Majors vs. Minors

Karen Jones asked in response to my last post:

I wish someone would say exactly what the minor and major issues are…even the bible leaves me confused about it…

I think I know that the basics should be Jesus son of God…God come to earth to die on a cross for all our sins and be resurrected into eternal life that we all can freely have if we confess his name as our savior, the bible is God’s words to us ” an instruction book for earth living” then I do not compromise on any of that. But people are calling marriage or abortion and other things minor issues which I consider major issues. Yet I see people have formed different churches over things like length of hair , dress , etc. which I consider more minor issues.

This is a good question and if you’re like me, you find that the things you consider major change as you grow and change. Things that seemed monumental to me 5 years ago seem inconsequential to me now. I’ll use the marriage debate as an example since it is an issue that several Christians have disagreed with me about as well as issue raised by Karen in her comment.

When I wrote Why The Marriage Debate Fails to Move Me, most of the response was positive, but I did receive private correspondence from a few readers who thought I was way off base. They believe that this is a major issue, that the church needs to take a stand on it, and that my position is antithetical to the Christian mandate.

Five years ago, I felt the exact same way. I thought that the extension of marriage “rights” to homosexuals would signal the death knell of marriage as we know it. I thought that we needed to fight state sanctioned homosexual marriage. The validity of all marriages depended on it. While this was once a major issue to me, it no longer is. In fact, I have evolved even more as I have come to believe that the state should probably withdraw from the marriage business altogether, that the church should perform and record sacramental marriages among its own, and that the church should also impose harsh disciplinary and social penalties on those who divorce for any reasons not clearly outlined in Scripture. The state can do and honor whatever it wishes for those on the outside, and it should be of little concern to us.

Does this mean that I am in favor of homosexual marriage? Absolutely not. It is an abomination and there is nothing good or right about it. Is it a hill that the church should be willing to die on? In my opinion, it is not. Again, I haven’t always felt that way, but I do now. The fact that I don’t see it as major doesn’t mean that it isn’t a major issue for someone else. It has been a struggle for me to divorce the political from the spiritual.

Others who have not had that struggle may be perfectly free to fight this fight. It is not my fight. I am more concerned with the dismal state of marriage within the church and am thoroughly convinced that we should give more attention to that issue than we should whether or not the state gives gays access to civilly recognized unions under the umbrella of marriage, as if tacking the word marriage on to the word “gay” suddenly makes it a valid form of marriage. I don’t believe it does, so for me the issue is less exciting.

Ultimately, I believe there are some things that are major issued for us all and I’ll end this post in just a minute with what I believe those issues are. First however, I think we need to understand as believers that everyone has a story and a struggle for deliverance from certain vices, and what is a a genuine, eternal life or death major issue for one person may not rise to the same level for another.

For a recovered alcoholic, one glass of wine is a major. For another believer, it is a minor issue where total abstention is not required. To declare that the only way to walk is as a teetotaler is to impose an unbiblical standard on another believer’s liberty.

For the woman who has struggled with lust, promiscuity, or a desire to be desired, the modesty issue comes front and center in a way that it doesn’t for a woman who doesn’t have the same issues even though we are all Scripturally committed to modesty. Makeup or none, jeans or none, sleeveless or not, it will play out differently depending on the woman, her story, her husband. It’s not for me to decide whether or not it’s a major issue nor how she should walk it out.

There are major issues that all believers can unite around. As we strive to prayerfully live out the universal majors, we free others to master their personal major issues and we are free to do the same. Well, what are the major issues?

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

³⁰ and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. Romans 10:9-10

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, ⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, ⁶ does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; ^7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5: 22-23

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

There are of course, other bedrock doctrinal truths that I could list, but there isn’t the time. I could go on for days! You get the picture.

It is not my intent to ignore this most important question: How Then Shall We Live? I just happen to believe that the answer to that question comes into much better focus when we strive to build a firm foundation on the fundamentals.

Happy New Year

I think I mentioned last year that I have largely sworn off New Years’ Resolutions. I have found them to be more a stumbling block than a motivation in many cases. If there is something I need to do or change and I take note of it in November, then I believe I have a responsibility to make the changes I should in November. Still, I do have a few goals for myself that I hope to accomplish in 2012 even as I began working toward them in 2011:

~I already had our cable television subscription turned off. I know that’s not a major thing to most of the people who read here but Discovery, Food Network, and DIY have been the inspiration of many projects and delicacies in this house.

~I am taking a few sewing classes at the start of this year. I have been attempting to teach myself to sew for the better part of a year now and rectangular objects have long ceased to satisfy my creative bug.

