Dealing With Daughters: On College and Careers

As I contemplated the next post in this series, in which I wanted to discuss whether college or careers is a valid path for young women, I remembered that I already covered this topic a couple of years ago. My opinion on the matter hasn’t changed, and neither has my husbands, so I decided to simply update and re-run my original thoughts.

A thoughtful commenter once asked for my thoughts on college for girls given the expense incurred on what is often a poor return on the investment. Her question is one we think about often as we have four daughters who will be college-aged in the space of one short year. Actually, we haven’t thought about it in terms of agonizing over if they’ll attend college or not. We have deliberated about what obtaining a college degree will look like for them; the fact that they will live at home, that we won’t go into debt, etc.  We have always agreed that a college education is a good decision, so long as it’s done in a  wise and discerning way.

Being the parents of all girls changes the way you approach the parenting task at hand. If my husband dies at a relatively young age, there are no brothers on whom our daughters can depend. Any brothers that may come from this point will certainly not be available to help our daughters who are already very near womanhood. Our extended families are not those where adults of either gender would be tolerated to live without producing an income and I don’t know of very many churches that bother to take on the responsibility of caring for women who are capable of providing an income for themselves. My husband is emphatic on this point, and I agree: we want our girls to be self-sufficient. Not Independent free agents; we are teaching them their help comes from the Lord. Ideally, they will be entrepreneurs as we have taught them that this is the best way to help their husbands generate more income if it is needed, and is also the best way to avoid the drudgery and bondage of corporate life if they don’t marry.

I work diligently to try and impart to them the skills they’ll need and the attitude required to be good wives to their future husbands, able homemakers, and excellent mothers.  We teach them to be open to marriage at a young age, and not waste time pursuing a career during their most fertile and energetic years. We raise them to understand that should the Lord bless them with a family, their first and most important calling is to be present and not outsource the training of their children to third-party hirelings. It is the norm for women to become wives and mothers and it is a sad indictment of our society, and especially the church that we cranking out young adults less able in this arena with each successive generation.

One reality of the 21st century that is often overlooked in the conservative Christian blogosphere, but one we have to contend with nonetheless, is that it is becoming increasingly uncommon for marriage and family to be the norm for many women (and not always by choice), and certainly for most black women. I was blessed last week to be able to catch up and converse with an old family friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a couple of years. 51 years old and still very attractive, she has never been married. Unlike the average never married black woman, my friend is childless, has been walking with the Lord for 30 years, and has been open to the prospect of marriage and family for every day of the past 30 years. She is not a rarity. This further underscores the need for parents of daughters to raise feminine, grounded, capable women rather than  princesses languishing as they wait for a prince who may never come.

Even as I type this, I am aware of how faithless and worldly it must sound to some. Particularly to those who have invested fully in the “truth” that woman was created for marriage and the home is her sole sphere of influence.  It is not that I don’t believe in the ideal. It’s  that I know the prospect of an ideal world this side of heaven died in the garden of Eden. Anyone who has read here for even a short while knows my passion for homemaking and the zeal I feel for women to leave the rat race and come home to their families. It is not that I don’t have the faith that God will send husbands for my daughters. Besides, as one eloquent young sister so aptly pointed out in a recent post, these statistics become far less daunting when viewed in light of the fact for every woman, all that is needed is for the one right guy to come along,  and the rest don’t matter. It’s not that I am training my daughters to hedge their bets. It’s that I am an optimistic realist.

There are reasons directly related to their futures as homemakers that are incentive for my girls to obtain college degrees as well. One reason I think a college degree is possibly a good investment is that I foresee a future when the option to home school, should my daughters choose it, will be highly regulated on a national level and a college degree will most certainly be a minimum requirement for families who would educate their children at home. I also want to give them the opportunity to cultivate their interests,  and hear different points of view. I had a grand time defending my positions in a few of my college classes as I finished my degree a bit in later in life than I originally planned. It was refreshing to have the Lord put the words in my mouth or translate them to a page in ways that quickly put to death the notion that faith is inherently illogical.

We want our daughters to be open to the direction of the Lord in their lives, and whatever that might look like.  While I hope that it means a dedication to home and family, I realize there is possibility that for at least one of them, it may not. However that need not mean a life less than full. It need not mean a life devoid of ministry, as the Bible record includes women who walked with Jesus and were sent by the apostles on missionary journeys.  As much as I desire for my daughters to be wives and mothers, it is incumbent upon me to remember that God’s plan for their lives is not about my desires, but His will, and our job as parents is to prepare them for whatever the future may hold. If it becomes clear that His will for any of them is to NOT earn a  college degree, we are truly open to that as well. We simply do not believe that shunning a college degree is a Biblical principle.

