Let’s Do the Modesty Thing From A Different Angle This Time

As we have gotten further into our discussions of Biblical womanhood, it occurred to me that so much of this is just theory and conjecture bandied back and forth on the Internet. Real life is messy, and few of us are able to walk out every aspect of our lives the way we sincerely want to because our lives are not just about us and what we think. We have husbands, children, brothers and sisters in our local church and the church universal to consider. We are to somehow, with all of our quirks, foibles, and convictions, find a way to coexist with unity and expressions of love for one another that immediately identify to those outside that we are children of the Most High. This is no small feat, as I’m sure we all agree.

This is why I want to attack the issue of modesty from an angle that interests me because frankly, I will never be convinced that there is a uniform required to accomplish the goal of modest dress. Neither will I be convinced that modesty tackled from the outside without a preponderance of the work taking place in the inside is worth anything at all. To that end, I’m interested in discussing the issue of modesty purely from the perspective of what modesty means.

This is the definition we’ll work from: Modesty

1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.

2. regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc.

3. simplicity; moderation.

When I got dressed for church on Sunday, my husband said I looked like an orange creamsicle. It was totally a compliment, by the way. He likes creamsicles. I was wearing a flowing white skirt, sufficient length to pass any modesty test, a mango colored top that covered what needed to be covered, and very large white earrings. My toes were painted to match said top, and my wedge sandals added 3 inches to my 5’9″ frame.

It’s spring, after all, and it felt like the perfect complement to the glorious day outside my window. I  also knew the husband would like it, and that there was nothing objectionable about the ensemble. I still feel that way, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I knew it was an outfit that would be noticed when I walked by. The question is: Was  it immodest to wear something so eye-catching?

By the definition above, you could say that I was immodest. I was not free from vanity, because I just knew I looked cute, though my aim was to look pretty for my husband. It’s  fine, in my opinion, for a woman to embrace her femininity by looking her best . It is a feminine, God-given characteristic, I believe for a woman to want to look and feel beautiful for herself, and especially for her husband.

My behavior, speech, and dress were decent, but I don’t know that a 5’9″ woman in 3-inch heels could be considered simple or moderate. But again, it depends on whose setting the standard for what is simple or moderate. Herein lies the rub. In my opinion, I was wearing a very simple outfit that was no fuss at all. Another person might have found it over the top. It is all very subjective, isn’t it?

This is why I get touchy when the subject of modesty is reduced to a  simplistic  argument such as wearing dresses only or not. Why I often refer to the ”modesty police” when I broach the subject. This is much more nuanced than dresses only. Or not. Long hair. Or not. Wearing make-up. Or not.  We all agree that a woman’s clothing should not be too tight, too short, or too few, out of deference to our brothers. We are believers. To dress in a way that obviously incites lustful thoughts in a world where we are being constantly bombarded with sexual images  is irresponsible at best and sinful at worst. After that, however, I think the issue should be left to a woman and her husband, or that woman and the Lord  if she is unmarried. This is certainly an important matter and I don’t want to diminish its importance.

As is the case on most matters, our view broadens or contracts in conjunction with our spiritual maturity and growth. I have gone from dressing in jeans 6 days a week to being in a skirt at least half the time.  This has been a part of the growth process for me as I feel compelled to dress in a way that speaks to my rejection of an increasingly androgynous  culture, and to encourage my daughters to do the same. Being an example for my kids was the ultimate reason I felt the need to change, and it’s also the reason I think I haven’t felt compelled to be dresses only, if that makes sense.

Modesty ultimately, is a state of our hearts that flows outwardly, reflecting our respect for The Savior, ourselves, our families, and our fellow believers enough to avoid being a stumbling block. In fact, by that definition, it is quite possible to be covered in an immense amount of cloth and be immodest in attitude, speech, and in pride as we dress in such a way to prove to everyone we meet how modest we are. We want them to note how righteous we are. Truly, He says, we will have received our reward. I have great respect for women who follow the Lord’s leading in this area, and I know that not everyone who feels convicted to wear dresses only or to cover their hair is self-righteous.  If  however, you believe that those of us who don’t are somehow less righteous, today would be an excellent day for self-examination.

That’s all I have to say for now about it.

On Being Quiverfull

When I was the young mother of three children born in the space of 12 months, uninterested in living according to what the Bible said about anything, I thought I was done having babies. After the exhaustion  of caring for three wee ones was gone, and sleep became a reality again, I happily threw myself into the care and raising of my children, never imagining I would have any more.

As the youngest of our three children were turning 10,   and I became attuned to the working of God in my life through experience and through His word,  He changed my heart. We have since been blessed with two more  children that none of us can imagine life without, and can hardly remember what life wa like before they came.

 An essential component of living according to the spirit rather than the flesh while being intellectually honest about the realities of life is cultivating a prayerful heart. Even more important when faced with an ever growing list of “you must do this to be holy”  requirements, is remembering that there is nothing we can do in our own strength to be acceptable God. And thank heaven for that!

After the birth of our youngest child I needed to come to terms with this truth as my husband and I, on the heels of what turned out to be a far more eventful delivery than we bargained for, wrestled with whether or not we should continue to do this. I shared his concerns. Of all my pregnancies, only the first was an easy one, free of complications, and not ending in a surgical delivery. No amount of prayer has ever helped me to shake the feeling of foreboding that nags at me every time I go into the hospital to deliver a baby.