~It’s no secret around these parts that I have a heart for fathers, who are largely forgotten in Western culture. I have decided this year to plan an all out bash for the men in our family and immediate circle of friends for father’s day. My daughter has already begun the planning process. We want to honor the fathers we love in a way that most men never experience on Father’s day. I’m talking about a party that yes, will take 6 months to plan. That big.

~I need to expand my quest for good health. I was satisfied with having lost the excess weight I’d been carrying for three years after the birth of Sweetie Pie. Now I want to improve my health in ways beyond my dress size. The goal is to be stronger and have more endurance to accomplish the many tasks I have to accomplish.

~SAM and I have set a few financial goals that are going to require a level of discipline and sacrifice that we’ve never undertaken before. But we’re up to the challenge.

~Refining the homeschool schedule. This has been such an uphill battle. Balancing the needs of the older with the younger has never ceased to be a challenge. Some weeks are better than others but I’m learning to just be happy that they’re learning.

~And as always and at all times, I am striving and praying for a heart that is continuously being changed and transformed to something my heavenly Father is pleased with.

The thing about all of this is that I began planning or working on most of it during the last quarter of 2011. I did  that precisely because I knew how easy it would be to put it off until the New Year.  Or maybe because it takes me 15 months to accomplish what most of you can achieve in 12. I can be slow like that.

For those of you who have set some goals for the New Year, I’d love to hear what those are and encourage you in your quest. What are your goals for the New Year?

Oh yes, and may the Lord bless you with a healthy and Prosperous 2012!

Are You Always On Your Mind?

I rarely look into a mirror lately without seeing something of me that I would change if I could I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s my recent milestone birthday. Perhaps it’s the 20 pounds that stubbornly cling to me despite my faithfulness to eat well and exercise daily. Whatever the reason, it occurred to me recently that the more time and energy I spend thinking of me, the less I’m spending attending to the needs of others. I knew my self-consciousness was a real problem when, as I looked at my self in the mirror while dressing the other day, a song emerged from my mental Rolodex that spoke to my growing self-absorption: “You are always on my mind”, by Willie Nelson. I knew that as a divine wake up call because I am not a huge fan of country music, and even less of Willie Nelson!!

This experience lead me to ask myself a question. Is it a sin to be self-conscious? I mean, we all accept that we shouldn’t think too highly of ourselves, be judgmental, condescending, or consumed with pride. But what of those of us that are in no danger of being accused of being full of conceit?  I have on several occasions, been complimented on my “humble attitude”, self-deprecating humor, and other such nonsense. Nonsense because I know it isn’t true.

However, my recent encounter with the bathroom mirror has caused me to consider the fact that self-centeredness, regardless of its form, is still unhealthy, unbiblical, and sinful. This sent me on a journey through the scriptures because I believe that it is the only place that I can find out the truth of my spiritual condition. There are numerous references to the importance of loving our fellow man, helping those in need, and so on. Where does our attitude toward ourselves and our feelings fit into this picture? It doesn’t. We are to “take no thought for our lives” (Matthew 6:25).

We women have to take special care to spend as much time loving God and others as possible. That’s controversial, I know, given the current push toward “taking care of ourselves so that we’ll have something to give others”. I submit that God will pour into us the life that we need to pour out. Censoring media consumption is a must. Guard yourself against the constant barrage of messages that say we’re not tall enough, thin enough, smart enough, sexy enough, and the rest. Finally and most importantly, search the scriptures for a godly and biblical picture of femininity. Let me help you get started:

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair-wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3: 3-4.

A Return to Simplicity

While life today is indeed more complex today than it may have been a generation ago, it doesn’t have to be nearly as complicated as we make it.

I was cleaning house today and realized that the vast majority of the things I picked up, dusted, and rearranged were things I could do without. What’s worse, I’ve trained my kids to view luxuries as necessities. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to enjoy some of the little extras in life. It’s just that when I consider the amount of things that we own that we don’t even use I know a line has been crossed. And as a believer I feel an added duty to not allow myself to have a worldly attitude towards things and materialism. Just because I can buy something doesn’t mean that I should. Especially in light of this admonition from scripture:

“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever. ” 1John 2:15-17

I know I’m not alone in this. One of my core beliefs is that humanity is a shared experience. If I am struggling in a particular area there is certainly someone else who is grappling with the same issue, whether or not they ever tell anyone. I am going to make it a personal goal of mine to learn to live a simpler life. I think it’s important every so often to take an inventory and re-prioritize. Now is as good a time as any. I pray that I can make the hard choices and set the boundaries necessary to insure that I have time for the things that matter most. And hopefully, I can teach my kids by example.

