Cindy on “Where Have the Men Gone?”

There was a fairly controversial post on Boundless titled Where Have the Men Gone?,  that examined why young men are leaving the church in greater and greater numbers. (You can find the comments offered on the post in question at this post).

I found the article largely accurate even though I didn’t agree on every point. I hesitated to post on it here mainly because 1) I am not a man, and 2) I am a mother of 5 girls. Still, the subject interests me as I have three daughters on the cusp of adulthood and possibly marriage.  I was pleased to see that Cindy, a mother of many sons, weighed in to offer her perspective. I highly suggest you click on over there to read the whole thing, but here’s a snippet I found particularly on point:

Then perhaps the most controversial thing of all in the article is this:

“God has prepared one special person for you to marry. That’s right: Jesus is our heavenly matchmaker. You don’t need to actively search for a mate; simply pray and God will plop that perfect person down in front of you one day.”

I am a reformed Christian who believes in God’s sovereignty and yet I see that this attitude causes great mischief.  The worst thing is that it keeps young homeschooled girls from trying, from showing interest or even keeping up with themselves, even to think more highly of themselves than they ought.

The truth is young men will marry girls who are accessible. One friend who used to follow the courtship model even went so far as to tell me that her son ended up marrying the Christian girl who did dress a little flirty and not so buttoned up.  She made herself attractive, not like a “insert bad girl word,” but attractive.

That is how it works whether we like it or not. It is naive to think this is a spiritual problem. We have created such confusion over these issues that often desperate young women while refusing to make themselves attractive throw themselves at young men, calling them up constantly, texting and generally making fools of themselves on Facebook. I can count on more than one hand the number of girls who have outright asked my sons if they might be interested in them.  If they were, they weren’t anymore.  Why do Christian girls do that now? It is truly pathetic, as if they have no understanding of masculinity at all. Are they so used to triumphing over boys culturally that they have failed to notice that men don’t find that triumph attractive?

I am fully prepared to take heat for betraying the holy grail of courtship and kissing dating goodbye, but that’s really not why I posted this particular excerpt. I think Cindy hits on something far more important: that men are men and expecting them to suddenly stop being men because they love and worship Jesus is costing the church dearly. Masculinity is a gift and I’m not quite sure what we expect to gain from tinkering with God’s design to make it more palatable to a culture hostile to it. Especially in the church.

Okay, what are you waiting for? Click on over and read the rest of Cindy’s excellent post.

Happy New Year

I think I mentioned last year that I have largely sworn off New Years’ Resolutions. I have found them to be more a stumbling block than a motivation in many cases. If there is something I need to do or change and I take note of it in November, then I believe I have a responsibility to make the changes I should in November. Still, I do have a few goals for myself that I hope to accomplish in 2012 even as I began working toward them in 2011:

~I already had our cable television subscription turned off. I know that’s not a major thing to most of the people who read here but Discovery, Food Network, and DIY have been the inspiration of many projects and delicacies in this house.

~I am taking a few sewing classes at the start of this year. I have been attempting to teach myself to sew for the better part of a year now and rectangular objects have long ceased to satisfy my creative bug.

~It’s no secret around these parts that I have a heart for fathers, who are largely forgotten in Western culture. I have decided this year to plan an all out bash for the men in our family and immediate circle of friends for father’s day. My daughter has already begun the planning process. We want to honor the fathers we love in a way that most men never experience on Father’s day. I’m talking about a party that yes, will take 6 months to plan. That big.

~I need to expand my quest for good health. I was satisfied with having lost the excess weight I’d been carrying for three years after the birth of Sweetie Pie. Now I want to improve my health in ways beyond my dress size. The goal is to be stronger and have more endurance to accomplish the many tasks I have to accomplish.

~SAM and I have set a few financial goals that are going to require a level of discipline and sacrifice that we’ve never undertaken before. But we’re up to the challenge.

~Refining the homeschool schedule. This has been such an uphill battle. Balancing the needs of the older with the younger has never ceased to be a challenge. Some weeks are better than others but I’m learning to just be happy that they’re learning.

~And as always and at all times, I am striving and praying for a heart that is continuously being changed and transformed to something my heavenly Father is pleased with.

The thing about all of this is that I began planning or working on most of it during the last quarter of 2011. I did  that precisely because I knew how easy it would be to put it off until the New Year.  Or maybe because it takes me 15 months to accomplish what most of you can achieve in 12. I can be slow like that.

For those of you who have set some goals for the New Year, I’d love to hear what those are and encourage you in your quest. What are your goals for the New Year?

Oh yes, and may the Lord bless you with a healthy and Prosperous 2012!

The Forgotten part of the Equation in the Abortion Debate

I’m really not up for a fight, but this needs to be said so I’m saying it. Or at least letting the links speak for themselves.

There’s a new initiative under way by a black pro-life organization. The campaign is called “Fatherhood Begins in the Womb.” (h/t: Ann Brock). I agree with their stated aims and think that fathers are too often forgotten when this subject is discussed. However, I also think they go a bit too far in placing the problem of black fatherlessness solely at the feet of men.

I agree with Dr. Keith Ablow that men should have a say in the lives of their children from conception. If a man can object to his child being adopted out, surely he should be to object to the child being killed.

On that very serious and somber note, I wish y’all a restful, worshipful, and family-filled weekend.

Adapting To What Works In Your Marriage

Last week’s Wifey Wednesday post on what a husband’s leadership in marriage looks like has unfolded into a lengthy, conversation about the nature of male leadership. That and wifely submission, of course. Somehow it always comes back around to this. To submit, or not to submit; that is the question. The answer to the question is: submit. Practically speaking, what does that look like?