I’ll get to the Scriptures, arguments, and reasonings tied to this topic in just a minute. Before I do that,  I want to lay all my cards on the table because I am not so foolish to believe that my personal history plays no part in the conclusions I’ve reached. When considering my own complicated pregnancies in conjunction with the fact that I was the last child born to a woman who did not leave the hospital alive after giving birth to me, I bring a ton of baggage to this debate. With all of my cards on the table, I will state my position on being quiver full and whether or not a married woman must embrace the lifestyle in order to live a Biblically sound life.

 Before I do that I think it  bears mentioning that when this subject is discussed among Christian women on the Internet, the desires of  a husband are often ignored as if it is solely the decision of a wife whether or not the family continues to grow. It is not, and we are to respect the wishes of our husbands on issues not related to blatant sin and righteousness, and let the Lord deal with them as He wills.

I believe with all my heart that the default position of any married couple should be to be open to children. Many children. I do not believe that bigger homes, college tuition rates, team sports, global warming, music lessons, designer clothes, and the ability to vacation yearly are reasons enough for Christian couples to  avoid having more than 2 children. I was grieved when I received comments tinged with disapproval masked in humor when I was pregnant with our youngest child.  At church! What has happened to us that we view children as anything less than the blessing that the Bible says they are? Let’s take a moment to examine what the Scripture says about children:

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed,  But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.Psalm 127:4-5

And again:

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, Your children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD. Psalm 128:2-4

The question of course becomes, who determines when the quiver is full? Or how many children does one need to have around his table to be considered blessed? The answer 50 years ago would have been The Lord, of course. He is the only one who can open the womb, and until technology hacked into our reproductive systems in the 1960′s, He was the only One who could close it. 

With the advent of hormonal  birth control, the power to control the number of children we give birth to was literally at our fingertips.  The Christian church at large initially rejected all unnatural forms of birth control . However,  just as the children of Israel allowed the ways of the surrounding people to infiltrate their lives and worship, it wasn’t long before the attitudes of the culture infiltrated  the church and we began to take control of the numbers of babies we welcomed into our families, even going so far as to ridicule couples who would declined to follow suit, who welcomed as many children as the Lord saw fit to give them.

It is this trend that confuses the issue for families like ours, whose considerations go far beyond convenience, cultural trends and material comfort. I am thankful for the medical advancements that have allowed me to give birth to five babies under circumstances that cost mothers in similar situations their lives just a few generations ago.

I have given a lot of thought to this in recent years. I have great respect for families who eschew birth control, trusting God in faith to provide for how ever many children He sees fit to bless them with. I pray that many more Christian families would reconsider this issue through the lens of Biblical truth and begin to make life affirming choices.

I have examined the words of believers who assert that quiver full is the only expression of genuine faith with regard to family size. I’m not sure that I disagree. And while I respect the women who profess that they would rather sacrifice their lives giving life to their child instead of  the alternative, part of me cringes because I have been the child left behind. Such statements sound as flippant to me as they do faithful because I know many of these women have no understanding of how difficult it is to be motherless as a young child. After much prayer, I have concluded that it is wholly acceptable for me to consider the lives of my existing children so long as my heart’s desire is to be open to life and children as much as possible.

 On the other side of the equation are Christian women who assert that  this is not a salvation issue (I agree),  so there is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple deciding to restrict their family size for any and all reasons. That it’s no one else’s business. I appreciate the principle of marital privacy, but I am also quite frankly disturbed with the  lone ranger mentality that has gripped the church. There is a place for accountability and discussing these issues of life among believers with whom we have a close, trusting relationship. Our  much celebrated American rugged individuality has no place in the life of the church.

Even if it were true that there is nothing wrong with restricting family size for arbitrary reasons, and I am far from convinced that it is true, we should run as fast as we can from worldly trends. And the denigration of children and family is among this culture’s most aggressive trends. We are supposed to be  salt and light. A city set on a hill. We can hardly live up to that standard while walking in lockstep agreement with every standard the world sets. If we do, our salt is good for nothing other than to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. Unfortunately,  it seems this is often exactly how we are received.

In the end, I have concluded that this issue isn’t nearly as black and white as we try to make it. It just occurred to me that I have offered nothing here to cut through the ambiguities on this subject, other than to interject my belief that ambiguities exist. What those are will be different from one couple to the next. As much as my heart wants to be quiver full, the realities of the life I live today, with the children I am blessed with now, makes it much easier to extol than do.

Submission, The Subject That Never Gets Old

In the second post of the series, I intimated that I would end this series of posts by contemplating whether a wife’s submission to her husband means she is never to challenge him in any way. However, it’s been on my mind of late, so I want to tackle it now. This has been a subject near and dear to my heart for several years because for many years I was outwardly submissive but inwardly a rebellious, passive aggressive, neurotic nightmare of a wife. Had I been married to a lesser man, I quite frankly, probably wouldn’t be married now.

This issue began to resonate within me over the past couple of days after I posted about how thankful I am that my husband has frankly, never bought into cultural dogma that elevates femininity as uniquely virtuous and masculinity as something to be tempered in exchange for getting in touch with his “feminine side.”  As such he feels no need to acquiesce to my every mood or automatically assume that if I am unhappy with him then he did something to deserve it. Love that isn’t honest, in his estimation, is not love. So when I am wrong and expect him to suffer it, he tells me. And he expects me to do the same for him, which brings me to where I am attempting to land before I take off down one of my customary rabbit trails. I believe the point we aim to discuss here is this one:

A Biblically submissive woman never challenges her husband in any way, instead taking any and all issues she may have concerning their relationship or his spiritual walk to God in prayer, trusting that the Lord will reveal to Him (in a dream or a vision or a something) what he needs to do to make his wife happy.