Ultimately, our position is one of openness. Openness to wherever the Lord leads and awareness that while we are to guide our children, they are to follow after Him.

Edited to add: It has been brought to my attention by an astute reader that I bungled the most important responsibility of a wife and mother. I said this:

We raise them to understand that should the Lord bless them with a family, their first and most important calling is to be present and not outsource the training of their children to third-party hirelings.

And this was wrong. Those of you who have been reading this blog for years know that I am adamant on the issue of wifely submission, but for those who stumble upon this post, it could be easily misconstrued to believe that I prize the role of mother over that of being a submissive wife. Nothing is more powerful in demonstrating the power of Christ in a marriage than when each party fulfills the role God commanded. For the wife, this is to submit. Full stop. Everything else is secondary.

Cure for Female Performance Anxiety? Don’t.

When I get dressed in the morning the overriding thing I consider is whether or not my husband will like what he sees. It’s archaic of me I know, but there you have it. Modesty is no longer an issue not because I dress immodestly, but because hyper-focusing on that often meant that I was dressed in a way that my husband hated.  I looked religious enough, but was unattractive to my husband. This was counter intuitive.

Once that phase passed I found myself in another one, where I always seemed to be overdressed compared to the other suburban mothers at the park, the PTA, and the supermarket. Every day when I went out I met the same refrain: “You look nice. Where are you going today?” I was going right where I was, and no place else usually. It go so that I became self-conscious about it  even though I was happy with my attire and my husband was pleased as well. Still, I tried to dress down a bit, find a more balanced way to look nice. That failed, too. Why it mattered to me whether I fit in with the sweats and flip flops brigade is a mystery.

Actually, it’s not a mystery.  A few years ago, right around the time I started blogging in fact, it became clear to me that we (women, that is)  are fairly well obsessed with performing for others. It feels uncomfortable to describe it that way and we may not want to acknowledge it, but that’s what it is. Forget the bravado you hear from those women who claim they could care less what anyone thinks of them. It is simply not true. We can learn to rise above the tendency, but it requires conscious effort.

I don’t get out much to do things or go places that don’t involve my family. That’s not a complaint. It’s simply a reality of life as a wife and mother of 5 children. There isn’t a lot of time for socializing and lunch dates with friends. As a result I’ve been pretty good at shaking off that innate feminine tendency to want to fit in with other women, but I’m not immune to the whispers of inadequacy that can come as a result of being the only one who (insert anomaly here). When I was a young bride I was dogged by the whispers, but now they don’t last long  when they get through at all.  I’ve learned to silence them quickly, by narrowing my focus.

The adult I spend the most time with is my husband, so it’s natural that I turn my energies toward what he likes and needs. Paul admonished those wanting to be married that it would be so, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He also admonished women to encourage one another in our home endeavors. Full time wives and mothers are a minority, so it’s hard to find others to build camaraderie with. It’s challenging being a relic in a world where value and productivity are measured chiefly in dollars and cents. Finding like-minded ladies can create a sense of belonging, but can also open the door to dangerous comparisons.

When you combine this with the innate feminine tendency to compare and measure ourselves against anything and everything, it can make for a disquieting existence.  I realize that men can be competitive and experience stress, and all of those things, but it’s different for us. The fact that there networks of blogs, websites, magazines, talk shows, and books with the express intent of advising and encouraging women makes it obvious that women are more prone to this tendency than men are. Men have their own sets of challenges, but this is about us.

It’s taken me a while, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson from watching my husband over the past 2 decades. That lesson is that it’s better to set your goals, set your sights, and stay focused without allowing the opinions of others to toss you this way and that. I’ve found that men tend to be better in general at doing this.

I would usually go out of my way to tell women not to try to be like  men, but this is one area where I’ll make an exception. Thankfully as it turns out, this ability to keep one’s eye on the prize isn’t one that only men should cultivate. The idea of singleness of heart is found throughout Scripture, and as long as our hearts are turned toward the thing that God has called us to, we have the ability to tune out the voices that call to us to ignore those things that are most important in an attempt to fit in.

For the Christian wife, the opinions of the ladies at the PTA or mid-week Bible study are irrelevant when there are no clear  issues of sin and righteousness up for discussion. We are to submit to God and our own husbands.  Have you ever noticed that men tend to respect another man’s right to run his home as he sees fit? Women on the other hand, hold one another up to impossible standards. Impossible because we’re daughters of Eve, chronically discontent without a lot of prayer and internal work.

We go from being at ease in our own skin to being convinced that the sister with the floor-length dresses and head coverings is more holy, and emulate that. Suddenly the husband we respected and looked up to is flawed because he plays XBox on Saturday mornings while Sis. Smith’s husband leads the Saturday morning  men’s prayer gathering. We get out of our place and start using our “godly influence” to nudge him in the right direction: away from his video game and toward the path to church ministry. We hate our house, our bodies, our jobs, and on and on it goes.

