My Kids Saw the New Harry Potter Flick

I wonder how many people just deleted me from their reader on the heels of that confession! First of all, I’m not referring the little ones; the teenagers saw the movie.

In the interest of keeping it real however, I thought I’d share that because we are not completely culturally disconnected and I don’t want to pretend we are. I’d also like to unpack the rationale behind our permission for them to do so. The rationale was actually my husband’s because like most Christians, I started out with the typical reactionary, knee-jerk view that because the movie contained (“glorified”) witchcraft, it was evil and to be avoided. Never mind that there is no sex, no profanity, and good triumphing over evil is the theme of the story. It contained witchcraft!

My husband on the other hand, started out by asking a few questions: The first was totally tongue-in cheek, but it drove home the point he wanted to make: “When you were growing up, did you enjoy watching the re-runs of I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched ?” “Do you like The Wizard of Oz ?” My answer was yes to both  questions. The follow-up was, “Are you a witch?” I answered no. He asked why, and I said, “Because I was taught that witchcraft is wrong. I never once considered witchcraft acceptable.”

Even though I followed the logic, I still wasn’t convinced at first. Far from it, even though I’d never seen one of the films and none of the Christians I knew who criticized had seen one either. I was convinced that it was “just wrong” for a Christian to see these movies.

Until my attention was turned to the enthusiasm most believers, myself included, have for The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings trilogies. Two series which both were yes, authored by professed believers when they lived, but were also heavy on magic, symbolism, and witchcraft. Why were these okay but Harry Potter wasn’t? Was it simply because the author of the Harry Potter books is not a believer (that we know of)?

Maybe it was simply the fact that these books and movies are wildly popular, which should be an automatic red flag to the “serious” believer. With the exception of the Messianic overtones of the Lewis books, wasn’t the basic message the same, that good triumphs over evil? Was the” good wizard” in Lord of the Rings better than the “good wizard” in Harry Potter?

When the Twilight saga was all the rage, they quickly and decisively determined that it was an inappropriate book and movie series, and that they did not want any part of it. They decided this before I had any inkling what Twilight was and when I found out what it was, I was proud of the discernment they demonstrated. So was their father because we agreed that it something to be avoided. We allowed them to make the call for themselves in this instance and we have no regrets that we did.

Most importantly, our girls are 17 and 16.We’re not talking about 12-year-olds here. We have taught them right from wrong, about what is unacceptable and what is not. Are they not capable of making these decisions for themselves? They are fully able to discern the message of the film (that good triumphs over evil) while understanding that not everything the hero does is something they can or should emulate.

The answer to all of the above is a resounding yes. They love Jesus, and we have to trust them to discern His voice and make some of these decisions on their own. I often think Christians forget that we are not raising children. We are in fact raising future adults. Future adults who have to learn to think their own thoughts and walk their own walk.

Once I took the time to think it through critically rather just being religious about it, I had no reservations about their decision to see this film.

The Countdown

The countdown has begun. We got a notice from the high school’s “official photographer” that we need to make an appointment for Bright Eyes’ senior pictures. She has made her schedule for the fall and she’ll be spending the better part of her day not on the campus of her high school, but at the local college. She’ll be at high school two hours a day and has boldly announced that we should probably consider getting her a car so that my homeschooling schedule isn’t too upset by increasingly complex schedule.

And even though we knew this day was coming; and even though her plan is to live at home while she earns her undergraduate degree, we can’t help but be painfully aware of the fact that our family dynamic is about to change. It’s a joyful but disconcerting time for me. When did the little girl I carried next to me in a snuggly become the young woman driving my SUV, requesting something smaller to putt around in?

This is just the beginning of two years of this family’s transition because she has two siblings right behind her. In fact they’re all taking college classes this summer and SAM and I keep thinking: Where did the time go? I have come to terms with the fact that I have to let my girls go, but I don’t have to like it, do I?

We’re doing mental checklists of all the little lessons we forgot to teach. Is it too late for some of them? Is it still too soon for others? One lesson we’ve always felt a strong compulsion to drive home is this: Do not measure success by this culture’s standards. It would be one of the worst mistakes they could ever make.

I am proud of their academic accomplishments, and I think their acquiring of a college degree is perfectly acceptable, especially since they’ve chosen a route that is cost-effective and doesn’t amass a mountain of debt. Still, the idea that college and career is the only path to a successful and fulfilling life is wrong on so many levels I won’t even attempt to count the ways. If the numbers of depressed, unfulfilled, mean-spirited people in out midst is any indication, that life path leaves a great deal to be desired.

What if rather than finishing college, God sends one of my children to the mission field? What if He leads one of my daughters to a life of marriage and family when she is 20 rather than 30? As Christians our first responsibility is to God when guiding our children. They are His, not ours, and we should direct them to follow His leading, even if it means sacrificing the perks and conveniences of the culture.

A sacrifice, as described in scripture, must die. We must die to our own ways, plans, and desires if we are to be fully formed into the image of who God wants us to be. I’m still working on making this a reality in my life, so that by example  I can encourage my kids to do the same.