Longtime readers know that I am passionate about wifely submission. The Bible is clear on the subject, and I am often perplexed when believers feel compelled to insist that the subject is open to interpretation. I believe with all my heart that when a wife understands her position and willingly resides there, there is nothing her man won’t do to see that she is loved cherished, and cared for. I might add that her thoughts, opinions, and input are welcomed rather than resisted because he knows that she trusts him with her whole heart and is not jockeying with him for his place of authority. I literally can’t recall an instance in recent memory when my husband hasn’t asked for my input as it relates to issues facing our family. Often hearing my perspective has prompted him to see things from another angle and act accordingly. Submitting to my man has cost me nothing that I didn’t need to lose but has paid huge emotional and spiritual dividends.

It should be obvious at this point what my thoughts are on this, but I would add a few caveats because frankly, my marriage is one big caveat in many ways as it did not begin in a  godly fashion (the understatement of the century!)  and we did not get where we are today without some bumps and bruises along the way. There are things that we can learn from my mistakes that I think are very relevant to the discussion we are having, since the verse of Scripture that literally rescued my marriage is often misapplied by well-meaning Christian women and offered as advice to women for whom the shoe does not fit:

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,  when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 1 Peter 3: 1-2

This passage is one of my favorite because I can attest to its power as a matter of experience. Neither my husband or I were believers when we married. Well, I believed intellectually because I was raised to believe but my lifestyle and attitude provided ample evidence of my unregenerate state. We were a few years into our marriage when the Lord captured my attention and my heart. It was a few years after that when my husband came to faith.  It was not long after my conversion that the Holy Spirit began to show me how my salvation could be a blessing and a witness to my husband rather than a way to flagellate him and make him feel as if I thought I was now better than him because he was a sinner. For those interested in some constructive guidance born of experience, you can read my story here.

I cannot count the number of times I have heard this Scripture given to Christian women married to Christian men when there is an area in the relationship that needs to be addressed. “Win him without a word”, she is told. If he is a believer, than he has already been won, and as his wife and sister in the Lord, she has a responsibility to prayerfully, lovingly, and with great discernment help her husband in any areas he may need it. Certainly, there is a time for silence and prayer. I would never advise any women to become  what Proverbs describes as contentious and wearying. But for the wife of a man walking with the Lord, there is a middle ground and there is a context in which her voice needs to be heard.

Honestly, I hesitated to say this because we women are pre-programmed to be nags if we are not very careful to master our mouths and attitudes. We live in a culture where we have been raised from birth to believe that we are made of  ”sugar, spice, and everything nice”, while boys are made of “frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails.”  Every area of life, despite propaganda to the contrary, is aimed at what we want, need, and feel. Schools, businesses, advertising; we are catered to at every turn which is why we need to be oh-so-careful how and when we approach our men with any concerns we may have. We need to live up to a standard that gives our men reason to take what we say to heart and not translate our voices as just more incoherent nonsense. I like the way Proverbs 31 describes the way the husband of the virtuous wife thinks about her: The heart of her husband safely trusts her.

Think about that for a moment: The heart of her husband safely trusts her. I can recount almost to the day when I knew that I had overcome the damage I’d done to my marriage in its early years. When my husband felt his heart was safe with me and I could respectfully challenge  him without his wondering if I was sincerely concerned about him, or if I was motivated by self-interest and simply pretending to be concerned about him. Our husbands know the difference.

The Scriptures admonish us to examine and test ourselves to see if we are in the faith. This is also good advice for us to take to heart in our marriages. When we have done so, and have built (or rebuilt) the trust we need in our relationships, then we are ready to “one another” our husbands in the context of Scripture while always remembering our place:

“Therefore, putting away lying, “ Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another.” Ephesians 4:25

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.” Colossians 3:16

“Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.” 1 Thess. 5:11

Most important of all:

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35

All of this, for the wife however, when not filtered through the truth of the Biblical picture of marriage, will fall apart. For the Christian wife, when relating to our men, we need to start from the right position: One of submission and respect.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

See? I told you this subject never gets old.

 

Why I Am Not a Foodie

Finally, I am back to the Biblical Womanhood series. While I have taken quite a long detour the past couple of weeks, I want to finish what I started here, and by gosh, I aim to do it!

Awhile back I noted my newfound resolve to revamp our family’s eating habits after reading Nourishing Traditions and seeing the documentary, Food Inc. After the comments I received from you all, and taking a hard look at the grocery budget, I formulated what I called my plan of attack for getting us on the straight and narrow. I didn’t realize how big of an issue healthy eating had become on the Christian Mommy blogs until I wrote those posts and saw the responses. It was an eye-opener as I read links sent to me from readers to bloggers who were cutting back on their giving, in some cases eliminating it altogether, because their commitment to organic produce, pasture raised chickens and grass-fed beef was draining their pocket. Other women wrestled with guilt because their limited resources demanded that they eat the best food their families could afford, which is often far from the best food. It was as if for some,  healthy eating was an important matter of faith and stewardship of their temples and not just a best possible choice among many.

