femininity are light years better than anything we can come up with and live that out? When we do that, our men can rest in the knowledge that we trust them to lead not only because it makes us feel secure, but because we trust that God knows best. He commands us to submit to our husbands, and we’ll do that to honor Him, and we’ll do it for better or worse, in sickness and in health.
A while back I alluded to some care repairs that SAM walked me through when he was injured and couldn’t do them himself. His injury was actually quite serious creating a scenario where I had to step up and do a whole host of things I wasn’t used to doing for well over a month. I was relieved when he got better but I was thankful for the opportunity to learn to do something new and surprised at how quickly I picked up the skill in a few instances. My husband’s temporary period of injury didn’t make him any less strong or capable than he was before. He was still the same person; he just needed a little help from his helpmeet. That’s what I’m supposed to do.
During a season of economic turmoil, when many men (particularly those skilled in male dominated fields of work) are attempting to reset and start over, it’s more important than ever that wives not undermine their authority in the family. To do that while allowing them to share their vulnerability is a delicate balancing act, but one that every wife, regardless of her husband’s personality, needs to strike.
This post is a part of Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.
I just had a thought so I’ll toss out the first comment:
a long time reader here is a military wife who no doubt, when she reads this, will laugh out loud at my boasting of having taken care of car and household repairs for a few weeks. I just thought of her life and my “testimony” seems silly.
Still, I think it illustrates my larger point because many Believing women, in response to the feminist onslaught of our culture, and the feminization of men have decided that certain work is womens work and certain tasks are more suited for men. The lines are often rigid and immovable. Given our physical differences, this isn’t wholly inaccurate, but in life sometimes we all just have to do what we have to do, you know?
I wouldn’t laugh at you, Terry! Private laughter must be reserved for situations that really deserve it, not women having some hooah
There is a lot of the rigid gender role nonsense, that is for sure. As you know I’ve often been subjected to people’s opining on this and war/military related subjects and have finally mastered the graceful art of smiling and nodding while inwardly rolling my eyes. A military relationship is a fine example of gender role swapping that is anything but evil and undesirable. Soldiers cook, clean, launder clothing, and even sew for themselves. Wives at home pick up power tools, wrenches, change tires, and clean up the bodies of dead pets and bodily fluids as needed. The mission gets accomplished and the family is all the better for it. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter who took out the garbage just so long as the task was completed.
This article is really interesting to me, Terry, as I’ve been mulling for days over the delineation of “gender roles”.
On the one hand, there is a tendency to create fenced in areas (my job, your job type stuff) and lock either ourselves or others into them. This can be stifling and absolutely detrimental to the ability of an individual to exercise their God-given gifts.
On the other hand, I’ve repeatedly had comedian Kenn Kington’s stand-up observation floating through my brain. His assertation was that one of the biggest lies going is the one that says we can “be anything we want”. Then he followed with (my paraphrase) “What if Shaquille O’Neal’s dream was to be a professional horse-jockey???”. Sometimes humor is a good way to put realistic perspective on a situation.
So much good stuff here, Terry..wifely and submission, respect, support, sensitivity to her man’s personality and emotions… Vigorously nodding my way through most of the post.
I’m not sure I like:
Sometimes it takes a bit longer for him to trust his heart to anyone, and marriage won’t automatically make him comfortable doing that. But when he does, it’s a wife’s job to make it clear that his vulnerability doesn’t make him weak in her eyes.
Perhaps I misunderstood what I’ve read, but the idea that it’s “my job” to ensure that my husband’s vulnerability does not diminish his worth rubbed me wrong. Not because I disagree with the reality that it’s my responsibility to take my God-given place and encourage trust and security, but because a wife, no matter how submissive and attentive and encouraging, can only do so much externally to affect her husband’s view of himself and his perception of the way others see him. The rest is between him and the Lord.
Stating that it’s a wife’s job to make clear (as in understood by the man) that he IS valuable and safe with her can place a tremendous amount of stress when she’s following all the prescribed rules of wifely behavior and he still doesn’t respond the way she’s told he will.
But maybe I’ve just overreacted.