It’s an ongoing process, but right now I’m just savoring the moments. I  encourage you to do the same. The time really does pass quite quickly. The baby you’re rocking now will be the young man or woman asking for your car keys before you know it.

Why Romantic Movies May Be Bad For Marital Health

“If this sounds like a radically different view of marriage, it’s important to remember that the very concept of “romantic love,” which is so celebrated in movies, songs, and cheap paperbacks, was virtually unknown to the ancients. There were exceptions-one need merely read Sons of Songs, for instance- but taken as a whole, the concept that marriage should involve passion and fulfillment and excitement is a relatively recent development on the scale of human history, making its popular entry toward the end of the eleventh century”- Excerpt from the book  Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas

Given our culture’s aggressive insistence that a marriage sans romantic bliss is a marriage that should be discarded, it’s hard to imagine a time when people saw marriage as something deeper and more meaningful than fleeting feelings or romantic flights of fancy. When I first read the above quote, it hit me that we have elevated fleeting feelings and romantic flights of  fancy to the status of deep and meaningful. When the feelings go, so does the marriage. One wonders where we learned to cultivate such a shallow and disposable view of what used to be a solemn and sacred commitment.

Last weekend one of my daughters asked if we could rent the movie Letters to Juliet.  The longer I’ve been married, the more I found myself becoming leery of Holly wood’s version of romance. Romantic comedies in particular aren’t a good fit for me because I like comedies, and I like romance. The combination, when done well, can suck me in. I haven’t seen many done well. Besides marriage isn’t always romantic, or funny.  I’m still a romantic at heart though, so after a bit of recon to insure that the picture wasn’t objectionable, I went ahead and rented it.

It was clean movie, romantic in that sappy Hollywood sort of way, and stuck to the formula: Girl meets boy. At first she finds his personality objectionable but he grows on her. That doesn’t matter of course, since their budding attraction is complicated by one or both of them being already spoken for. Girl and boy part ways. She is confused and heartbroken. He is dejected. Girl loses the boyfriend (who was obviously objectionable, of course) that precluded her from exploring her feelings for her true love. But is it too late? Alas, it isn’t! *Surprise, Surprise* Boy professes his undying love complete with assurances that he will move across the Atlantic to be with her if he must. He strikes all the right notes in a perfect speech, the music crescendos, they kiss, and the credits roll. The end.

My girls ate it up. I kind of enjoyed it too. I would have enjoyed it more if I didn’t know that it’s this very kind of thing that has made far too many women mistakenly believe that we can expect this in real life. My girls and I have conversations about the difference between fantasy and reality. It’s important to do that from time to time because it seems far too many of us confuse the two and marriages suffer for it. I remember when I was susceptible to Hollywood’s formulaic romances and the unrealistic expectations they foster myself. As I searched my mental Rolodex for an example of what was considered a great romantic movie when I was younger, I remembered Jerry Maguire. Some of you may or may not remember the closing scene.

Anyway, I saw this movie back when it was released in 1996. At the time almost every young woman I knew thought that these were the most romantic 60 seconds ever captured on film. My friends, nieces and cousins were running around saying they wanted someone who’d say they completed him. I was already married then, but I was immature not to mention an unbeliever. I could never watch that movie now, nor do I recommend it. However, I still remember the final scene:

I find that somewhat trite now but it moved me back then. I may have even teared up. What can I say? I simply must point out the irony that Tom Cruise’s character makes this declaration of undying love in a room full of women in a support group who “hate men” for various reasons. I didn’t fully appreciate the implications of that back in 1996.

Hollywood romances have away of ratcheting up our expectations. We all have expectations. It’s a part of being human. Without expectations most of us if not all of us would have no reason to get up in the morning. When our expectations are set by things that have no basis in reality however, we can get into trouble because real life isn’t like the movies.

When I’d been dating SAM for a while he came to my apartment to pick me up. While waiting he took a closer look at my book shelf. Right next to Little Women and The Sun Also Rises, was a couple of cheap Janet Dailey paperbacks. I remember him telling me he didn’t think I was the type to read that kind of stuff. But here’s the kicker: He also asked if I thought “whatever we have here” was going to be anything like that. I assured him I didn’t, haven’t grown up with far too much reality in my life to expect what I read in fantasy books to ever resemble it. Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the stuff hadn’t subtly infiltrated my thinking. Of course it did.

The heart of the matter for the Christian of course, is that our lives aren’t supposed to be all about what makes us feel good. We’re commanded to love others as we love ourselves. To do unto others no less than what we would want them to do for us. In other words, stories like Eat, Pray, Love should repel us. Sadly, for far too many Christian women, they don’t.

Which brings us back to the quote I started this with from the book Sacred Marriage. For the believer, I can think of no other state that offers more opportunity to die to self on a daily basis than marriage. I’m tempted to offer motherhood as a parallel example, but I think marriage tops the list. For a man to love his wife as Christ loves the church and a woman to submit to her husband as unto the Lord is a daily exercise in self-denial. If there’s one lesson we rarely see preached in today’s culture, it’s the lesson of self-denial. Particularly to women.