It got me to thinking about our eating habits to be sure. I mentioned before that we eat hot dogs. Not every day, or even every week, but often enough. Beans and wieners are a big hit with the under 4 set. That said, we eat pretty well overall, certainly better than research shows the average American eats. Every meal is accompanied with a fruit or veggie. Water is our beverage of choice. As much as possible, when I bake bread (often using my bread maker as I am what you might call a lazy baker), I try to use whole grain flour. But it’s hardly something that I am religious about. The only place that sells the brand of wheat flour I like to bake with is out of the way in an area of town I rarely travel to. So I buy whole wheat sandwich bread from the store and bake my rolls and such with white flour until I have occasion to pass by my local Whole Foods Market. We enjoy our crackers, bagged pretzels, and the kids take Yoplait yogurt in their lunch boxes. We are hardly food purists.

That said, rarely do we eat dinner when every dish isn’t made from scratch. Same with breakfast. And we’ve cut way back on potato chips, saving them for the occasional treat. That said, I fail to see what all the hoopla is about concerning what we eat when I compare the hype with the Scripture. Further, most of the things I do that are healthy are motivated as much by frugality as they are health, if not more so. It just makes more sense to cook from scratch. Do I believe we have a responsibility to eat as healthfully as possible? Yes. Do I think it’s wrong to eat junk food morning, noon, and night giving regard only to what tastes good? Yes, again. My very brief study of what goes into the foods we eat has certainly given me pause and driven me to spend more time in the kitchen rather than put so much pseudo-food into myself, my husband, and my kids.

Still, making a decision to do better as I learn more is a far cry from spending so much energy, time, and money in the kitchen that it consumes my life. When we can’t enjoy fellowship at the home of a friend and receive whatever is put before us with thanksgiving for fear of preservatives, we have a problem. When we further tell ourselves that this is how God would have us live and judge the family who eats hot dogs as if they are doing something immoral, we have crossed over to the dark side!

My contemplation of this topic led me to a few verses of Scripture, of course. None of which, on the surface, seem to relate directly to the matter at hand, but they certainly apply,at least loosely, when healthy eating is elevated to a spiritual or moral concern.

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” Matthew 6:25-27

While these verses are about God’s provision and an admonishment for us not to worry, they apply here for those who worry about affording the healthiest, purest, least processed foods in the market. If you can’t afford to pay $7 a gallon for minimally processed milk from the health food store, then prayerfully and thankfully drink the $3 gallon homogenized milk, trusting your family’s health to the Almighty. Worrying just strips additional health and peace anyway.

Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons,  speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron,  forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.  For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving;  for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. 1 Timothy 4:1-5

Please know it is not my intent to call my foodie friends hypocrites! My point here is to recognize how easy it is to take good thing, or even a godly thing, and elevate it to an issue of morality or faith. Health, modesty, frugality, stable families- these are all good things in themselves that we should all develop as we grow in grace. It is just far too easy, however, for we humans, and women in particular, to judge others based on the areas of life that we feel we have mastered. This of course, leaves an open door for envy, competition, and strife to set in because none of us has mastered all areas of life. With that I’ll leave with my conclusion on the matter.

I have a growing appreciation for my kitchen, and how what I do in it expresses love for this family God has graciously given me. I’ve come a long way from my early days as a bride when the extent of my culinary skills was spaghetti and meatballs or grilled cheese sandwiches. I’d still rather read a good book than cook, but I’ve come to enjoy much of my time in the kitchen. If you ever have occasion to eat dinner at my house, however, please be advised that I will not have spent $32 to serve you a pasture raised chicken.

Is Working Compatible With Biblical Womanhood? Pt. 2

In part one of this post, I started out by saying that I did not look forward to writing it. There is a reason for that, of course, and the reason is that I know many wives who work because they feel they absolutely must. In some cases,  it’s questionable, but in others, I have no doubt that these women are in situations where they need to help their husbands out.

My good friend Jamala, whom I spoke with yesterday, has given me permission to use her as a real life example of just such a woman, but before I get to her, I want to lay out some Scripture that I feel is relevant to the topic at hand. Despite the cries of many wonderful women much more eloquent than me, I do believe there are Biblical justifications for a wife to work a job outside of her home. Of course, and I’ve said this before, it would be better if she could earn that extra money from home, but sometimes the need is too great and too immediate to put off while a wife gets an enterprise off the ground. Before I go any further into the practical realities of many working wives, I think we should explore the Scriptures. The Bible is clear that a married woman is to be concerned about what pleases her husband:

There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction. 1 Cor. 7:34-35

The plain truth of the matter is that we live in an age where most people believe that two paychecks are necessary for a family to make it. We are the children of the feminist movement, the age of materialism, and the exponential rise in the cost of living that has emerged as a result of two-income family as the norm. There are good men who need their wives to help out, and good men who simply think they need their wives to help out. Whether it be the former or the latter,  the answer is the same: his wife is to submit to his leadership, not my ideals, however noble they might be.

The Scripture is also crystal clear about the nature of debt and our enslavement to it. Most young couples start their marriages with financial balance sheets loaded with debt. Besides the customary student loan debt, there is the debt associated with credit cards they used to live while in college, car loans, and on and on it often goes. The Bible requires that we pay back what we owe! If a wife is at home, and her husband doesn’t make enough money for them to pay back what they have borrowed, that is a serious problem:

The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives. Psalms 37:21

It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5

Do not be a man who strikes hands in pledge or puts up security for debts; if you lack the means to pay, your very bed will be snatched from under you. Proverbs 22:26-27

If her husband asks it of her, it is better for a wife to work temporarily, in my opinion, to pay off debt quickly so that she can come home eventually than to allow debt to linger indefinitely, robbing the family of the ability to give  and save for the future.