I truly believe that in the years ahead, our American standard of living will of necessity,  be pared down. The economic circus we see unfolding in Washington is really a snapshot of  mostAmericans’ personal economic policies and even those of us who don’t live on revolving credit will, as citizens, have to reap a bit of the carelessness our country has sown. All the more reason, in my opinion, for each of us to train ourselves to be know how to live of simplicity and reject this heavily materialistic culture.

One day we’ll be glad we did.

Monday’s Musings (and a Giveaway!)

It’s been a while since I’ve done this but like most Mondays my week is beginning with lots of things I could write about but not enough time to write them. So here goes:

It’s May 23 and I’m still here:

When I saw the billboards around my city saying “The Lord is Coming: May 21, 2011″ I had no idea at first that the person who paid for them was serious; until the news broke that these billboards were popping up all over the country. Apparently I,  and quite a few saints far more righteous than me are not saved at all. We missed the rapture. Judgment Day has found me not up to spiritual snuff. My pastor and friends at church did, too. I’m tempted to mock the  minister who seems to have a reading comprehension problem, but I can’t bring myself to do it.  The issue is too serious in my opinion. Many people believed this and are disillusioned this morning. But just to be on the safe side…if you thought you were in good with Jesus and got “left behind” too, I need to hear from you. You know, just so I know that I’m not the only damned Christian soul still foolish enough to be hanging around the blogosphere when I should be preparing for the Apocalypse. I just mocked him, didn’t I?

Seriously, we should be praying for these people. Their faith is undoubtedly shaken. They spent or gave away everything they owned in preparation for May 21st, thinking it was Judgment Day. My SAM pointed out that we should be living everyday as if it could be the day anyway.  True words.

My culinary adventure continues: This gluten-free living stuff is harder than I thought. Well it really isn’t, but I was initially surprised at how many foods contain gluten. Foods you never suspect, like vanilla extract or dried fruits. While I’ve tried to focus mostly on avoidance of gluten through increasing green vegetables, proteins, and legumes, I couldn’t resist trying my hand at baking a few times. The quick breads have been a rousing success. Sweetie Pie asked for chocolate chip cookies and I found the recipe for Toll House cookies in this book, even with modifications to account for ingredients I didn’t have, to be quite good. Except for the expense of Bob’s Red Mill all-purpose baking mix (and I’m taking steps to start making my own baking mixes), I’m thankful that going gluten-free need not mean going baking-free. I’ve been doing a bit of reading and am frankly shocked that wheat (even whole wheat) isn’t as healthy as we’ve always been told it is. A little research produced a great bit of enlightenment. I need to brush off my copy of Nourishing Traditions pronto.

Strange Bedfellows: This blog is an interesting place, judging from where I get the most traffic. Most people find this blog NOT from seeing me linked on other Christian  blog rolls, but from links on “manosphere”  blog rolls. For my sisters who have absolutely no idea what the manosphere is, it’s a network of blogs primarily centered on topics related to men’s rights, the gender wars, and how feminism has altered the relations between the sexes. Most of the blogs are as far from Christian as you can get, but a few are family friendly. Hawaiian Libertarian sends the most people to this blog. He’s followed closely by Elusive Wapiti. Both of them are on my blog roll.Thanks, guys.

The next group that sends referrals this way (at least over the past couple of weeks) are folks who abhor everything I have to say about, well, everything. But I suspect it’s my views on marriage and family that first got me in the cross hairs. These are the snark forums. You’ll understand if I don’t provide links.

There are a few Christian sites that send significant referrals my way, like Laura at Full of Grace, Seasoned with Salt, Sheila at To Love Honor and Vacuum and Alte at Traditional Catholicism. So thanks, ladies!

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never done a giveaway: When I have books in excellent condition that I’m ready to part with I usually take them to a local used bookstore and trade them for credit towards more books. This time I’m going to give them away to a lucky blog reader! I have three books I want to bless someone with. A Wife After God’s Own Heart, by Elizabeth George. It’s a really great (and balanced!) marriage book for wives.  The second book is Healing Is  A Choice by Steve Arterburn. I read this one as part of a book club a few years ago and it has some good godly guidance for people who are  attempting to move past life-altering hurts. The third book is C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce. I’ll announce a winner on Friday. Comments will be accepted until Thursday at noon. Good luck!

Happy Monday!

My Entertainment is Holier Than Your Entertainment!