We’re told that anything that requires we put the needs of others ahead of ourselves is oppressive. We’re admonished not to commit to marriage too young and not to “lose ourselves” in it when we do. To our own selves be true. Follow our hearts wherever they may lead. We only live once, after all. This all sounds great on the surface. Movies, songs, and cheap paperbacks present it to us in an appealing and beautiful package, but is destructive to the sense of maturity and commitment we need to be good wives.

Consider this my reminder to myself as well as the reader to take the sweet, sappy movies that I occasionally indulge with a grain of salt. I’m a wife. I have responsibilities. I keep fiction, which I still enjoy, in its proper place. Real romance built on a shared history, deep commitment, and without drama is much more satisfying anyway.

This post is part of Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.

Growing Up

I ran across some information a while ago that as a mom I found rather unsettling. If you’re familiar with the story of Peter Pan you know that he lived in Neverland, a magical place where childhood never ends. It seems that Neverland is no longer the stuff of fantasy. The medical and scientific community have concluded in recent years that adolescence-the final stage of childhood-ends at or around age 25. Yes, I said that 25 year-olds are now considered adolescents.

Given the progress and advancements of the last century it would stand to reason that this generation of young people would be better equipped to handle life and the responsibility of adulthood, not less. It’s obvious that somewhere along the way we took a wrong turn. The worst part is that rather than admit that our culture is failing to do an adequate job of raising our kids, we’ve deluded ourselves into believing that this current generation of adult kids remains so because of genetics.

60 years ago, when my grandmother-in-law married at the age of 17, she knew how to manage a household, handling far more than the average housewife of 2011. She had been taught by her mother how to cook, clean, sew, bake, garden and be an all around effective wife and mother. Her young husband had the knowledge and skill to build the home where they would raise their 10 children-with his own hands. I challenge you to find a twenty year old today who can balance a checkbook, let alone build a house and manage a household. There are exceptions I’m sure, but by and large we have a generation of young people who, like Peter Pan, simply refuse to grow up, and their parents are willing accomplices in this folly.

We have a populace that is more educated in terms of theory and technology, but without the practical skills required to manage the day to day affairs of life. We have a society of young people who go through life playing pretend versions of real life without actually living it.

With three children on the cusp of adulthood, this is an issue I’ve pondered quite a bit. My husband and I have our minds fairly settled on the reality that our girls will not be full-grown adults, capable of shouldering the level of responsibility that was expected of young men and women when our grandparents came of age, and we’re okay with that. We are in no mad rush to be done with parenting so that we can get on with “living our own lives.”

At the same time, the idea that our girls, at aged 21 or 22, would not be mature enough to handle some of the basic responsibilities required of adults doesn’t set well with us either. Both of us lost our mothers at young ages and know something of what it is to find ourselves navigating (out of necessity) the reality of handling life. Yes, we had our fathers, but our fathers, both good men, are both men who were largely invested in keeping us out of trouble and teaching us to swim in the sea of a world they viewed as hostile to young black people. In other words, we had to learn to “suck up” things that our mothers may have nurtured us through more gently.

Our goal is to attempt to raise capable young people who are free to grow and learn as they live their lives but who are also prepared to handle responsibility rather than expect their father and I to care for matters that they should be fully of capable of handling themselves. I’ve seen far too many parents intervening on behalf of  high school students who didn’t turn in assignments, failed tests, or missed deadlines rather than allow their kids to live with the results of their irresponsibility. This is a terrible precedent to set, and it lays the ground work for teaching our kids that bad decisions have no adverse consequences.

As a parent, I feel it is my duty to raise children who are able to accept responsibility, serve their fellow man, and view commitment as something to be embraced rather than feared and avoided. And while I am thankful for the progress and advancements of this generation, I think there is much we can learn from those who have gone before us. After all, truth and values are timeless.

Why I’ve Never Embraced Facebook, pt. 2

None of my daughters has a Facebook page or a MySpace page. Most of our closest friends and family are in close enough proximity that we don’t see the need for it. We feel the exact same way about phones with unlimited texting features. Still, that hasn’t completely shielded all of them from some of what takes place when teens are allowed free access to post whatever they want without supervision.

One of my girls found herself heading in a different direction from one of her closest friends as they went through middle school. Part of it was that we simply didn’t allow our kids to hang out at the popular Friday night hangout spot so my girls were disconnected from a lot of their school’s culture. Additionally, my daughter wasn’t interested in the things that many other 12 and 13-year-old girls were becoming interested in. This made her a target on My Space of girls who thought she needed to be taken down a peg or two. The incident passed quickly because my daughter wasn’t able to respond in kind.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is attempt to explain to my daughter that in life there will be people who hate you even if you’ve never done anything to harm them. How do you tell a kid that their very presence, lifestyle and beliefs will cause an irrational contempt to take root in the hearts of people they thought were their friends?  I’ve never figured out exactly how to do it. We just try to create a safe place for them at home where they can be themselves warts and all.

We have found that the best way to handle much of the technology issue with our kids is to skip it altogether. When in doubt, don’t. My oldest thinks she might the only 16-year-old at her school without a Facebook page, but she has peace with it. She’s heard so much about what can go wrong with it that she doesn’t mind at all. We trust our kids to handle themselves appropriately online, but even the best of us makes mistakes, so we decided it’s best just to skip it.