That last point brings me to my friend I mentioned earlier. She is a wonderful and godly woman with a compassionate and sweet spirit  light years beyond me. She has written on her blog about the large amount of debt that she and her husband brought to their new marriage two years ago. Less than a year into the marriage, they had a baby and she was at home. But the debt didn’t magically vanish because she came home. Her husband appreciated what her presence added to their home life, but working two jobs was taking a toll on him and it was painful for her to watch. After much prayer, soul-searching, and budget cutting, they realized that she would have to return to the workforce at least long enough for them to get out of debt so that when she comes home -and they do plan for her to come home- they can have room to breathe. God has been very gracious to them, providing her with a good job, working for a Christian boss with whom the family has deep history and who hired her enthusiastically even though she is having another baby this summer.  A door opened for them to have their child in the care of wonderful Christian people. It is not ideal, but their situation is less than ideal. In such cases, we have to ask God for the grace to help us do what we need to do in a way that honors our commitment to Him.

It would be easy for me, who had a marginal amount of debt and whose husband made enough money to pay it off without my needing to work, to sanctimoniously declare that it is sinful for wives to work based on Titus 2 alone, ignoring the call for a woman to submit to her own husband, and me to mine.  Ignoring the Scriptures warnings about debt and it’s admonishment that we owe no one anything. While I do believe that many of us could probably come home if we took a hard look at our finances and made some sacrifices, I cannot in good conscience say that it is wrong for all married women to work. I know too many for whom this is not a workable solution.

I will say this. I firmly believe, that in those cases where the need leaves no other option, we wives need to be good stewards, tame our habits and spending, and work with the goal of being able to return home as soon as possible. Too often the extra income becomes an excuse for extra spending and couples never get ahead, setting the stage for a lifetime where  children never know what it is  to be greeted by the loving arms of their mother at the end of the day.

For those couples who are able to pay off their debts, even at a snail’s pace, with just one income, I think that’s wonderful, and I commend them for their commitment to home and family even when it’s hard. I’ve been there, and am thankful that we were able to do it that way, even though it has taken some time. In the end, each family has to do what is best for them. I still believe, and probably always will that the family is best served when the guard is on her post, but I  know that for those who are doing their best, are honest with themselves about their situation and honoring God, they can rest easy knowing that they are safe under the shadow of The Almighty.

Time will not permit me to explore the subject of unemployed, underemployed, and disabled husbands or other limitations. Just know that I realize that this is not an issue as cut and dried as we sometimes make it seem. Whatever our situations, as believing wives our heart atitude is the most important factor.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way,  have a wonderful weekend, and stay tuned for the next post in the series:

The Biblical Woman in the Kitchen.

Is Working Compatible With Biblical Womanhood? Pt. 1

Without question, this is the post I have  looked forward to least in this series. What’s more, it will have to be a two-parter. So I’ll jump in with both feet, get it out of the way early, and let the conversation unfold as it wills. I thought it important to deal with the marriage question first to establish  that what may be permissible for the single woman can be problematic  for the married woman. We have the Scriptures from the preceding post  to verify the point.

I wanted to deal with this issue strictly from the standpoint of the married mother, since that is largely where the controversy lies. For those who embrace the stay at home daughter trend, I offer no opinion either way, except to say that openness to whatever the will of the Lord might be must trump current theological fads and trends. If your family feels God has led you in this direction, then follow that path. My own husband has expressed the sentiment of welcoming our daughters to remain with us until they marry. In the end, however, we feel that they must be free to follow God  and not us.  It is our job to provide the loving guidance they require. 

Even a cursory glance of Scripture dispels the notion the notion that the single woman is called to the same domestic centered life of the married woman. There is the most famous Biblical example, Ruth, who had to go out each day and glean so that she and Naomi could eat. Ruth was clearly a godly woman, yet she felt free to follow Naomi to this strange land and live with her in a home without male leadership. Ruth is a particularly relevant example given that 40% of children  in America are born to fatherless homes, and of those who are born to intact families, many will enter adulthood the products of fatherless homes. The implications of these trends are clear. There are many young women who love God and  have to support themselves somehow.

Even more relevant however, is Phoebe, whom Paul sent on a missionary journey to Rome. Whether or not she was accompanied by a husband, the Scripture doesn’t say, but she was clearly the emissary Paul chose to represent his interests to the Roman church.  And of course, there is the Scripture that we have highlighted before in 1 Corinthians 7, where the freedom to serve the Lord without distraction is offered as a blessing and a benefit to both women and men. Our daughter has asked if she can get a summer job as she will soon be 16 and legally permitted to do so. We have given our consent provided she is a good steward of what she earns (tithing, saving, wise purchases) and the job and  hours are compatible with the dynamic of our family life.  I learned valuable lessons about the value of a dollar and managing money as a 15-year-old because of my first job, at a daycare center a block from my home. It was also this experience that began to shape my ideas about the roles of wives and mothers, before I was ever concerned with the subject of Biblical womanhood.

Often we get into fruitless debates because we start out asking the wrong questions. Because we live in a world that is far from ideal, because many if not most newlyweds enter marriages with massive amounts of debt, usually college debt, and because the culture has long abandoned the truth of God’s word concerning the value of a woman keeping the home, I want to ask a different question. Rather than ask if it is God’s desire that women work, a question to which I  find no definitive  Scriptural answer that would apply to every woman, I would ask a different question:

Is it the will of God for His people to hire out the raising of our children to total strangers whose values may or may not be in keeping with those in His word?  This is a question I believe we can find definitive Scriptural answers  for.