Life becomes one big performance depending on who is watching. There’s no peace in our hearts, no joy in our walk, no intimacy in our marriages, but we look good to those on the outside looking in. My life forever changed when I recognized the fruitlessness of religious theater. Experts say that women are  unhappy, and they have myriad questions and theories about why. There’s no mystery here, really. It’s round the clock performance anxiety. It’s enough to make anyone stressed, irritable, and crazy. Even professional actors get days off.

Once you cease to care about owing anyone anything but the debt of love, the pressure to perform goes away. The drive to measure up to whichever arbitrary standard you’re face with today dissipates.

Hang up the mask, and put on the sundress if it’s what your husband prefer no matter what Sis. Smith has to say about it. You’ll eventually learn to rise above the subtle criticisms and judgmental looks.

Simply refuse to play the game. It’s the cure for feminine performance anxiety.

My Growing Problem With Conservatism…

Is that all too often, the principles get lost because at the core, the belief systems are the same as liberalism. It’s liberalism lite. The only difference is the wrapping. The contents are the same once you peel back the layers: materialism, feminism, secularism.

I was reminded of this as I read the coverage of this story at the conservative opinion blog, Hot Air:

My gut reaction: Of course stay-at-home moms are stressed, they live in poorer households than women who work do. This result is simply an artifact of worrying about money, not having to take care of kids. Right? Actually … no.

The first thing that struck me was the bloggers substituting a diagnosis of stress where the Gallup poll noted depression. Our family is currently living through a season of stress, but I am not depressed. Living in a situation where finances are tight can be stressful, but need not lead to depression unless one has an exaggerated or unrealistic expectations of what is an acceptable standard of living.

Rather than look beneath the surface, Hot Air immediately pounced on the feminist meme of women needing the independence and financial security only found at work:

When you’re this close to dire poverty and homelessness, knowing that you have it in your power to put food on the table for your kids may be something of a psychological relief; if you show up every day and do your job well, you stand a fair chance of holding down a steady paycheck. If, on the other hand, you’re a SAHM married to a man who’s earning less than $36,000 a year, the only thing standing between you and dire poverty or homelessness is his ability to show up every day and do his job well. And the painful truth is that not every husband is going to do that. Simply put, financial independence may mean less worry in the aggregate even if it means more responsibilities.

Of course Gallup found that the levels of depression were not isolated among lower income SAHM’s only, but extended all the way up the income ladder, which left the Hot Air pundit stumped:

That explains the problem for lower-income SAHMs but, as noted up top, it doesn’t explain why anger, sadness, and depression are higher for stay-at-home moms than for working moms across all income levels. Here’s where you come in, HA commenters: Why is that? Any theories?  Could be that modern expectations that an educated woman should have both a career and a family are weighing on even rich SAHMs and making them question their choices, but beyond that I’ve got nothing. How about it, ladies?

I do in fact have a theory or two, but I’ll wait to hear what my fellow traditionalists have to say on the matter.  For now, I can’t help but notice the similarity of thought between liberalism and modern conservatism. As Chris well noted, this can’t be helped when we try to champion traditional values apart from higher principles, specifically the gospel:

Because we do not preach the gospel but a pale version of morality, denying the power within the gospel. We think we deserve all spiritual blessings and happiness. Women who think this will never, ever be satisfied by any man.

Or any amount of money, or any level of education, or children, or beauty, nothing. We will continue to be perpetually dissatisfied. Yeah, we’ve come a long way.

(h/t: Sheila)

Learning and Sharing Wifehood With Dearth of Titus 2

This post is less about a specific marriage issue and more about my continued passion for healthy marriages as well as a plug for Sheila’s weekly marriage posts at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. It’s also a brief treatise of my views concerning online marriage mentoring.

One of the things I have noticed is that in online discussions on the subject of marriage, there are many women with lots of questions and just as many people who believe that no one online should attempt to give them answers. In a perfect world I’d agree with that, but we live in a world that is far, far, from perfect. What’s worse we live in a place where there used to be a relatively consistent standard of right and wrong but that has vanished. I often think of an example from my childhood when I ponder this issue.

When I was a teenager I remember that a  young girl in our school found herself pregnant. She lived in our neighborhood and the girl’s mother thought the best course of action was to terminate the pregnancy. When the time came however, they changed their minds. I still recall what the mother of the teenager reportedly said: “We’re not religious people, but even we draw the line at at ending the life of a baby.” I imagine that baby is around 24 or 25 now. And when I think back on it I mourn a bit because I know that such common standards of decency and right-thinking that crossed religious lines is no more. This is as true in the area of Biblical marriage as it is anything else.