A couple of months ago Pastor Mark Driscoll, with whom I have no serious doctrinal disagreements that I’m aware of, decided to weigh in on the subject of video games with a blog and accompanying video entitled, Video Games Aren’t Sinful, They’re Just Stupid. His passion for men being real men was laudable, but I have never been able to relate to the attitude of disdain that seems to characterize many Christians’ thoughts on the subject of video games.

It occurs to me as I write this that I may be giving some the impression that I, my husband, or my children are video game junkies since this isn’t the first time I’ve broached this subject. We are not. Almost any Floridian can relate to this parallel. You pay an extra $10,000 for a house with a pool, or worse pay $20,000 to have a pool installed. At first your family enjoys the pool a great deal, and you wonder how you ever lived with out it. After a while, however, the pool sits largely unused unless the family is having a summertime party. After a  few years many pool owners will tell you that the cost of maintaining their pool far outstrips the enjoyment their family gets from it. The pool isn’t as big a deal anymore. They could take it or leave it.

That’s how we view our video game. We could take it or leave it. It’s used maybe twice a month; making exceptions for when another family with kids is over to visit. Video gaming is not a major part of our life or lifestyle. The girls and I play the occasional game of bowling, Jeopardy, or Wheel of Fortune. Secret Agent Man plays maybe a couple of days every three or four weeks, and I’ve discovered that you can almost set a calendar date for when he’ll play because it’s usually on the heels of a month when he’s worked 13 days straight.

In other words, my defense of adults who play video games is not a knee-jerk defense of the way our family lives. Rather, it is based on the fact that I hate the way Christians get on a bandwagon about a particular thing and make it seem so much worse than other things simply because it’s the thing that every one seems to be into at the moment. Particularly whatever men seem to be into at the moment.

While we certainly need to take extreme care not to take on the values of the culture, we also need to take extreme care to focus our energy on issues of eternal and doctrinal significance. Unless we’re talking about a person who spends most of their waking hours glued to the screen with remote in hand, video gaming does not, in my opinion, meet that standard. We live in an entertainment saturated culture, and when we decide to pick out one area of entertainment on which to focus our disapproval, we give a false sense of security to those who are equally disconnected from real life by other forms of entertainment.

For example, Americans love athletics. People get antsy in church if the service goes long and cuts into the first football game being broadcast on Sunday afternoon. Many churches cancel Sunday evening services on Superbowl Sunday. I admit to being pretty engaged in the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs myself right now. Not to mention MLB, NHL, PGA and the sports with slightly smaller but equally devoted followings. But it’s not just the sports junkies.

There’s also blogs, Facebook, magazines, movies, frivolous Christian romance novels (!) and television. How many Americans were enamored with the royal nuptials, following every detail leading up to the fairy tale wedding of a couple on another continent? We are constantly connected via cell phones and texting to the point where most of us can barely enjoy a few minutes alone with our own thoughts. There’s always something clamoring for our attention, inviting us to engage in passive forms entertainment, and there are few of us, Christian and non alike, who don’t succumb to the temptation in one way or another.

Not all entertainment is without merit, and some have great benefits. Reading a book feeds the mind. Playing a game of pickup basketball is more beneficial than watching Lebron James’ athletic prowess on television. A hike through the woods beats watching the Discovery channel any day. We can enjoy leisure time in a host of productive ways. This is not a condemnation of entertainment, but rather a call to balance in the way we entertain ourselves. More than that, it’s a reminder to be careful about condemning others for doing the same things we do, albeit it in a slightly different way.

Entertainment of all kinds is something we all need to approach in a deliberate and balanced way. If we take a good look at ourselves, we might find we have more in common with the video gamers than we realize.

Did I mention that the things we set our laser-like judgmental focus on are most often forms of entertainment likely to be enjoyed by men.? Or am I the only one who notices that?

Growing Up

I ran across some information a while ago that as a mom I found rather unsettling. If you’re familiar with the story of Peter Pan you know that he lived in Neverland, a magical place where childhood never ends. It seems that Neverland is no longer the stuff of fantasy. The medical and scientific community have concluded in recent years that adolescence-the final stage of childhood-ends at or around age 25. Yes, I said that 25 year-olds are now considered adolescents.

Given the progress and advancements of the last century it would stand to reason that this generation of young people would be better equipped to handle life and the responsibility of adulthood, not less. It’s obvious that somewhere along the way we took a wrong turn. The worst part is that rather than admit that our culture is failing to do an adequate job of raising our kids, we’ve deluded ourselves into believing that this current generation of adult kids remains so because of genetics.