@ Heather: I’m thinking I need to re-word that (in fact I changed the wording because I can see how I expressed a more forceful idea of responsibility on a wife than I meant to), because what you interpreted isn’t what I meant to convey. The issue isn’t whether or not a man gains his sense of who he is by his wife’s reaction to his vulnerability. Each of us has to work out for ourselves who we are, who God made us to be, and make peace with God and with ourselves looking to Him as ultimate source of worth. I assume that the majority of my readers understand that as a given. Perhaps I expect too much?
That said, I have seen instances where husbands have been hit with job losses, crises of faith, uncertainty about where they want to go professionally after a long time in one place, and their wives suddenly become disillusioned. Going so far as to question his manhood because he isn’t making the money he used to make (or any money after a layoff). I’ve seen affairs get started when husbands are already vulnerable (talk about kicking a guy when he’s down).
My point was that when life happens, and it always does wives , especially wives married to take-charge type of men, need to do our part to encourage rather than further demoralize. The same could be said for a husband when his wife is overwhelmed with her duties as a wife and mother and hits the wall, or if she struggles with something more serious like infertility.
Of course I know we don’t hold our spouses hearts completely in our hands, especially if they are a believer. But we still hold a lot of sway and influence and we can use that influence to build them up or chip away at their confidence.
Does that make more sense?
visiting via sheila’s ‘wifey wednesday’ post.
heather’s last comment really resonated with me:
“Stating that it’s a wife’s job to make clear (as in understood by the man) that he IS valuable and safe with her can place a tremendous amount of stress when she’s following all the prescribed rules of wifely behavior and he still doesn’t respond the way she’s told he will.”
imho, this is the very reason why the word ‘submission’ imparts an immediate (proverbial) punch to the stomach for so many woman. for so long, the church and books and women’s bible studies, etc. have taught wives to have a quiet and gentle spirit towards their husbands, submit to their authority over her, and be sure you have sex with him whenever he wants because ‘your body is not your own’.
if this worked, then i daresay the divorce rate within the church would be a lot lower.
in the context of marriage, there’s no where in the bible that a wife is called to unconditionally love (agape) her husband or to lay down her life for him. that is a husband’s role towards his wife. a husband is called to be many things for his wife and then she’s called to respect and with respect comes submission. hey, when a husband is fully submitted to God and to his wife, it’s an organic response for his wife to be submitted to him and God as well.
he needs to go first, though – not the wife. he is a source of life for her just as adam was a source of life (literally) for eve.
i once heard someone ask this question, “what would make a bigger difference in the furthering of God’s kingdom – 10,000 evangelical events or 10,000 husbands loving their wives with a Christ-like love?”
powerful!
i know this. i don’t always have to be on my game for him or only talk with him about an issue when he’s in a good mood. he lives with me in understanding. i’m a proverbs 31 wife because i have a proverbs 31 husband (yep, he’s there and i encourage you to reread that proverb with fresh eyes). i respect my husband and am submitted to God and him because he lives his life respectably and in submission to God and me. he pursues me every day as a groom pursues his bride and we are completely safe places for one another.
Perhaps I expect too much?
Personally, I don’t believe I misunderstand you often. And when it appears that we disagree on something like this, it seems only right to give you the benefit of the doubt and seek clarification. I would guess that most of your regular commenters here share a similar view.
As the direction of certain comment threads can readily verify, though, it can be easy to read personal experience or prejudice into certain statements, and you do have a lot of traffic. It is not possible to monitor the spiritual condition of everyone who stops by. It is also impossible to please everyone. I guess I thought I’d mention that particular statement because the wording could so easily be misunderstood by someone who would otherwise benefit greatly from reading your thoughts but who is already struggling with the “it’s my job to make him happy and it’s my fault if he’s not” mentality.
I have seen instances where husbands have been hit with job losses, crises of faith, uncertainty about where they want to go professionally after a long time in one place, and their wives suddenly become disillusioned.