And so we have young men and women, nearly half from broken homes themselves, taking the leap of faith required to embark on the journey of marriage in a world where the very definition of marriage itself is undetermined. A significant number of young believing couples start out with few if any role models in their families or in the church for how to love selflessly and submit joyfully.  More than a few women have stumbled upon this blog and emailed with all kinds of questions from the mundane to the shockingly intimate. And yet, those of us who have been longer married are supposed to turn them away because it’s “not our place” to advise them on matters of communication, sexuality, finances, or whatever dilemma it is that hurting people with nowhere to turn need answers to.

I truly believe that a wife’s first line of defense is to talk out issues with her husband. However, I know what it is when that doesn’t work, when two people married in unbelief and one is converted and praying for the other. Communication can be very difficult to almost nonexistent when two people are looking at the world through different lenses. Communication can be difficult even when both spouses share the same faith convictions. What is a wife to do when every believer they turn to for help has determined that it’s “none of their business?” Are there no supportive or helpful words to offer a sister in such a situation?

One of the reasons I stopped writing Wifey Wednesday posts (besides the fact that they were growing redundant) is because they often felt contentious. Every general observation or rule of thumb was met with anecdotal exceptions or admonitions that advice being offered was too specific . I have a great deal of admiration for Sheila’s passion for marriage and willingness to stick to her assignment despite the detractors she may draw. It’s one of the reasons I decided to write this post for Wifey Wednesday; so that she knows she has my continued support.

The fact that we don’t agree on every minute matter doesn’t change the fact that she (and her husband) are doing what they can trying to help couples. Far too many of us fail to be supportive of the couples in our sphere of influence because we have ingested this evil American tendency toward rugged individualism at the expense of community even among believers. Live and let live is not found in the Scriptures and I don’t believe that it’s how believers are to relate to one another.

Let me remind those of you who have the great fortune of having been raised by godly mothers or are plugged in to good churches where you can find a good role model to mentor you not to take these things for granted.  Do not assume that everyone has them because not everyone does. I’d wager that most people don’t. When they happen upon someone online who holds a Biblical view of marriage, that is a good thing, not something to begrudge them because they could’ve clicked on something a lot worse.

Recently in what could only be described as a fit of desperation, a woman virtually called out for help and when I didn’t know to say to offer her immediate comfort,  I was thankful to be able to direct her to a post on Sheila’s blog that tackle her dilemma from both sides. The first was “Should You Change to Make Your Marriage Better?”  No, it’s not the same as a supportive church family counseling session or even a sage and godly mother, but this sister had neither. And she was thankful for those posts that steered her in the right direction as she attempts to be a good and godly wife.

I am not content to offer abstract spiritual platitudes and Scriptural quotes sans anything practical and am so very thankful that should I continue to live and breathe I have an open line of communication with my daughters and they will have me available to do as Titus 2 commands. To admonish my young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. There will be times when they will need practical guidance on how to walk that out.

I belong to a church where people come in off the street and are saved. Lately there are not as many believers who hop from church to church in our congregation. This makes me more aware of the reality that there are families out there raising my potential future sons-in-law.Couples who may or may not have the support that most of us lacked when we embarked on our own marriages.

We don’t live in a small, cloistered, rural community of fundamentalist homeschool families committed to Biblical courtship. The chances of them marrying someone who doesn’t have what they have had at home are as good if not better than their chances of meeting a man who did. So any and every woman I can help in any small way to have a better marriage and a better chance of success, I want to be able to do that.

I don’t want to offer pat, religious sounding answers to complex questions. I want to live my faith in a real way and feel free to talk to women about real issues without fear of offending those who have been blessed to be spared severe trials in their marriage. Who are blessed to have someone in their lives they can turn to when they have sexual incompatibility, struggles with communication, problems submitting to a man who seems to be leading in the wrong direction, etc. If you have that kind of support never underestimate how blessed, and rare, you are.

But mainly, I just mourn the dearth of godly older women who have chosen service and sacrifice over self-fulfillment. Who would have stood against the need for a time when young women turn to technology for answers they should be getting from their mothers, aunts, and grandmothers. Or even their church mothers.  We live in a time where significant numbers of young men and women reach adulthood having never known what it is to see a man love his wife as Christ loves the church. Or a wife submit to her husband as unto the Lord. Someone has to be willing to offer support and godly counsel.

I wish there was no need for blogs like To Love Honor and Vacuum or even this one, where women still stumble upon older marriage posts in their search for answers. But since they seem to be needed, I am very thankful they exist.

This post is part of Wifey Wednesday hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.

Are You Always On Your Mind?