Another thing we have decided to skip is cell phones with unlimited texting features for the girls. They can send text messages from their phone but there is a fee per text. That pretty much limits texts to those necessary to convey important information. This system works well for us, and it eliminates the back and forth texting that can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings.

It is often said that experience is the best teacher, and in some cases it is. I just happen to believe that others’ experiences can be just as educational as our own. As I have listened to other mothers complain about their teens and Facebook or MySpace, I’ve learned that young people, and often even older people, throw caution aside when they take to the keyboard. Boys are receiving risque photos of girls via their telephones, and children have committed suicide because they can’t handle the pressure of having their character maligned and their name trashed for the entire world to see. While I realize that this can happen even if the child doesn’t have a Facebook or MySpace page, I believe it’s markedly worse if they have access to the information, reading it day after day or having it sent to them personally.

You might be wondering at this point: Well, what are your kids allowed to do? My girls have email.  I do have their passwords and access to their emails, but I almost never  read their emails. I haven’t felt a need to do so. They have a cell phone but they only use it when they are away from home. Their friends are required to call the main number to our house and they are required to use our home phone for making calls to their friends. Cell phones are for a specific use and we are teaching them to use them accordingly. I know that not everyone has a land line phone, but we do.

In the last post I mentioned that my girls have largely adopted my approach to friends and relationships, and that I’m not entirely comfortable with it. They hold most people loosely, at arm’s length. They’re kind, courteous and social, but their guard is up around most people they aren’t related to, just like their mama. I have a wide social circle, but my inner circle of friends consists of two people, maybe three. Frankly, I hate that I’ve done that to them, taught them that people can’t be trusted.

Only one of my girls has developed a close friendship with a lovely Christian girl where she is relatively unguarded and I am thankful for that. The twins (15) consider each other best friends. I am attempting to be more open to friendships with people rather than approaching everyone with smile on my lips and armor over my heart. Still, the best way to accomplish that is up close and personal, and not via electronic devices. I just don’t believe God designed us to interact that way exclusively.

As it is becoming increasingly common for more and more people to have almost no deep, uplifting relationships with real flesh and blood human beings, I want my children to appreciate the value of good friends. I do have a couple and they know how much we mean to one another. They appreciate the relationship between their father and I as well.

There was a song that was popular a few years before I was even born, but Motown classics could be heard in our house a lot when I was a kid. Secret Agent Man and I still enjoy old Temptations songs every once in a while. Anyway, I remember my big sister playing a record by Marvin Gaye called Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing. I recalled the lyrics just now as I was wrapping up this post.

I’m not sure what it says about my spirituality that the chorus of 60′s Motown songs play in my head from time to time, but this is one instance where I think it may be appropriate. I will always teach my girls to use discretion when deciding whom they will allow into their lives, but I am learning to be more open and teaching them to do the same.

But up close and personal, not via the Internet.

Monday Musings:The Anti-Feminist, Politically Incorrect Edition

I had several posts in draft that sat unpublished because they have the potential to be controversial and I’m not in much of a fighting mood of late. However, since I am taking a hiatus to prepare for the holidays, clean upholstery and closets, and enjoy some quality time with Secret Agent Man over the next couple of months,  I will make my bold pronouncements, defend them over the next few days, then wish you all a blessed holiday season and  a happy New Year:

~Codified Female Irresponsibility and Immorality: If there is a short, succinct way for me to describe why feminism makes my skin crawl, that would be it. We have taken women’s immorality and irresponsibility, deemed it holy and enshrined it as the law of the land, while continuing to hold men to the  higher standards of generations past. We punish men for their immoral behavior while excusing women’s as if they are children. 

I thought feminism bothered me because of the perpetual victimhood, since I am equally turned off when minorities claim perpetual victimhood regardless of their choices. It’s different however, when it comes to women because we can use poor judgment and make immoral choices then have the law back us up. Blacks and other ethnic minorities don’t even enjoy that luxury, even after all of the legal gains of the past 50 years. Check the prison stats if you doubt me.

A woman can abort a baby whether the father wants his child or not. She can sue him for 18 years of child support whether he wants to be a father or not. Women can kill their husbands, claim battered woman syndrome, and get off  even if there is no past evidence of abuse. Never mind that the accused abuser is dead and unable to defend himself. Mary Winkler is just one example among far too many. I have a book to recommend for those who doubt my assertions:

~The Myth of Male Power: For my sisters who continue to stubbornly cling to the belief that feminism is a benign movement devoted to female equality and not female supremacy, I highly recommend this book by Warren Farrell, the first man to sit on the board of the National Organization for Women. In other words, this is not some patriarchy-obsessed preacher trying to keep women in their place. I don’t even think he’s a believer. I didn’t agree with everything in the book because I believe that the God-created differences between men and women shouldn’t be summarily dismissed with psyco-babble  when discussing these issues. Men and women do have gender-specific strengths and weaknesses and we shouldn’t try and create a world where that isn’t acknowledged for a pseudo-equality that will never truly exist. Our differences complement each other. However, the fact that Mr. Farrell is able to show the blatant injustice and hypocrisy of the feminist movement using facts and verifiable data  makes this book resonate even if you don’t agree with all of his conclusions. In other words, you don’t need to be religious to see the problem here. You just need to be willing to look objectively.