I have spent a considerable amount of mental energy looking for a way to broach this subject apart from the oft-repeated Scripture passage in Titus 2, used as the catch-all mandate to demand that all women are called to be homemakers. There can be little doubt that much of what ails society increased sharply in response to women leaving the home and entering the workforce in masses. Divorce rates skyrocketed, illegitimacy  increased exponentially, and the trend of perpetual adolescence is accepted as a normal part of development. Psychiatrists have deemed this a biological certainty despite the fact that it is a fairly new trend. This passage in Romans 1 often springs to mind when I consider the culture in which we live, one where the promise of perfect egalitarianism has wrought a moral free for all, where anything is possible, everything is permissible, and our children are more lost than they have ever been:

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.  Professing to be wise, they became fools,  and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man…(Romans 1:20-23a)

Before I delve into the possible Scriptural justification a wife might  have for working outside of her home, and there are a few,  I want to address the issue in light of the question asked above for the consideration of those women who work for personal fulfillment or a more comfortable lifestyle, because I believe that this group encompasses a large portion of working wives and mothers, even in the church. I know this is true because I am constantly confronted with the objections of Christian women to the role of homemaker for reasons that have little to do with financial hardship. I want to wrap up this portion of the discussion with a few verses of Scripture concerning our God-ordained responsibility to our children, which is completely incompatible with leaving them in a facility during their youngest and most formative years with people we have little in common with and with whom we have very little real insight about what they believe and/or are capable of.

Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren. Deuteronomy 4:9

And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 

The rod and rebuke give wisdom, But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:16

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise:  “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4

Clearly God takes the proper care and training of the children He has blessed us with quite seriously. He has given the responsibility to us.  And yes, I noted that in the last Scripture passage the fathers have a job to do as well. Wives, however, are specifically called to keep (translated guard) the home and I submit that we should have very good and Scripturally sound reasons for abdicating our posts to enter the workforce.

In part 2,we’ll consider some of those possible reasons.

 

Singleness, Marriage and Biblical Womanhood

“I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.” 1 Timothy 5:14 KJV

“…that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” Titus 2:4-5

“But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.” 2 Cor. 7:32-35

So, which is it? Should the ambition of every woman be to the role of wife and mother? Or should we all take to heart Paul’s admonition in 1 Corinthians 7 and live a life free of encumbrance so that we serve the Lord without the distraction and cares of meeting the demands of a husband and family? In which capacity are we of most use to the Kingdom? Which is more obedient to the Word?

Online as well as off, I have observed that the dynamic tends to go something like this. Those of the more conservative, traditional mindset elevate the first two Scripture passages as God’s definitive word on what a woman should aspire to. Those with a more liberal, egalitarian view dismiss the former two verses in favor of the latter, giving women the freedom to blaze their own trail. I believe both views contain a  measure of error. As is often the case, the truth is more complex and will be different for each woman based on God’s individual plan for her life.

As the mother of 4 teenager daughters, I admit that I look forward in prayerful anticipation of grandchildren in the next decade or so. We pray for their potential future husbands. As a happily married wife and mother, I also admit my partiality to the perspective that elevates marriage as the ideal for all women. We are training our daughters for the possibility of life as wives and mothers and have encouraged them to embrace marriage as younger women and not postpone it for arbitrary or culture-driven reasons.

 Consider the words of our Heavenly Father  at the beginning of recorded history when He proclaimed that it was not good for the man (Adam) to be alone, and made a helper suitable for him, instituting the first marriage with the creation of Eve. There can be no mistaking that God approves of marriage or that the man who finds a (virtuous) wife finds a good thing.

We are called to be fruitful and multiply, which in God’s economy if not the culture’s, means marriage is  necessary for the continuation of the human race. That God in His kindness towards us designed procreation to be a pleasurable experience further underscores His approval of marriage for men and women. It is recognition of this fact of nature that inspires Paul, in Corinthians 7 before extolling the virtues of singleness, to free singles from any guilt they might feel if they desire to be married rather than devoting their entire life to the work of missionary ministry. He recognizes that singleness is in fact, a calling that not all share. But clearly, some have the gift just as we all have been given gifts:

I say therefore to the unmarried and the widows, It is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9.

Ephesians 5 describes marriage as a mystery, the relationship between a husband and wife as a picture of Christ and His bride, the church. Personal experience over the past 16 years has taught me that there are few, if  any, more valuable opportunities for learning to love selflessly and die to myself than in my role as a wife and mother. One would be hard-pressed, however, upon examination of the lives of Paul, and most importantly Jesus, to say that marriage is the only way that we can learn to love selflessly and grow in our spiritual walk.

There is ample Biblical support for the argument that young women should welcome and be open to the prospect of marriage. In fact, I believe that most should. Still, it would be foolish, given the Scripture’s admonition to remain content in whatever state we find ourselves, to miss where God may be leading us during the single years,  sitting  in a  holding pattern for something that may or may not be a part of God’s plan for us.  A focus on the things of the Lord during the single years will prepare young women better to be wives when (and if) the Lord sends a mate.