I rarely look into a mirror lately without seeing something of me that I would change if I could I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s my recent milestone birthday. Perhaps it’s the 20 pounds that stubbornly cling to me despite my faithfulness to eat well and exercise daily. Whatever the reason, it occurred to me recently that the more time and energy I spend thinking of me, the less I’m spending attending to the needs of others. I knew my self-consciousness was a real problem when, as I looked at my self in the mirror while dressing the other day, a song emerged from my mental Rolodex that spoke to my growing self-absorption: “You are always on my mind”, by Willie Nelson. I knew that as a divine wake up call because I am not a huge fan of country music, and even less of Willie Nelson!!

This experience lead me to ask myself a question. Is it a sin to be self-conscious? I mean, we all accept that we shouldn’t think too highly of ourselves, be judgmental, condescending, or consumed with pride. But what of those of us that are in no danger of being accused of being full of conceit?  I have on several occasions, been complimented on my “humble attitude”, self-deprecating humor, and other such nonsense. Nonsense because I know it isn’t true.

However, my recent encounter with the bathroom mirror has caused me to consider the fact that self-centeredness, regardless of its form, is still unhealthy, unbiblical, and sinful. This sent me on a journey through the scriptures because I believe that it is the only place that I can find out the truth of my spiritual condition. There are numerous references to the importance of loving our fellow man, helping those in need, and so on. Where does our attitude toward ourselves and our feelings fit into this picture? It doesn’t. We are to “take no thought for our lives” (Matthew 6:25).

We women have to take special care to spend as much time loving God and others as possible. That’s controversial, I know, given the current push toward “taking care of ourselves so that we’ll have something to give others”. I submit that God will pour into us the life that we need to pour out. Censoring media consumption is a must. Guard yourself against the constant barrage of messages that say we’re not tall enough, thin enough, smart enough, sexy enough, and the rest. Finally and most importantly, search the scriptures for a godly and biblical picture of femininity. Let me help you get started:

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair-wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3: 3-4.

I Wear Tops Like This One

Does that make me immodest? Sheila started quite a conversation on her blog when she addressed the problem of approaching modesty from the perspective that modesty equals dowdy.

Her post was excellent and I agree with about 99% of it. The problem for me came when she inserted a list of modesty do’ s and do not’s. One of the do not’s was a blanket condemnation of tank tops.

I happened to be wearing a blue tank top like the one pictured above when I read her post and found myself commenting to defend those of us who flash our upper arms and live in hot states where most of the women wear far less. I wasn’t the only one who countered with that and was swiftly shot down for setting our standards according to the culture rather than the Word of God.

I will add for the sake of context, that with said blue top I was in a near floor length peasant style skirt and a really cute blue head wrap. In that context, how was I immodest? How did I “look like the world?” We need to be careful when we issue a list of what is modest and what isn’t without allowing for each person’s style, body type, height, the climate they live in, etc. It smacks of legalism to me.

Here is part of a comment I left on Sheila’s post:

And where in the word of God does it say that shoulders are immodest? Unless clothing is clearly and overtly sexual and provocative, showing areas that it is generally understood should not be shown, let’s not add a list of do’s and do not’s that the Bible doesn’t offer and then claim it does.

Some men have foot fetishes. Does that mean we shouldn’t wear sandals lest we incite lust?

Lest you anti-tank top women feel too smug, there was more than enough anti-pants sentiment to go around as well. Though not from Sheila, who appreciates a nice pair of jeans.

I have read nothing over there that changed my conviction.

I’m over the modesty debate. A woman following the Lord knows how to cover herself without a list of rules Scripture doesn’t offer.

The end.

ETA: Turns out Sheila meant “tube tops” not “tank tops.” She updated her post, so I’m updating mine.

When Time Online Leaves You Feeling You’ll Never Measure Up

Imagine spending all day shopping for the perfect party dress and getting all dolled up for a holiday soirée. Upon your last passing glance in the mirror, you think you’re looking pretty good, if you do say so yourself. You come downstairs and the look in your husband’s eyes lets you know that he completely agrees with your assessment. You get in the car and head off to the party feeling excited and beautiful, rare emotions in the day-to-day grind of child rearing and homemaking.

You anticipate a perfect evening, only to walk in and find that Mrs. Grant from down the street is wearing the exact same dress as you. To add insult to injury, she’s 20 pounds lighter than you and 2 inches taller; that dress looks much better on her than it ever will on you. Dismay washes over you as wish you had listened to your husband when he suggested the two of you skip the party and go out for a romantic dinner since you don’t get to do that very often. You still have a good time, but it’s just not all that you’d hoped it would be because you can’t help thinking that everyone else is thinking that Mrs. Grant looks so much better in her dress than you do in yours.