60 years ago, when my grandmother-in-law married at the age of 17, she knew how to manage a household, handling far more than the average housewife of 2011. She had been taught by her mother how to cook, clean, sew, bake, garden and be an all around effective wife and mother. Her young husband had the knowledge and skill to build the home where they would raise their 10 children-with his own hands. I challenge you to find a twenty year old today who can balance a checkbook, let alone build a house and manage a household. There are exceptions I’m sure, but by and large we have a generation of young people who, like Peter Pan, simply refuse to grow up, and their parents are willing accomplices in this folly.

We have a populace that is more educated in terms of theory and technology, but without the practical skills required to manage the day to day affairs of life. We have a society of young people who go through life playing pretend versions of real life without actually living it.

With three children on the cusp of adulthood, this is an issue I’ve pondered quite a bit. My husband and I have our minds fairly settled on the reality that our girls will not be full-grown adults, capable of shouldering the level of responsibility that was expected of young men and women when our grandparents came of age, and we’re okay with that. We are in no mad rush to be done with parenting so that we can get on with “living our own lives.”

At the same time, the idea that our girls, at aged 21 or 22, would not be mature enough to handle some of the basic responsibilities required of adults doesn’t set well with us either. Both of us lost our mothers at young ages and know something of what it is to find ourselves navigating (out of necessity) the reality of handling life. Yes, we had our fathers, but our fathers, both good men, are both men who were largely invested in keeping us out of trouble and teaching us to swim in the sea of a world they viewed as hostile to young black people. In other words, we had to learn to “suck up” things that our mothers may have nurtured us through more gently.

Our goal is to attempt to raise capable young people who are free to grow and learn as they live their lives but who are also prepared to handle responsibility rather than expect their father and I to care for matters that they should be fully of capable of handling themselves. I’ve seen far too many parents intervening on behalf of  high school students who didn’t turn in assignments, failed tests, or missed deadlines rather than allow their kids to live with the results of their irresponsibility. This is a terrible precedent to set, and it lays the ground work for teaching our kids that bad decisions have no adverse consequences.

As a parent, I feel it is my duty to raise children who are able to accept responsibility, serve their fellow man, and view commitment as something to be embraced rather than feared and avoided. And while I am thankful for the progress and advancements of this generation, I think there is much we can learn from those who have gone before us. After all, truth and values are timeless.

Why I’ve Never Embraced Facebook, pt. 2

None of my daughters has a Facebook page or a MySpace page. Most of our closest friends and family are in close enough proximity that we don’t see the need for it. We feel the exact same way about phones with unlimited texting features. Still, that hasn’t completely shielded all of them from some of what takes place when teens are allowed free access to post whatever they want without supervision.

One of my girls found herself heading in a different direction from one of her closest friends as they went through middle school. Part of it was that we simply didn’t allow our kids to hang out at the popular Friday night hangout spot so my girls were disconnected from a lot of their school’s culture. Additionally, my daughter wasn’t interested in the things that many other 12 and 13-year-old girls were becoming interested in. This made her a target on My Space of girls who thought she needed to be taken down a peg or two. The incident passed quickly because my daughter wasn’t able to respond in kind.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is attempt to explain to my daughter that in life there will be people who hate you even if you’ve never done anything to harm them. How do you tell a kid that their very presence, lifestyle and beliefs will cause an irrational contempt to take root in the hearts of people they thought were their friends?  I’ve never figured out exactly how to do it. We just try to create a safe place for them at home where they can be themselves warts and all.

We have found that the best way to handle much of the technology issue with our kids is to skip it altogether. When in doubt, don’t. My oldest thinks she might the only 16-year-old at her school without a Facebook page, but she has peace with it. She’s heard so much about what can go wrong with it that she doesn’t mind at all. We trust our kids to handle themselves appropriately online, but even the best of us makes mistakes, so we decided it’s best just to skip it.

Another thing we have decided to skip is cell phones with unlimited texting features for the girls. They can send text messages from their phone but there is a fee per text. That pretty much limits texts to those necessary to convey important information. This system works well for us, and it eliminates the back and forth texting that can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings.

It is often said that experience is the best teacher, and in some cases it is. I just happen to believe that others’ experiences can be just as educational as our own. As I have listened to other mothers complain about their teens and Facebook or MySpace, I’ve learned that young people, and often even older people, throw caution aside when they take to the keyboard. Boys are receiving risque photos of girls via their telephones, and children have committed suicide because they can’t handle the pressure of having their character maligned and their name trashed for the entire world to see. While I realize that this can happen even if the child doesn’t have a Facebook or MySpace page, I believe it’s markedly worse if they have access to the information, reading it day after day or having it sent to them personally.