I would also point out that the above verse of scripture from 1 Timothy, which is held up by many as the definitive word on the calling of all women, is often pulled out of context. In fact, I posted it out of context! The passage of Scripture is actually referring to young widows, not all young women:

9Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old, having been the wife of one man, 10Well reported of for good works; if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work. 11But the younger widows refuse: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry;  12Having damnation, because they have cast off their first faith. ¹³And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

 14I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.

 This Scripture, in context, is not a command that all young women marry. Paul is noting that in many cases, a young widow, having experienced married life, will probably not choose to remain a widow and the church need not waste resources that would be better devoted to older widows who are truly widows and will remain as such. There is also a distinct difference between women in this passage, who have been married, and the virgin woman to whom he refers in 1 Corinthians 7. Given the blessings of singleness outlined there, it would be a contradiction for this Scripture to mean that every young woman must marry. Rather than creating rules for all women based on competing Scripture passages, we would do well to cultivate a heart that proclaims emphatically, “Be it done to me according to your will, O God.”

I generally cringe inwardly and groan audibly when I hear believers attempt to use time and culture arguments as justification for dismissing Biblical truth as irrelevant to today. But I think it bears mentioning that Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7, extolling the virtues of singleness for women as well as men, speaks to the elevated  position of women that Christianity provided. Jesus offered unprecedented respect, compassion and grace in His dealings with women, setting an example for the church to follow so that those women whom He has set aside for a work not devoted to rearing a family would be treated with the same value as those of us called to a domestically centered life. As the church has been partly complicit in the culture’s downplaying the importance of marriage,  some God-loving  people have gotten that message and postponed marriage for so long that it never happens. As long as they live a pure and godly life, I don’t see it as a violation of Scripture. Whatever our status, there is a place of value in it if we walk according to His will.

If that means marriage and family are a part of the equation, praise God for the opportunity to serve Him in this capacity. If it means that marriage and family are not a part of the equation, praise God for the freedom to serve Him in any way and in any place or time that He calls. We are in error if we take the position that the Bible sets the same path for every woman. Based on just the few verses we have explored here today, clearly that is not the case. Ultimately, the position of every believer should be the one expressed by the Apostle Paul:

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13.

Scenic Detour: What Type of Music Should the Biblical Woman Listen To?

I am gathering my thoughts, but more importantly, the Scriptures concerning whether or not the Bible says marriage is the calling of every  younger woman.  I hope to resume that conversation in a couple of days. Another topic  that emerged in the comments of the first posts has piqued my interest. This is loosely connected to the subject of legalism and Biblical Womanhood that we have been discussing of late.

While I don’t intend to delve into this topic in much detail, I happened to notice that my guest poster as well as a few commenters mentioned that along their journey they felt compelled to get rid of any and all contemporary Christian music because modern Christian music may not be, well, Christian. In particular, Tammy  mentioned that as she tailored her family’s music to more accurately reflect what is supposedly most acceptable for Christians, she realized that by definition they were purporting that anything not written by someone of European descent and/or at least 100 years ago was automatically questionable.

Please don’t misunderstand the direction I’m going in here because in our house, we’ve re-evaluated our music choices often in recent years as we have come to realize that not all music that claims to be “Christian” music is God- honoring or Christ-centered. However, that’s a far cry from insisting that only hymns written in the early 20th century or concertos written by Bach or Wagner are acceptable music for the believer to enjoy. We enjoy a diversity of music genres in our house encompassing everything from Jazz to Classical, hymns, and yes, contemporary Christian artists.

Because I enjoy reading in silence, I’ve never been inclined to put a music playlist on my blog. So I thought I’d share a clip of  a contemporary artist that we enjoy listening to. There are several factors that come into play with regard to the types of music we enjoy and why, including age, upbringing, ethnic background, and a  host of other factors. But saying that a particularly style of music doesn’t suit one’s taste is, or at least should be, wholly different from condemning said music as “unChristian.” We have two requirements for the Christian music we listen to. One, is that the music must be centered on worship of God rather than worship of man. That should go without saying, but more and more Christian artists are making music that, in my opinion purports to glorify God when in reality all the singer is doing is “praising” God for the good life he or she is enjoying. As if a life of trials is one void of inspiration to give praise to God. The second requirement is that the music be theologically sound. There is nothing like an old hymn to meet this requirement, which is why I love them.

One of my absolute favorite contemporary artists is Cece Winans. She is one of the few today whose music is pure worship and adoration for the Savior. She is becoming a rarity and with each new release I am relieved to hear that she has not gone the way of most other “Christian” artists. I’m sharing her video here.

Share any contemporary Christian  artists that you enjoy listening to.

Have a wonderfully blessed weekend!

Biblical Womanhood: What Exactly Does It Mean?

Until a few short years ago, if you asked me what it means to be a woman living according to Biblical standards, my answer would have been very short, covering three, and only three points:

1. A woman living according to Biblical standards has repented of her sins, accepting the gracious and undeserved gift of salvation offered to her by God in the person of His Son, Jesus, who died to take away the sins of the world.
2. She walks circumspectly, showing care to exercise modesty in demeanor, speech, and appearance.
3. She is daily striving to throw off the weight of sin which so easily besets us all. And while she often fall short, she knows that she has an Advocate, waiting with open arms to forgive her and cleanse her from all unrighteousness.

That was the sum total of what I understood Biblical Womanhood to be about.  I believed, then as now, that believers  need to live with intention, carefully weighing even the smallest decisions against the Word rather than being swept along with the tide of the culture. I believed, then as now, that this should be apparent in our lives to anyone who cares enough to examine them; that more often than not, our homes, families, and lifestyles should present a stark contrast with that of the world. How and what that looked like for each individual woman, though, I was unprepared to say.