~I support reproductive equality for men: I have come full circle with respect to my thoughts on Roe vs. Wade ever being overturned. It probably won’t. Even if it is,  abortion will remain legal in most states with few restrictions. I will always vote pro-life, but there is something we can do now to ensure true justice and reduce the numbers of abortions. It ain’t politically correct, but we can save some babies rather than none waiting for an ideal outcome we may never get in a nation with laws increasingly hostile to what we believe. We should do what’s doable, which means discouraging out-of-wedlock pregnancies to begin with. You can know if you’re truly interested in equality by your reaction to what I’m about to suggest next.

Give men the equal right to choose or not choose fatherhood along with all corresponding responsibility and rights. Women would be in same position as women generations prior knowing they have no legal right to a man’s livelihood without prior agreement that he wants or at least expects to be a father, with all the legal rights as well as responsibilities it entails. Marriage used to serve that function and should again. Actually, women wouldn’t be in exactly the same position as women in prior generations, because they can still avail themselves of the numerous birth control options available. In a few years’ time, out-of-wedlock pregnancies would decrease along with a corresponding drop in the number of abortions. Besides, it’s the right thing to do legally according to  laws of the land as outlined in the 14th Amendment. I am not saying that men should be able to force women to have abortions. In fact, I’m saying just the opposite.

~I thought this video was very interesting: I ask in advance that you disregard the caption at the top, because it’s irrelevant. That a mainstream, Oscar-winning female celebrity would endorse  marriage where the husband leads and the wife submits isn’t something you hear every day.  I didn’t embed because the views are expressed in an unChristian tone, though nothing vulgar or over the top when discussing marriage.

I’ve said here before that I have no expectation that unbelievers would or even should adhere to the Biblical commands concerning marriage and family, but  this is an sure sign that anyone can see that something is terribly wrong with our families.I hope I’ve shed light on why I feel the way I do about feminism.

Scripture says in Romans 1 that God’s attributes are clearly seen in nature, and that our deliberate rejection of God and His ways leads to a moral abyss that we cannot climb out of apart from Him. We’ve chosen to worship a God made in our own image and the results, if not the true solution are apparent to all who dare to look, believers and non-believers alike. 

More and more people are looking at the landscape and figuring out that marriage interdependence with different responsibilities don’t give one person power over another, but free each partner in a marriage to maximize their potential to love and work together as a team. Most men are not and never were as powerful as we have been brainwashed to believe anyway.

Women were duped into equating the drudgery of employment with power, even though most men will tell you they feel anything but powerful breaking their backs every day (literally or figuratively) to bring home the bacon. This really isn’t about whether women work or not, though my feelings on that subject are well-documented. They have evolved a bit since I believe that what the husband of the family decides works best for the family is what matters, not my opinion no matter how passionate.

It’s about blossoming in our God-ordained positions within our families, which may or may not include paid work, but definitely includes submission to and respect for our husbands. This means not bad-mouthing them, not killing them, and not trying to pass off children conceived through illicit affairs as theirs and demanding court-ordered child support, among other things.  Christians should not be supportive of a system that not only allows such injustice to flourish, but rewards it. If we can’t agree on that, then I don’t know what more I can say. But fair warning: I will continue to say it!

I am blessed to know good women who love their husbands and children and understand how this unrestricted choice on the part of women alone harms men, children and families.  Many of you who read here are excellent women, godly wives, and devoted mothers. Still, I find myself dismayed that Christian women don’t appreciate what all of this means for their sons and daughters, their brothers, even their husbands. Lest we think our children are automatically immune from the problems because we are raising them in Christian homes, let me remind you that Matthew Winkler was a preacher whose alleged abuse has still never been proven, when his wife shot him in the back, served 60 days in jail, and retained custody of their children. We need to be willing to first see, and then speak, the truth. That starts with understanding that we have been fed a steady diet of lies for the past 40 years. Women collectively haven’t had it nearly as bad as we’ve been told. At least we’ve not had it any worse than men.

End rant.

Holiday greetings to everyone who reads this!  

Enjoy a blessed Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, and a Happy and Prosperous New Year.

See y’all next year.

How I Raise My Kids Is Not Just MY Business

 Sheila opened up a can of worms recently when she tackled the subject of young children in daycare, so much so that she followed up with a clarification of her thoughts for the sake of understanding. She did so without backing down, and for that I admired her courage.

This post is not about daycare. You can breathe easy, ladies! Sheila did a great job of expressing much of what I think in her two posts and I have no desire to re-open that discussion. It’s just that reading her posts and the ensuing comments got me to thinking about parenting in general, and how our parenting really isn’t just about us and our kids. How I parent my kids is certainly my responsibility, but it is everybody’s business because the world has to live with the finished product when my kids leave the nest. And the same goes for when your kids leave the nest. You will never hear me utter the words: “How I raise my kids is MY business!”