It is a terrible thing. I do feel a tremendous amount of sympathy for the men I’ve known of who have had this experience. The only relevant thought I have regarding that is that such situations fall well within the range of the topic I was slogging through on my last post. Women who are disillousioned and jump ship (even “suddenly” ) when their husbands are going through a rough time might blame the immediate circumstances but the problem was likely ongoing and running much, much deeper. As a woman who has had to repeatedly apologize for her cutting remarks when her husband already has taken a hit, I can honestly say that one negative motivator is that self-centered, emotion-driven beast that can’t stand not being the center of everything.
@ Annalea:
Thank you for visiting. You may or may not have noticed, but I did address the concern Heather expressed in my follow-up comment. I acknowledge my poor choice of words and have edited accordingly.
mho, this is the very reason why the word ‘submission’ imparts an immediate (proverbial) punch to the stomach for so many woman. for so long, the church and books and women’s bible studies, etc. have taught wives to have a quiet and gentle spirit towards their husbands, submit to their authority over her, and be sure you have sex with him whenever he wants because ‘your body is not your own’.
You are right that the husband’s responsibility to lay down his wife is one that cannot be overlooked. I don’t agree that he has to “go first” in order for a godly wife to obey God’s word concerning her own behavior. We are not supposed to wait for the other person to “go first.” And yes, wives are in fact called to exactly what you described above but not in the way you implied it. Did you not notice where I decried the notion that women are supposed to remake themselves into boring, docile creatures for the sake of their husbands’ ego? I think we can be the wives God called us to be without sacrificing who we are.
I have said often here that my husband has an authoritative way about him. Not tyrannical, but definitely take charge. Sometimes I have to speak up when he forgets that he is in fact speaking to his wife and not his child. I just say it bluntly: “Hold on a minute. I’m your wife, and an adult.” Doing that doesn’t make me rebellious. In fact, I would be doing a grave spiritual disservice to send the message that my submissiveness means I am not worthy of respect. BUT…I am still commanded by Scripture to submit to his authority. Unless there is a clear issue of sin or unrighteousness involved, that is non-negotiable.
You’re blessed with a good husband, as am I. I don’t have to be “on my game” for my husband to love and cherish me either. His selfless love for me is what makes me desire to be “on my game” and attend to the things that matter to him. He reciprocates. But neither of us is perfect, and everyone needs to be reminded (me included) of my responsibility towards him when life is hard and we aren’t feeling the warm fuzzies. That was the point of my post. Far too often (in my experience) men are expected to understand this in their dealings with us but their feelings are often not held in the same regard.
That said, you hit on something vital and I have been (for weeks now in fact) gathering my thoughts on the issue of mutual submission because I think there is something to it. I think the conclusions many egalitarians draw are false and damaging, but there is a valuable principle there. “Mutual submission” doesn’t mean that no one is in charge, though.
Hopefully one day soon I’ll have it all laid out in a complete and coherent thought.
@Heather: You’re right. I do have a lot of traffic from non-Christian sources so I need to use care with my word usage. That’s why I edited. Did you see it? I hope it better expresses what I was attempting to convey.
Thanks for the admonishment.
I too have been thinking about gender roles lately, but perhaps not in quite the same context as your post. My husband is in jail. He may or may not be welcome in our home when he gets out. It depends, really, on him, and whether he is willing to repent and get the help he needs. I will always be open to reconciliation, as long as my kids and I are safe. My concern is for our 3 young girls. I want to avoid teaching them by example that men are expendable and unnecessary, but at the same time I have to do everything right now. My husband is not here. And he wasn’t here mentally for a long time before today. I know God will continue to provide wisdom and grace in this situation, but it is frequently confusing. Thanks for this post.
The re-wording does provide clarity of meaning, Terry.
Oh, Kristen, I’m so sorry – praying for you and sending encouragement your way. I really appreciated a point a speaker made at a meeting on marriage I attended – she (a nun, coincidentally) offered a point of view that was very compelling – the weakest link theory does not apply to marriage. The integrity and value of your marriage is maintained by God, by your obedience to Him, by the love and care you show your children, including not being dismissive of their father even as you appropriately protect them from his actions, and by praying for reconciliation even when it would be easier to set your husband aside and move on. You may not have a “happy” circumstance (I can’t even begin to imagine), but you continue to be a Godly wife in a Good marriage. I cannot tell you how much there is to admire in your example.