You might be wondering at this point: Well, what are your kids allowed to do? My girls have email.  I do have their passwords and access to their emails, but I almost never  read their emails. I haven’t felt a need to do so. They have a cell phone but they only use it when they are away from home. Their friends are required to call the main number to our house and they are required to use our home phone for making calls to their friends. Cell phones are for a specific use and we are teaching them to use them accordingly. I know that not everyone has a land line phone, but we do.

In the last post I mentioned that my girls have largely adopted my approach to friends and relationships, and that I’m not entirely comfortable with it. They hold most people loosely, at arm’s length. They’re kind, courteous and social, but their guard is up around most people they aren’t related to, just like their mama. I have a wide social circle, but my inner circle of friends consists of two people, maybe three. Frankly, I hate that I’ve done that to them, taught them that people can’t be trusted.

Only one of my girls has developed a close friendship with a lovely Christian girl where she is relatively unguarded and I am thankful for that. The twins (15) consider each other best friends. I am attempting to be more open to friendships with people rather than approaching everyone with smile on my lips and armor over my heart. Still, the best way to accomplish that is up close and personal, and not via electronic devices. I just don’t believe God designed us to interact that way exclusively.

As it is becoming increasingly common for more and more people to have almost no deep, uplifting relationships with real flesh and blood human beings, I want my children to appreciate the value of good friends. I do have a couple and they know how much we mean to one another. They appreciate the relationship between their father and I as well.

There was a song that was popular a few years before I was even born, but Motown classics could be heard in our house a lot when I was a kid. Secret Agent Man and I still enjoy old Temptations songs every once in a while. Anyway, I remember my big sister playing a record by Marvin Gaye called Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing. I recalled the lyrics just now as I was wrapping up this post.

I’m not sure what it says about my spirituality that the chorus of 60′s Motown songs play in my head from time to time, but this is one instance where I think it may be appropriate. I will always teach my girls to use discretion when deciding whom they will allow into their lives, but I am learning to be more open and teaching them to do the same.

But up close and personal, not via the Internet.

Why I’ve Never Been Able To Embrace Facebook, pt. 1

“Girls are vicious.”

Those were the words of one of my daughters as she recounted a recent incident of texting/Facebook drama among some girls at her school that went on for far too long.  It culminated with an incident on the bus that sparked an interesting conversation. Seeing this book, Little Girls Can Be Mean, on a shelf in our  local library made me consider the issue a bit more.

I can’t tell you the number of emails I’ve gotten asking if I’m on Facebook. I’m not.  I considered opening a page connected directly to this blog (I did it  in fact), but couldn’t bring myself to engage in the personal nature of the Facebook format. At the risk of energizing those who insist that I’m a misogynist despite my female gender, I’m going to share my reasons why.

In my experience, too much unchecked estrogen in one place invites drama and gossip.This isn’t a novel idea because the Apostle Paul warned us about the tendency many, many years ago:

And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.  Therefore I desire that the younger [women] marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 timothy 5:13-14

Not all women are like that of course, but this  verse could just have easily chastised women for running about from forum to Facebook.  The older I get the less patience I have for phony “prayer requests” and hurt feelings sparked by an innocent comment.When my daughter made the statement about vicious girls, I was reminded of how careful we need to be before we open our mouths, or take to the keyboard.

I feel ill when I find myself being drawn into drama. I didn’t grow up around that sort of thing, having spent my formative years in a mostly male household. Because of that, I also know that handling conflict badly isn’t a problem unique to women. I’ve watched as boys just haul off and punch one another and duke it out until they were too tired to fight anymore. I know most people can recount a news story or personally know men who have been severely injured or killed when tempers flared. We all, male and female alike suffer from Human Personality Disorder. The big difference though is that boys will fight it out one day, and then it’ll be over. The next day they’ll be playing together again. After a few instances at  elementary school recess when a queen bee decided I was the one to shun, I just started playing with the boys.

When I started  junior high and was suddenly informed that my friendships  would have to be primarily with girls, I understood why the change was necessary, but I wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead. It wasn’t long before I adjusted, learning to navigate and even enjoy some of the drama. But after a while,  it gave me headaches  and I retreated to the world of books, where I could pick up and put down the drama at my convenience.  By the time I entered high school I’d adjusted and figured out that my best line of defense was to keep my list of friends short.