We all know instinctively that this is true. It’s why people ask where the parents were when young boys and girls are arrested for various crimes, or when young girls are attacked during the wee hours when we would demand that our daughter be in bed. We recognize that laissez fare parenting and lack of supervision allow seeds of trouble to take root.

As these thoughts began to emerge, it occurred to me that this goes much deeper than whether we produce law-abiding citizens. While the kid who stole my dad’s car from the church parking lot on a  school night  a few years back is an easy target to aim at when looking for examples of bad parenting, there are other, more subtle ways that our lack of focus when we parent our children affects society.

An ongoing conversation I find myself having with parents traveling in tandem with me as we navigate the years between young adulthood and full adulthood, commonly referred to as the teenage years, is the one of scheduling. While my children are involved in some activities (we are in the busy band season right now, in fact), I have taken a pretty firm stand against allowing them to be overly committed with respect to extracurriculars, and many parents fail to see why I am so “rigid” on this point. Rigid is our stand that they can each have one season which requires after school activity more than twice a week. The reasoning is two-fold.

The first is this. While I understand the need for young adults to begin to branch out and learn to navigate the world around them, I don’t believe this can be accomplished successfully by immersing themselves in the world at large while completely severing the tether to the family that loves them the most and has their best interest at heart. But this is the approach many parents take. The line of thinking goes something like this:  ”Well, they’re teenagers, they’re supposed to pull away”. While I do believe they should  be increasingly making their own decisions, I do NOT believe that young people are supposed to “pull away” from their families. Nursing homes are full of parents who prematurely pushed their children out of the nest under the guise of letting them soar while they relished their freedom from the drudgery of parenting. The kids, unfortunately, soared away and never looked back.

The second line of thinking governing why we don’t give our children free rein to get involved in any and every thing that comes down the pike might seem selfish at first, but when you think about it, it actually helps curb a selfish attitude in the children. And it’s this: I am NOT spending all of my weekday afternoons and evenings sitting in traffic in my gas guzzling SUV. I am a mother not a chauffeur. 

Further, what do I teach my children when I allow them to think that my time, my very life, is to be structured around their hobbies, their interests, and their schedules? That all of our disposable income such as it is,  is to be spent on the things that interest them or on gas to take them to do the things that interest them? Is it any wonder that even the “good” Christian kids that are coming of age show very little concern for the less fortunate and the interests of others? Why should they when parents have taught them that life is all about them?

This is why I implore you to understand that how we raise our kids matters to the rest of the world. If they never have to clean up their own messes as children, they won’t expect to as adults. Bailouts, anyone? If they are taught that life revolves around them and what they want, is it any surprise that we have a generation of young people (and old, for that matter) who flock to the polls to vote for the candidate who promises them the most goodies without having to put in any sweat equity because they can simply take it from the ones who do, same as they did when they were youngsters?

If we don’t teach them to commit to master the first skill they put their hands and our money into rather than drop it when they lose interest  and move on to something more exciting, is it any wonder that they spend 5 years and $75,ooo (of your money, +interest) to obtain a college degree just to enter a totally different career field while you get stuck with the bill? If we allow them to enter the dating scene promptly upon entering high school at 14-years-old, taking up with a new boyfriend or girlfriend every semester, can we really express genuine surprise when they don’t take their marriage vows seriously, especially if we don’t?

All of these seemingly minor parenting issues translate into big problems for society as a whole when we don’t recognize that what we do as parents matters not just to us and to our children, but to every one they come in contact with. The selfishness which permeates this culture, even the church, is palpable. And unbiblical, I might add (see Philippians 2:1-4).

If I was only concerned with whether or not my kids avoided jail time, got knocked up, or having gainful employment, then the typical “good parenting” paradigm might suffice. You must know what I refer to when I say the typical “good parenting” paradigm, but for the sake of those who don’t, I’ll offer a brief snippet.

From the time the baby is born the typical good parent is so enamored with how much of an adorable little miracle their child is, they pull out all the stops to keep  the child happy. They laugh rather than reprimand (dare I use the dreaded S word: spank?) when their two-year-old calls daddy a “stupid poo-poo head”. They dutifully pick up the toys off of Junior’s bedroom floor every day because he moves too slowly and whines about it anyway. It’s easier to handle it themselves and move on. About age five, the activity wheel starts spinning. Kindergarten all day, soccer on Mondays and Wednesdays, music lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and games on Saturday. On Sunday, there’s children’s church/youth group. Dinner in the car after a trip through the drive through is commonplace on weeknights. Most family interactions take place in the car. Despite the nagging voice is telling Mom that this cannot be a healthy (literally or figuratively), we’ve bought into the idea that a crazy schedule is best for the kids. They need to be kept busy and stimulated.

Side bar: I have found that the more overstimulated and busy I am, the harder it is for me to settle my mind, focus, and pray. Are we training our kids to be perpetually unable to seek the Lord?

This pace keeps up pretty much non-stop for the next 12 years. The only thing that changes is the specific activity based on what Junior or Suzy takes an interest in from one year to the next. There’s the occasional volunteer work that gets squeezed in as well because the college application needs to appear “well-rounded.” In the end, we’ve raised kids for whom every thing is about them. all. the. time. Then we look around and wonder how on earth we have ended up with the society we have.