That’s what many Christian women do to themselves each and every day when they open up their Bloglines without a strong sense of who they are and contentment with where they are on their journey. I know because for a few weeks after I first stumbled into the world of Christian blogging, I was one of them. The scheduling, the recipes, the parenting advice (women who claimed they never even raise their voices at their children!), homemaking tips, schedules, and philosophies. What’s more they managed to accomplish all this and still study the Scriptures, have a quiet time, bake bread, garden, sew their own aprons, homeschool, (pause to breathe), do laundry, craft, mow the grass, part the Red Sea, take pictures of their feats, post them, and blog about it. And they looked great too! It’s enough to make even the most confident woman feel inferior, let alone someone looking for answers and guidance to begin with.

That’s just one more reason why we need to be oh so careful to cultivate relationships and learning opportunities from real, flesh and blood women and in addition to those we encounter on the blogs. We must make a clear distinction between one-dimensional relationships and 3-D relationships.  In 3-D, you can see all the sides of a person, not just their good sides. Blogs can create a distorted view of a blogger which can in turn breed a distorted view of one’s self and life. Who wouldn’t feel a bit inadequate in the face of much of what’s presented on some blogs?

When I first encountered the blogosphere, I had bouts of inferiority. I admit it. After a few weeks I got over it. I think the fact that long-term discontent didn’t take root in me springs from a number of sources- not the least of which is that I decided several years ago that I was done comparing myself with other women and battling the inevitable insecurity that results from such comparisons. I know who I am and what I believe. It’s one of the reasons that I can have a fruitful relationship with just about any Christian sister so long as we handle each other with grace.

Equally important is the fact that I have real life relationships with a few women who are gifted in different areas. Some are masters of charity. Others always have a good word to say about their husbands- even if they have a husband who feels more secure with them working part-time. Others have a special knack for knowing how to make their houses feel like a home to anyone who walks through the door. I can admire these qualities up close. And I can also pray for them in areas that may be much more of a struggle. They do the same for me and there’s no room or reason for jealously to take root because in a 3-D relationship, all sides are visible, not just the perfect sides.

Understand that I enjoy blogging immensely. I even enjoy reading the blogs of the sisters who look like “Super Mommy”. There’s nothing wrong with having something to aspire to. If you’re going to harbor ambition, there’s no better place to aim it than at being an excellent wife and mother. I have tried delicious recipes, and gotten wonderful book recommendations. I think the homeschool advice has been what I value most, particularly given my inexperience in that area. I have also enjoyed engaging in healthy, if sometimes heated debates. They cause me to examine my thinking more closely. There is a wealth of information and encouragement to be found online.

One of the most important things we can possess in any situation, however, is proper perspective. That’s what my 3-D relationships provide. It makes it easy for me to keep what I read online in its proper place. I can admire all the pretty pictures, great marriages, and lofty ideals, and not feel worthless when I step away from the computer and realize that I just spent 45 minutes clicking around online when I should’ve washed the dishes. Because no matter what that seemingly perfect sister just posted, I know she has those moments too.

Blogging friends are great. I would even go so far as to say I love a few of the ladies I’ve become acquainted with online. I’ve talked to a few of you on the phone, prayed for you, and had you pray for me. I’ve been welcomed with my children into the home of one blogger for a lovely time of fellowship. I have been blessed with a phenomenal friendship that started right here on this blog. I could never diminish what is possible through online interaction.

But let’s face it: If my SUV breaks down on the side of the Interstate and the husband’s working out-of-town, I need someone local I can call to come and pick up me and my kids. And that cannot be accomplished via email!

Can Effective “Titus 2 Mentoring” Occur Online?

My short answer is No. Of course there’s a lot that can and probably already has been said about this but because most of the prognostication is done by bloggers, myself included, it stands to reason that we may not be as objective on the issue as we could or should be.

My short answer not withstanding, I am fully convinced that we can exhort, encourage and spur one another on to good works using this medium. I can hardly count the lessons I have learned and the creativity that has been sparked in me as a result of reading all of the wonderful blogs I have come across since I stumbled onto the blogosphere several years ago. Still, there are some problems with using blogging as a pseudo mentoring tool and I would like to take some time, maybe over 3 or 4 posts, and examine the many reasons that we need to use care and especially prayer as we read the nearly infinite number of ideas and views floating around the Internet. I’ll discuss a number of these issues over the next couple of posts, or as time permits me to electronically journal my thoughts. Among the issues:

1) The issue of aged women teaching the younger (or vice versa).

2)The problem of dreams being birthed in our hearts apart from our husbands’ influence and input.  This is a big issue.

3)The Internet: the ulitmate intimacy barrier.

4) How this medium can feed or induce discontentment.

Join me as we talk about how we can prayerfully use our blogs for the glory of God while still keeping the proper perspective in our day to day lives. I’m really looking forward to this and I hope you are, too.