In recent years however, I have come to learn that there are distinct markers of Biblical womanhood that should be evident in the life of every woman who claims the name of Christ. Any deviation from these litmus tests are a clear indication of  immaturity, lack of faith, or worst of all, an unregenerate spirit. Despite the fact that my study of Scripture and of the lives of godly women of old often differ from the Biblical Womanhood checklist that has come to set the standard for many believing women today, the list reads something like this:

1. A woman living according to Biblical standards is married, or desperately desires to be married.
2. A Biblical woman understands that woman was created for the home and does not, at any stage of life, work outside the home to generate an income.
3. A Biblical woman cooks all of her meals from scratch, for health reasons as well as evidence of her good stewardship of her husband’s  hard-earned resources. She grows as much of the family’s food as possible.
4. A Biblical woman adheres to the modesty dress code- long skirts and dresses only, long hair,  and no make up. Makeup’s intent is to deceive, and even shaving the legs may be indicative of the fact that her skirts are too short.
5. A Biblical woman homeschools her children, recognizing that even most Christian schools tend to fall far below the standards a diligent parent would tolerate.
6. A Biblical woman is quiver full. She does nothing to affect the size of her family trusting that God will open and close her womb as He so desires. (By the way- I have no problem with this view, except that it creates a real problem when hubby doesn’t agree).
7. A Biblical woman never challenges her husband in any way, instead taking any and all issues she may have concerning their relationship or his spiritual walk to God in prayer, trusting that the Lord will reveal to Him (in a dream or a vision or a something) what he needs to do to make his wife happy.

Please feel free to add to the list as you desire. My purpose is not to mock, but rather to take each of the seven points above, individually, and weigh them against the Scripture. Insomuch as any of them prove to be absolute as revealed in God’s word, I will admit as much and prayerfully make the changes I need to make to become a woman after the heart of God.

I hope you are inclined to stay with me over the next seven (at least) posts as it is my heart’s desire to inspire in myself, and other’s a shift towards grace and away from an attitude of judgment born out of our tendency to be wise in our own opinion, which the Scripture specifically warns us against:

Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Romans 12:16 NKJV

I look forward to our conversation, hopefully by Monday, as we examine, in light of Scripture, point number one:

The Biblical woman is either married or desirous of marriage.

Biblical Womanhood: What Does the Bible Have to Say About It?

Our recent lively conversation on the subject Biblical womanhood has ushered me onto a Scriptural quest for what the Bible has to say on the matter.  Not that I haven’t studied the subject before because I have, several times over the years, in fact. But from the beginnings of my entrance into the Christian mommy blogosphere, I have found myself  absent from both extreme ends of the spectrum on this subject.  The more conservative and hard-lined end which insists that the sole sphere of influence  and activity for  every woman is in the home has left me wanting. Is it possible that God intended for fully half the human race to do the exact same thing, while allowing for a richness of diversity among the other half?  The more liberal end, which insists that our freedom in Christ affords us the “right”  to follow our dreams and the desires of our hearts wherever they might lead, trusting that God will bless us along our self-directed way,  turns me off even more. The very thought of exercising my perceived “rights” before a holy and righteous God who gave His own Son to free me from my wretched, self-destructive self runs counter to the gracious and submissive posture I believe we are to take before the Almighty, perfectly loving Creator of the Universe.

Where does this leave us, you might ask, as I asked myself? It leaves me where I think it should leave all of us who love the Lord and desire to live a life pleasing to Him in every area of our lives. It leaves me prayerfully searching the Scripture while imploring Him, by His Spirit, to guide me into all Truth.

Because I firmly believe that the blog format does not lend itself well to the habit of being verbose, I ask the reader to journey with me over the next few posts as I share with you what I find as I search the Scripture on this important topic, not only for us as women, but for our daughters as they look to us for examples of what a godly woman should be. It is mportant for those with sons as you model for them what it is they should look for in a wife and partner for life.

I hope to explore this issue by looking at it from at least three angles, but I am certain that more will unfold as I continue to search the Word and as the conversation unfolds and our iron begins to sharpen each other. A few of the things I hope we can talk about:

• Is the path of the single woman necessarily the path of the married woman? This has, until recently seemed to be a matter fairly clear-cut, but in recent months I hae begun to wonder if I need to rethink my position in light of what the BIBLE has to say about it.
• Have we begun to go about establishing our own righteousness? In an honest attempt to live a life pleasing to God, have we created a measuring stick for righteousness that the Bible does not?
• Are we asking the right questions? Oftentimes we get bogged down in fruitless debates because we start out  from the wrong starting point.We will never get to the right answer if the very question is wrong or irrelevant.
• What roles did women play in the life and ministry of Jesus? What did Jesus have to say on the roles of women in the home?
• Modesty and what it looks like. Is it the same for every woman?

These are just a few of the subjects I ask you to prayerfully explore with me over the next several weeks. In the end, it is my sincere prayer that everyone who reads these posts, no matter what our convictions, can come away with a more tender heart toward those with us on this shared journey of faith as we try desperately to be women after His heart. There is such a richness of diversity among the people of God-in what stage we are in our walk of faith, our backgrounds, education, marital status and the like- that I do not expect, nor do I wish to avoid, disagreement. I do, however pray that when all is said and done,we can say that we lived up to the mandate of John 13:35,

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”