The same speaker also offered the observation that an egalitarian marriage requires two discontented wives – I had to think about that for a long time, but I have to agree. Also, if we’re forever waiting on our husbands to “go first”, whether he does or not we won’t be satisfied because “going first ” implies “performance to my standard” – I’ll clean up my mess when you clean up yours, according to my own check list. That’s self-idolization, not Godly marriage. Plus, it underestimates the value of a wife’s influence on her husband, when her behavior matches her words. I can be a good wife (Lord, hear my prayer), even if my husband never assumes his Biblical role, and vice versa.
@ Kristin: Your commitment to your marriage is commendable and I have already prayed for God to help you and your family moving forward.
@Cottage child: Thanks for filling in the rest of what that speaker said. I do so appreciate hearing that. I actually agree with a lot of what Annalea had to say. I was a bit uncomfortable however, with the notion that any of us can hang our obedience on another person’s obedience. I think so many women today are exasperated with hearing about their duty to submit without hearing about the husband’s duty to lay down his life. I get that, and I appreciate the concern. I’ve actually broached that subject before on more than one occasion. Here is just one example.
The problem is that while the egalitarian approach sounds good in practice, it really is just a marriage where the wife leads (discontentedly) and the husband goes along to get along (discontentedly). Sort of like in politics when they come up with a “moderate” solution to an extreme problem. All that really means is that the liberals got what they wanted. while giving lip service to the conservative opposition’s concerns.
Coming in late to this one, but I continue to be somewhat puzzled by exactly what submission in marriage looks like. I do my best to respect my husband and not boss him (considering I am the oldest of 3 kids, and he is the youngest of 4, I think our natural inclinations are to let me make the decisions and tell him what to do). And looking over our life, it seems okay….we live where he wanted to, had kids when he wanted, etc.
Well then Nurse Bee, it seems like you are well within the Bible’s guidelines given that you deferred to and considered your husband’s wishes on the big decisions. What submission looks like really will vary from couple to couple. What it doesn’t look like is a parent/child or kingly/peasant relationship. More like a Captain and first officer, if you will.
What it really is, is a heart issue, based mostly on a wife’s acceptance of God’s order even if the relationship looks egalitarian from the outside. Despite my husband’s personality, our relationship functions often like an egalitarian relationship. I get into that a little on this post, entitled, Submission: What Does It Look Like?
I’m really enjoying this dicussion because I think it’s an important topic that often gets thrown by the wayside. And I believe it’s one that a lot of Christian women wish was discussed more often (hand raised).
@cottagechild said: “two discontented wives – I had to think about that for a long time, but I have to agree. Also, if we’re forever waiting on our husbands to “go first”, whether he does or not we won’t be satisfied because “going first ” implies “performance to my standard” – I’ll clean up my mess when you clean up yours, according to my own check list. That’s self-idolization, not Godly marriage. Plus, it underestimates the value of a wife’s influence on her husband, when her behavior matches her words. I can be a good wife (Lord, hear my prayer), even if my husband never assumes his Biblical role, and vice versa.”
We call this having ‘two wives’ in the marriage where both the husband and wife are just responding to one another and, many times, many Christian marriages look this way or they’re comprised of a wife who initiates and a husband who responds. While I agree that everyone’s marriage is different and what works for one may not work for another, in my experience, neither of the above scenarios work for the couple for the long haul.
In the case of both a husband a wife responding, no one ever takes initiative so there’s always a sort of limbo between the two and in the case of the wife initiating and the husband responding, you will often hear the husband bemoan the fact that he has a ‘controlling’ wife when, in fact, he has (knowingly or not) placed her in this position due to his own passivity and neither of them are happy.
@terry said: “Did you not notice where I decried the notion that women are supposed to remake themselves into boring, docile creatures for the sake of their husbands’ ego? I think we can be the wives God called us to be without sacrificing who we are.”