It’s not just “those people”. You know those poor people, those single mothers, those undesirables, that have raised their kids wrongly and helped to dig us into the hole we are now looking up out of in disbelief.

The typical “good parenting” paradigm has failed miserably. I for one, will do my part by raising kids who understand that life is not all about them. I will do that because I realize that the kind of people I turn out in society effects your life, too.

It’s an uphill battle some days, as Tracey so eloquently expressed recently. But it’s also one filled with laughter, good times, and joy. When I reach the end of this journey I want to have done right by my children and risen to the challenge of this awesome responsibility. My accountability reaches far beyond my own front door, into the world, and even into eternity.

Monday’s Musings

It’s Monday,  let’s muse:

• I simply must highlight this recent post by JulieMom. It’s over on my Delicious links list, but it bears mentioning here for those who haven’t seen it. She explores the church trend of attempting to be “culturally relevant.” If you haven’t read it, go take a look.
• Old stereotypes die very hard.  I read this little snippet where Rod Blagojevich (why is this guy newsworthy?) says President Obama is “henpecked.” Frankly, I could care less about it, and the person who sent me the link sent it not because of the article, but because of the comments. The stereotype of the domineering, angry black woman was front and center. I resent the implication, for obvious reasons. This is America 2010, and there is no shortage of henpecked men or bossy women. And it has absolutely nothing to do with race or ethnicity. A wife either submits to her husband or not. I have repeatedly been questioned, as has my husband, about why I defer to him and how he gets his wife “to behave” the way he does. Even Christian folk have a hard time believing that Biblical marriage stands on its own merits, no manipulation required.
• Cooking school update: My girls and I are having some great times in the kitchen, and they are learning a lot. One of my twins has fairly well mastered our favorite hamburger bun recipe, which I picked up from Diane. They’re so good I don’t even buy buns anymore. Bright Eyes baked and decorated the twins’ birthday cake and did a pretty good job. Each night of the week, one of the girls prepares dinner using a recipe of her choosing and I offer supervision and support.  They also help me with pantry cooking and menu planning. Things are going well.
• Shaking off the summertime slump: I am that homemaker who must have a list and a plan to be productive, and as my school year schedule doesn’t work as well in the summer, I have been far less productive the past couple of weeks. I’ve had to work out a new schedule, and I’m gonna hit the ground running this morning. Between daily chores, a sewing project, and a garage that desperately needs purging (the big girls are doing most of the work to earn some extra cash), I have a lot to tackle. I’m still perfecting the schedule, but maybe I’ll post it soon.
• On the fitness front: Things are going well. I have made a major decision. No more refined sugar, period. At least for the next couple of months and possibly forever. For a good baker like myself, married to a guy with a wicked sweet tooth, this is a big deal. My kids are already begging me to wait until after my 39th birthday (right around the corner!) since they usually present me with a decadent chocolate cake. But I figure there’s no need to wait. When they see me pass up birthday cake, they’ll know I mean business! I’m not sure if it’ll be too much of a disappointment to them. Thoughts?
• What’s Cooking: The plan is to eventually have about 70% meatless meals, but I need to use the meat on hand in the freezer, as well as be very diligent to find good recipes. Sweetie pie (2) is quite the carnivore and any vegetarian meal I put before her has to be tasty. I have 2 vegetarian dishes, and one with fish as the main course. Here’s the menu. (all rice is brown, all pasta whole wheat)
• Sunday: Broiled Tilapia Parmesan, Baked sweet potatoes, steamed green beans, Parker house rolls.
• Monday: (Bright Eye’s Birthday meal) Orange Chicken w/brown rice, stir-fry spinach w/garlic,  and peanut butter pie instead of  a birthday cake. 
• Tuesday: Spinach-Cheddar Quiche, Mixed Greens salad
• Wednesday: Chicken pot pie w/biscuit topping, sautéed cabbage
• Thursday: Portobello Penne, steamed broccoli
• Friday: Grilled Tuna melts w/ baked breaded onion rings
• Saturday: Spanish rice bake, corn, tomato and black bean side dish.

Tips for great meatless main dishes are solicited and welcomed.

Happy Monday, all!

On Practicing What I Preach

You ever have those days when it seems like you have more to get done than you could ever hope to accomplish? We had one of those days recently. It’s that time of year when it seems everything is up for renewal, or yearly payment is due, or  doctor’s appointments need to be made, and on and on it goes. Early summer can be particularly hectic for us.

Recently my husband and I were in the thick of checking dates, organizing info, writing checks, etc. All while tending to the normal duties in a house with toddlers (ages 3 and 2) on the loose. There were several items he had reminded me to attend to ( he was doing paperwork of his own for work)  and I was going down the list. Though apparently not fast enough!

Him: “Have you taken care of XYZ yet?”

Me: “No, I haven’t done it. I was in the middle of finding the paper work you asked me to finish concerning ABC, when I needed to attend to Sweetie Pie. I’ll get to it in a bit.”