This posts are reposts of a series of old posts that I think are worth revisiting given some of the recent conversations we’ve had here. Besides, I know there are plenty of people reading today who had never visited this site when the posts were first presented.

Learning to Swim Upstream

I had an experience recently that should have left me happy, but left me sort of sad.  And it occurred to me that the reason it felt that way is because what should be common practice for us (me) as Christians is so rare.

I shared here some time ago about a burden I felt to reach out to widows in the community where I live. I’d love to say that I’ve been consistently building relationships there, but it’s been hit and miss. There are seasons when I’m aware and actively reaching out, and others where I fall back into the habit of the tunnel vision focus on me and mine.

This past month was a season of awareness and I took the time along with my family to do a kind act for a widow on my block. Her reaction was a mixture of surprise, gratitude… and guilt. I have too many children to be worrying about her, she said. I didn’t need to take the time out to come to her. She knows I’m far too busy for that kind of thing. I should be focused on my own family. Still, she thanked me for taking the time to think of her and gave me a big hug as I left.

The sadness set in as it became clear to me that the reasons she offered to excuse me from doing such things in the future are the exact same excuses I’ve used to excuse myself from such action in the past. Verbatim. I’m not the only one I’ve heard do it. I hear it all the time; in churches, at schools, and online. The families God has blessed us with are used as excuses to keep us from being a blessing to others.

What really left me reeling is the memory of older women from our church growing up, in the community, and in my own family. Some weren’t even believers.  Many of them had far more children than I, as hard as that is to believe in our day. Some of them had jobs, were poor, or were widows themselves. It didn’t stop them from giving of their time, talents, and substance to help those in need around them.

I lost an aunt early last year who was known for her kindness of spirit and generosity to those around her. People from all walks of life stood to say that she was always willing to share what she had if they needed anything. She was widowed as a young woman and raised 4 children on her own. She exemplified Christian charity and kindness.

Those of us who have dedicated our lives to serving our husbands and families are resisting one of the trends of our culture.That’s commendable but it’s equally true that we are also swimming with the tide in most cases. That realization was hard for me to swallow. Career-driven wives and mothers will tell that they do what they do for the families, too. Their time is devoted to providing their family’s needs. In fact, just about every one you meet is doing what they’re doing because they believe it’s right.

Extending ourselves for our families is good and right. Using that noble work as an excuse not to extend ourselves on behalf of others isn’t. It shouldn’t be unusual for men and women who claim to love God to extend themselves to those around us. It should be as natural as breathing. How hard is it to bake an extra dozen cookies for a another family when I’m already baking? How much time does it take to offer to pick something up from the store for an elderly neighbor when I’m already going to the market? In the case of the instance I referenced above, it wasn’t any trouble at all to do what we did. It was a part of my daily routine. Except that day I bothered to think about a person outside of my immediate family.

Working my fingers to the bone for the people I have a natural desire to go the extra mile for doesn’t make me any less selfish than the unbelieving wife and mother who does the same thing.The real work, the true nobility, is expressed when I regularly give of myself (up close and personal) to those who have nothing to offer me in return.

I’m struggling with curbing selfishness right now. The worst part is that I remembered a recent reading of Proverbs 31. I even linked to it. Remember this part? :

She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.

For so long I translated this verse, “She extends her checkbook to the poor so that other missionaries can reach out their hands to the needy,” Giving is good, and we’ll continue to do it. But sometimes the love needs to extend from my own hands. That won’t happen unless I make a conscious decision to do it on a regular basis. To start every day asking God to help me look for ways to be a blessing to someone as I live my life each day. I have a long way to go.

In other words, I need to make it a habit of swimming upstream, and flex my giving muscles in a new way. I really haven’t been doing that no matter how often I’ve told myself that I am.

This is  not my typical Wifey Wednesday post, where we talk marriage, but extending ourselves to others is certainly a part of being a virtuous wife, according to Proverbs 31. Sheila has an excellent Wifey Wednesday post up today. It’s titled Caring For Our Appearance, and I highly suggest y’all click on over and read it.

Learning How to Love…Truly

This is a repost from over a year ago. It’s a good one and well worth the read even if you’ve read it before.  I’ve read a couple of posts over the past month by other bloggers (Grerp and Dalrock) that touch on the Bridezilla syndrome that women get swept up in and it reminded once again about the difference between a wedding and a marriage. Between a bride and a wife. The original post was titled Falling In Love vs. Living In Love.