Oh Terry, I so wish this were more true. My husband and I have worked with many, many Christian couples whose marriage look just like this. My marriage used to look just like this.
I believe that God has given great power to men in their role as Christian husbands. Unfortunately, that power has been misused for years. Ultimately, a husband should give his wife back to the Lord better than when he received her. How does he do this? By being a source of life to her. By being a representation of Christ to her. By loving her unconditionally. By living with her in understanding. By safely trusting her. By praising her. By living out Eph 5:25 with her.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
You may or may not be surprised by the number of Christian husbands who abuse this great power and privilege. And no, it doesn’t get talked about or taught enough; as you said, “I think so many women today are exasperated with hearing about their duty to submit without hearing about the husband’s duty to lay down his life.”
Ever heard about Martin Luther’s treatment and beliefs about women? Horrible. And this from a man who’s considered to be a hugely positive influence in Christianity.
Annalea said
You may or may not be surprised by the number of Christian husbands who abuse this great power and privilege. And no, it doesn’t get talked about or taught enough; as you said, “I think so many women today are exasperated with hearing about their duty to submit without hearing about the husband’s duty to lay down his life.”
Interesting. Although I personally cannot say I have experienced the type of imbalance where the husband tends to wield his authority with an iron fist, I have read plenty about the experience of others. When reading literature directed specifically at defining a Christian woman’s role, have often found myself cringing at the way some of the material is presented in a manner which makes it appear that the author is laying the majority of blame for unhappy marriage at the feet of the wife who is supposedly not submitting to her husband properly. Whether or not that is the reality of the author’s position, it certainly can appear to be so if she neglects to acknowledge that the husband has a heavy responsibility of his own.
@ Annalea and Heather:
I know there are churches and ministries that lay a lot of pressure and blame on wives. I admit that there have been times I may have even been guilty of it.
But I’m used to just the opposite. Men being called out for not being the men they’re supposed to be when the truth is that the wives often refuse to even consider the husband’s wishes with regard to when to have children, where to live, how the money is to be spent (or rather NOT spent), etc.
I have on more than one occasion discussed the subject of a husband’s responsibility, though it isn’t something I do very often because my writings are aimed at women. I have provided a couple of links in the comments of this very thread as evidence that I really have done so.
Like Heather, I haven’t witnessed many (any?) occasions where a husband wielded his authority with an iron fist. But I have seen plenty of wives usurp authority and use their influence like a iron fist. Wrapped in silk, of course, but an iron fist nonetheless.
Again, maybe it’s cultural, which is why I went to the trouble to lay some background about myself for context going forward. But I have seen the same dynamic increasingly in families of all stripes. Even C.S. Lewis wrote about the phenomenon of “henpecked husbands” so clearly this isn’t a new or rare situation.
It definitely could be a cultural thing, Terry. I do believe I have been around a few couples which have practiced some form of “patriarchal” family govt. in which he dictates and she just does whatever he says.
To be honest, my husband tends to be rather laid back about asserting his authority and I can be one of those pushy, opinionated women who have definite ideas about what ought to be done. He usually listens to my concerns and sometimes even agrees that my ideas are the most reasonable. But, when all’s said and done, what I really want is for my husband to lead so I can step out with confidence, knowing that the full weight of responsibility for our home is not sitting on my head. Along the way, one truth I’ve had to accept is that if I feel overly concerned about certain decisions or situations, setting these things before the Lord in prayer is far more effective than nagging and arguing with my huaband.
The thought came to mind while reading your last comment that I’m probably not the only woman who has an inherent, even unconscious tendency to try to dominate. My husband doesn’t let me push him around, but he was also raised with an understanding of what it looks like to shoulder responsibility as a husband/father. It is entirely possible that there are a significant number of “henpecked” husbands who never had this influence, want to be respected as the man of the house, yet don’t relish the idea of accepting a leadershop role. And as a result, deliberately married a more aggressive mother figure. Or, a wife can feel the need to take charge when she realizes he’s satisfied to let her.
It seems that when the role of Christian husband is brought up, we often mention the abusive, overbearing imbalance but do not consider that some women end up “wearing the pants” by default.
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