Him, with a tone: “I thought you would have been done with that by now. Don’t forget about it.” 

Me: Silence.

While I’ve often waxed eloquent about my love for my husband, it is not because he’s perfect. I’m not always a  joy to live with, either!

I have learned to appreciate the value of silence when I cannot be sure that what I am going to say next will be received the way I intend or more importantly, in a way that God will be pleased with. So I took a deep breath and told myself the thing I tell my children to do when they are tempted to engage in fruitless arguments with one another: Let it go.

And I did let it go, except that I didn’t. It stayed with me because I felt as if I’d been wronged, misunderstood. As I got dressed, my mind rehearsed all the ways that I could broach the subject, vindicate myself and wrangle an apology out my husband-  in a godly manner, of course!

Then the Holy Spirit did what He does best: brings things to our remembrance. Usually His word, and that’s exactly what happened in this case. This Scripture came to me:

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;  does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;  does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

It’s what I tell my children: if you realize that your sister is under a bit of pressure and she speaks out of turn, even if she is wrong, extend her some grace and let. it. go.

So much easier said than done!

Am I saying that we shouldn’t confront sin or hold those we love accountable for their behavior? No, and I would appreciate it if this isn’t taken that way.

Am I saying that we shouldn’t confront sin or hold those we love accountable for their behavior? No, and I would appreciate it if this isn’t taken that way. Oh, and that wasn’t a typo. I meant to say it twice!

What I am saying is that in our seemingly ceaseless quest to stake claim to our rights and keep others from trampling over us, we need to remember that as believers, we are not called to do that. That’s the world’s way of doing things, and it’s driven primarily by fear. We’re a family. We don’t deal with each other from a place of self-seeking and fearfulness. More often than not, I have found that countering these things with silence usually gives the offender an opportunity to reflect on their behavior, and an apology is offered, with no prompting from me. I’ve witnessed this in the interactions between my children as well.

More importantly, it is imperative that I practice what I preach.

The rest of the day things were well between my Prince and me. Things might have been very different had I decided  to defend my “rights”.

Enjoy a restful worshipful weekend!

Flour Obsolete, and Other Kitchen Stuff

Something was recently brought to my attention. It seems obvious now, but I didn’t recognize it before due to the generous amount of flour I use in a  typical week: bread flour, all purpose flour, and whole wheat flour, not to mention corn meal, which I realize is actually not flour. But we like our corn bread around here. Do you know that a large percentage of women (people in general) NEVER buy flour? Well I think it’s true, though I only learned it recently.

Bright Eyes (15)  had occasion to spend some time visiting with a  school friend at her house. (Side note: this particular friend,  a delightful girl whom the Lord saved partly through Bright Eyes’ witnessing and prayers, is a wonderful reminder to me of  God’s grace even in the most unlikely environment of a public high school.) Anyway, while visiting, they decided to bake some cookies. All 3 of my teenaged daughters are known for their delicious home-baked cookies and my daughter’s friend wanted to know how to make them. Into her kitchen they went, and began to search the pantry for ingredients. They hit  a road block early on as there was no flour to be found.

“You guys don’t have any flour?”, my daughter asked. Her friend replied, “Who buys flour?”  My daughter said, “Who doesn’t?” They had a good laugh,  and proceeded to bake flourless cookies, which they both report as being quite tasty, and moved on. Except they didn’t move on. The exchange  apparently remained in the forefront of both of their minds, so they decided to take an informal poll of their  friends at school the next day.

The result? Quite a few acquaintances responded with, “Why would you need to buy flour?”  Then it occurred to Bright Eyes, and to me as she recounted the incident, that it is entirely possible to eat many bread based foods  without ever having to actually buy a bag of flour!

As my daughter’s friends pointed out, if they want cookies, they just buy this:

To bake a cake, most people, at least among those my daughter surveyed, would simply go and buy this:

Want some muffins?

Corn Bread? That’s covered, too!

After I thought about it some, it occurred to me that it is entirely possible to create many breads, cakes, and pastries without actually buying flour. And apparently that is the case for many families. As a new bride, I used my share of corn bread mix and boxed cake mixes though I made every effort to learn to bake things from scratch as quickly as possible. It was interesting to be reminded how much money Americans spend on pre-mixed stuff, even though I found that they don’t save all that much time!

Just an interesting tidbit I ran across recently that I thought the reader might enjoy.

It’s been a while since I posted a menu, so here goes:

• Sunday: Arroz con Pollo (made with brown rice and seasoned with homemade sofrito)
• Monday: Burgers off the grill, baked beans, grilled corn on the cob
• Tuesday: Toasty Tuna Melt Casserole (recipe from Family Feasts for $75/week)
• Wednesday: Orange Chicken w/brown rice, salad
• Thursday: Slow Cooker Chicken Cacciatore (from Family Feasts), served over egg noodles with a side of steamed fresh green beans
• Friday:Sage and spinach Penne (also from Family Feasts), caesar salad
• Saturday: homemade pizza .One with white sauce, chicken, mushrooms and broccoli, one with traditional tomato sauce, and  an assortment of fresh veggies for topping

Bon Appetit!