Which brings me back to Facebook. What’s the point of a Facebook page with 5 friends on it? I can just call those few folks up on the telephone! Some of the loyal readers of this blog have become real life friends. That’s just the way I prefer to handle relationships. I’m too screwed up to build real relationships any other way. I know Facebook is a tool many people use for encouragement and ministry and I’m not knocking that at all. Facebook is really just an easily recognizable example of something useful that can be harmful if used unwisely.

As we raise our five daughters, we feel a burden to train them to be responsible, compassionate women who treat others the way they wish to be treated. Three of them are much closer to adulthood than childhood, and I need to teach and model for them the best ways to handle conflict when it occurs because males and females really do handle conflict much differently.

Girls tend to expand controversy, gather allies, and use gossip and rumors as weapons the way boys use their fists. The words can fly for an entire school years and many people get hurt. That’s what I remember, and according to my daughters things haven’t changed much. They’ve largely adopted their mama’s approach (which I’m not entirely comfortable with, for the record). They describe their closest friends as they’re sisters or cousins. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

Most girls aren’t as fortunate as mine to have  lots of sisters and female cousins being raised with the same values. Sadly as I’ve said here before, a woman doesn’t just wake up one day foolish. She was a foolish girl first, and this tendency to expand controversy continues for many right into adulthood.

I can think of few things I enjoy less than drama and gossip. Except for one thing: e-drama and gossip, where I don’t have the benefit of settling things up close and personal. My admittedly judgmental attitude about such things has always kept my number of close friends very small. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that all two of them are just as likely as I am to say they’re  wary of hanging around with too many other women.

That’s another one of the reasons I’ve avoided Facebook. I prefer real friends to virtual ones. It’s this same thing that keeps me off of forums. The only one I’ve ever been involved in was moderated by a sister whom I believe must be a kindred spirit because she didn’t tolerate that type of foolishness either. She was a rare gem.

One of the reasons I enjoy blogging is because we can discuss general principles in a public forum and agree, disagree, or agree to disagree, then move on. There seemed to be less propensity for drama to take root, because of the relative anonymity. Or so I thought. My often controversial stands have proven to be more of a lightning rod on occasions than I am prepared to deal with and I am in the process of rethinking what I am accomplishing here.

I am outspoken and assertive about my belief that we have allowed feminist ideology to infiltrate our churches, theology, and marriages to our detriment, but I try never to make it personal.  I firmly believe that what I’ve  witnessed is true in general, but I know that there are exceptions to every trend and underlying factors behind every person’s actions.

I could care less about feminists or secular egalitarian who post snarky rebuttals and comments. That comes with the territory when a woman stands up to say that the Bible’s order for marriage and family is the right way. I expect it. I might even go so far as to say I welcome it. It doesn’t deter me because I’ve seen enough to know that the Bible is true.

What I cannot stomach is fights with other believers. I know there are bloggers, writers, and preachers who feel called to stand up against heresy and confront ministries who twist the truth for their own ends. I respect and support their passionate stand for truth and I believe there is a place for such ministries in the church. I just don’t feel it’s my calling and I’m not interested in fighting with other Christians. Spirited debate I can handle. Personal attacks I’d rather not be bothered with, and the fact that it’s the Internet doesn’t change my position. Not only do I hate it, but it flies in the face of everything I’m attempting to teach my girls about avoiding unnecessary conflict.

I don’t have the mental energy available to brush off accusations and attacks. It’s why I’ve gone out of my way not to allow that kind of thing on my site. I’m politically incorrect, and I don’t apologize for that. I believe in what I write, but I try to speak the truth in love. I think my zeal may have fed my naivete. When things are personal to you, as this issue is to me,  it’s easy for that to happen.

I would like to say one thing to fellow believers.  There are clear directives in Scripture for handling a dispute with a brother or a sister. If you have a problem with someone, take it to them first. If you wouldn’t want the things you’re saying about them behind their backs to be said about you behind yours, shut your mouth (or back away from the keyboard). This is Biblical truth:

And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. Luke 6:31

It’s also a universal truism (for those not easily moved by Biblical truth):

“Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.”~ Socrates

It’s not as gratifying as heaping up a peanut gallery to agree with you, I know.

But that doesn’t make it right.

In part 2, we’ll discuss the ways we are training our girls, the example I try to set and the boundaries we have put in place to help them learn to handle hurt feelings and conflict in a godly, honorable way.

“Should You Be Eating That?” Pt. 2: Thoughts From the Rabbit Trails

Wednesday’s post  left me with a lot to think about, as I knew it would. And as usual, it’s the rabbit trails (otherwise known as thread derailment) that make the conversation interesting. Before I move on to other new and exciting subjects, I want to share a little of what occurred to me as I read your comments  because I think there are valuable observations yet to be made about this subject.