As I was sitting watching my hubby coloring with Lil’ Princess yesterday, I was struck by all the things I’ve learned about love, and marriage, and family. Things I could never have learned any other way than being in this family. Things I could never have learned without the trials as well as the triumphs. And thinking about how blessed I am to be a part of the work God is doing in each of us through this family that He bound together to love and learn from one another. In particular, I was thinking about growing in marriage.There is a difference between falling in love and living in love. And learning the difference between the two has made all the difference in where we are compared to where many couples end up.

I remember how difficult it was for me as a young wife to be happy and accept my husband when we began to unpack the emotional bags that we’d kept safely tucked away while we were dating and putting our best feet forward. Every cross word, forgotten request, or lack of attention was magnified because I didn’t know what it meant to live in love. I only knew what it meant to fall in love, and it was causing me a world of misery. My husband though not perfect, handled it much better when I unpacked bags that frankly hid far more dysfunction and selfishness than his.

I think I understand why that may have been, though I certainly don’t pretend to have all the answers. When brides are preparing to wed, the lion’s share of time and attention is spent focused on the wedding day: the dress, the flowers, the food, the colors. It’s all about our “big day.” We view our wedding day as the culmination of a beautiful romance. All that’s missing is for the preacher to end the ceremony with these words: AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER… and then reality rears its ugly head. It was all a big hoax. It isn’t really, but when we’re not prepared to be wives instead of simply brides, it feels that way.

Until I learned to see marriage as a beginning and not a culmination, it was hard to settle in and ride through all the ups and downs of married life. Everything about our culture encourages us to view marriage as the end of journey. Marriage is either the apex of happiness or the beginning of the end, depending on which narrative we buy into. We teach young women to expect happily ever after and young men to believe that marriage is something you do after you’re done having fun. Maybe that’s why husbands are generally happier in their marriages than their wives: they’ve already been bred not to expect much, while we have been bred to expect the moon and stars, even if we’re doing absolutely nothing to contribute this blissful fairy tale we expect marriage to be. Is that why 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife?

Years ago, my husband married a tall, flat-bellied, statuesque young girl who thought the sun rose and set in his eyes. A girl who delighted in meeting his every need with no thought of feeling burdened or inconvenienced. I married a tall, handsome, considerate young fellow who wrote me poems for no reason at all. 15 years, one mortgage, triple the expenses, 4 pregnancies, 3 c-sections, 5 babies, and several pounds, later, I am still loved and honored. The poems are tucked away in the recesses of my memory, but I am blessed to still enjoy the affection of a husband who enjoys being near me.Who likes talking with me. Who touches me just because I’m there. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for a husband who appreciates inner beauty as much as outer beauty. So many wives don’t have that after the bloom of being young and carefree has passed. But getting here was not without its challenges.

When we started to unpack our bags, as it were, we began learning that becoming one flesh is a multi-layered process. There is the physical part which occurs immediately, and then there is the long and sometimes painful process of becoming one of heart and mind. It’s that transition from falling in love to living in love and it’s one that many couples never make, hence high divorce rates, even in the church. We’ve relegated love to a feeling, beyond our control rather than what it truly is, a choice. Like so many things in our culture, our redefining of the most important values has proved our undoing.

I was thinking about this the other day when my husband was off from work and I went into the kitchen to fix him some lunch. I asked what he wanted to eat, thinking he was going to say something simple, like a tuna sandwich. Instead, he asked for a salad. Now, in our house, making a salad takes a bit more effort since everything has to be cut and washed. There is no bagged salad mix in my fridge. Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots (which have to be peeled and shredded!), cheese (which also has to be shredded), and croutons all have to be assembled from scratch. I had some laundry I wanted to quickly fold, and he wanted me to stop and make a salad? I had the good sense to begin making the salad without complaint, while mentally ticking off the stuff that would not get done since it was almost time for the littles to wake up from their naps. And then a small voice, deep inside me whispered to my heart:

Do you realize how many women wish they had a husband like yours to make a salad for? Do you remember when you would have thought this was no burden at all? No waste of your oh-so-valuable time? When you would have even been excited about it?

I did remember, and I was convicted and thankful for the Spirit within me reminding me of how blessed I am to be in this place at this time, with this man. Even with all the ups and downs and there have been many, it doesn’t get any better than this. Really. I think that was the tastiest salad he had eaten in a long time. Made from love, not just duty. Love re-ignited by the only One who can show us what real love is all about. The One who also gives us the freedom to choose the more excellent way, the way of love.

If you are blessed to have a man who is there, and has been through thick and thin, up and down, lean times and abundance, and the love is still there, appreciate him. And make sure he knows you do. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate with managing the house, homeschooling, church work, PTA, and everything else. I know. But remember that he has a lot on his plate, too. If we are to have marriages that last, someone has to make the first move and be willing to put in the time to make it happen. Do something nice for him today, okay?

Enjoy a wonderful, worshipful, family-filled weekend!