My first thought concerns whether or not our husbands concern about our health and fitness should automatically be interpreted as unfair criticism. This strikes me as odd, because wives frequently encourage one another to express their needs and desires to husbands, and to repeat the nag request until they “fall in line.” Surely it’s no coincidence that Proverbs repeatedly mentions the agony of living with a nagging wife.

However, it suddenly becomes “unfair criticism” when a husband expresses a desire for his wife to take better care of herself, particularly if this request means she needs to stop eating so much and hit the gym. His request is assumed to be based on something superficial, not worth making the effort required to honor it. Can you see the problem with this line of thinking? Why are wives’ needs viewed as more virtuous when weighed against the needs of husbands?

 Of course, in keeping with a husband’s responsibility to dwell with his wife in an understanding way, any discussion of this subject in particular, should be encouraging and supportive. That said, I really don’t have a problem with a man who wants his wife to make an attempt to get in shape. There’s nothing cruel or superficial about it.

I was asked another question in the comments section that caught me completely off-guard: Is my husband in the same shape physically that he was when we married? The answer is no, but it’s not something I give a lot of thought to because the physical changes haven’t made him less attractive to me in any way. If the bit of weight he’s gained was a health issue, I’m sure I’d be much more concerned, but he has yearly physical and he’s all good on the health front. I think it is worth noting at this point that men and women approach attractiveness in different ways. Men are much more visual than women are when it comes to sexual attractiveness. It’s an apples to oranges comparison in my opinion.

In general, my goal here was to remind wives that we are supposed to care. We spend so much time nurturing our own needs, feelings, and insecurities we forget that our husbands have needs, too. We are supposed to care about those needs, not be offended by them. We fail to recognize now often we take our husbands for granted, and when they call us on it, we get upset.

I read a book last year titled For Women Only. I highly recommend it because it offers a lot of insight into the way men think. Christian men and non-Christian men. Maybe reading what this author found in her interviews with about  a thousand of (mostly) many married men will drive home the point I’m trying to make however poorly I’m making it. A good review of it can be found at Amy’s.

Several of the commenters made the assertion that many women are sincerely trying to look their best for themselves and their husbands, but it is very hard and criticism does little to help. For the record, I know what that feels like. There were a few times when I was really making an effort and the lack of results caused my enthusiasm to wane. I get that. But more often than not, I was making half-hearted attempts accompanied more by talking about getting fit than actually doing anything to get fit. It’s amazing how easily we can convince ourselves that we’re doing our best when we’re actually doing nothing. Each woman has to decide for herself where she falls on that spectrum. If you’re doing more than talking then doing, don’t get mad at the husband for saying so.

About 6 years ago we went through a time in our marriage when communication was…difficult. Anyone who has been married for a while can attest that this is a reality of married life. There are good days and bad. If you’re fortunate, the good days overtake the bad hundreds of times over. We were having a stretch of bad days, when my husband said something to me that changed my perspective and I have spent the better part of the last 6 years guarding against ever making him feel that way again.

What he said was that I seemed to be far more concerned with what other people thought than what he thought. I went out of my way to do favors for other people when simple requests from him went undone for days. It hurt me to hear that, but it was true. The PTA, the ministry I was involved in at church, family members, you name it. It did seem that every thing and everyone else was a priority.

When I stopped to think about it, that was exactly what I’d done, and it was wrong. I turned on a dime, dropped out of much of what  I was involved in (it was emotionally draining anyway) ,  and alienated a good many female friends many married, who simply couldn’t appreciate that everything and anything moved to the back burner if my man needed something from me, period. To those who didn’t understand I said good riddance.

So yes, I’ m passionate about this because I believe the outright refusal to honor  a perfectly reasonable request from your husband is inexcusable. That’s my take on it. I want to be transparent enough to share the lessons I’ve learned. I don’t think the issue is somehow different or more difficult because it involves something challenging such as losing weight. Be willing to make sacrifices to be the wife your husband desires. You think I always enjoy drinking water when I’d prefer a Coke?

Oh, and if I start gaining weight back, I solemnly swear to confess right here.

Edited to add: I felt a sudden need to add  a link to an old post of mine, Wisdom From a Titus 2 Blogger. This is the only comfort I can offer to my sisters who think I’m attempting to squeeze women into a mold that I can’t even fit into. I’m not.

Also, I added a page to the blog for the benefit of making my intentions clear: The Target.

Y’all enjoy a worshipful, restful, family filled weekend!