I think what it looks like depends on the individuals involved. For some women, it may mean learning how to be more quiet and with that allow her husband grow into his role as leader of the family and man of the house. For other women it may mean learning how to rise to the occasion when the situation calls for it and speak up. There are no hard and fast rules in the Bible for how we are to relate to our men except for the words “love”, “submit”, and “respect”. Beyond that, I don’t have much to offer. I can however, offer personal examples from my own marriage.

The early years of my childhood were difficult. Our family endured a lot of hard trials, and I lived in something of a survival mode. Some kids become hardened and assertive as a result of overcoming challenges.  For a naturally docile child such as I was, that manifested itself with a compliant nature. I wasn’t inclined to rock the boat, believing the best way to handle challenge was to grin and bear it. Experience had taught me that things could always be worse, particularly if I rocked the boat so it was better to let well enough alone.

SAM on the other hand, has a strong personality and a commanding presence. He prefers to cut to the chase and lay all his cards on the table. He doesn’t like ambiguity and he doesn’t want to have play mind reader to know what I feel and need. And he doesn’t want me to have to do that, either.  He doesn’t think it makes any sense not to express your feelings to the person you’re closest to. The docility that drew him to me when we began dating became something of a stumbling block as we began to build a life together. In our marriage, submitting to my husband  meant learning to speak up, not remaining silent when I am unhappy. Submission in our marriage in no way calls for me to be my husband’s doormat.

It was important that I learn to be assertive when the situation called for it, and that applied at home as much as anywhere else. Most of those who read this blog would agree that I’m quite adept at expressing and defending my convictions. I wasn’t always this way.

It took some time to get used to expressing myself and my needs openly, but I learned. Sometimes a little too well, my husband might say. And our relationship is markedly better for it. Because of that, I am a bit leery of those who teach that wifely submission means never offering a different point of view or never expressing your needs. That would’ve been terrible advice for me to take when my husband has articulated that he prefers just the opposite. I think most husbands are open to hearing their wife’s concerns.  If he loves his wife, her concerns concern him.

I’m not referring to materialistic nonsense and petty trivialities. A wise wife knows better that to burden her husband with silly matters of no lasting importance. Issues of time, affection, being overly stressed or other emotional issues are certainly worth discussing in a calm, respectful way. At the right place and the right time, of course. Even when the issue is a valid one, it helps to weigh all considerations.

For example, there are certain times of the year when my husband works more hours than others. I miss him during those times and I don’t like to see him wear himself out. I could begin nagging him by saying things like, “You work too much.” However, that doesn’t take into consideration the fact that he is working to feed, shelter and clothe a wife and six kids, not to mention himself. A discussion about the hours he works may be valid, or it may not be valid. I’ve found that the best way to handle his busy seasons is to be extra supportive and accommodating. Asking what I can do to help him is infinitely more constructive and productive than complaining about how much of him I’m not getting.

Discernment is required to know when speaking up is constructive, and when it’s just a knee-jerk attempt to save face or earn the respect one thinks she’s not getting. That kind of outspokenness does little to enhance intimacy or build trust. I had to learn that as well.

I have a few cardinal rules for how I relate with my husband. The first is that I don’t contradict him on issues in front of other people. I’m not saying that you have to do it my way, but that’s a gesture of respect that I offer him. My husband is not very talkative anyway, so there are few times when he says anything in a group setting that I disagree with. If he does however, I wait until we’re alone to ask him to clarify his meaning or express my take on it.

Secondly, I don’t interpret every cross word or slight gesture as an opportunity to vent my frustration or have equal say. It was very easy after years of silence to start talking and not know when to shut up. I need to pray for wisdom about what issues are worth the trouble. When I don’t, my husband helps me out with that . As I have learned to measure my words, they carry more weight when I say, “We need to talk.” Besides, doesn’t the Bible admonish us to be slow to speak?

Thirdly, I do believe that submission to my husband includes a measure of  obedience and I try to act accordingly. I don’t always do it perfectly, but I make a prayerful, earnest, heartfelt attempt. I respect his veto power since he is responsible before God for the direction that our family takes. In turn, he appreciates my perspective, seeks my input when we need to make decisions, and respects my insight and intellect. One of the good things about having married so young is that we have sort of grown up and evolved in our views together. It is rare that my husband has “pulled rank” on me when a decision needs to be made.  More often than not, we agree.

Not every husband has an outwardly strong a personality like my husband. Some men are laid back and easy-going. In such cases, a wife who doesn’t weigh her words and time them carefully can seem like a nag or as if she’s usurping his position.  Her husband will withdraw and let her have it. Most wives who find themselves in the driver’s seat don’t like it all that much.

Some men may need to be encouraged to open up about what they need to way my husband had to encourage me to open up. The best way to get him to do that is to not punish him for telling the truth.  In fact, I’ve said this before and I think it bears repeating:

If there is one piece of advice that I could give any wife besides obeying Scripture with regards to your marriage, it would be this:  Make it safe for your husband to tell you the truth. I have come full circle from viewing my husband as overly opinionated, to viewing  his honesty as a gift. Listen to your husbands talk when you get together to fellowship with other couples. You’d be surprised what you hear. My husband has heard far too many men say that they could never tell their wives what they are really thinking because there would be heck to pay. Wives, however, usually feel perfectly at ease reciting a litany of complaints to their husband.

There really  is no “one size fits all” approach to working out the Bible’s guidelines for how we relate in our marriages. Yes, we are to submit to our husbands. But personalities, backgrounds, and perspectives are too diverse for any one person to insist that what works for them can work for me, and vice versa. In fact, I really like the way the Amplified Bible translates Ephesians chapter 5, verse 22:

Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.

Adapt to your own husband. Good words.

This post is a part of Wifey Wednesday hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.

Husbands Are People, Too

Women can do anything a man can do.  Men can wear pink and still be masculine. Gender roles are obsolete. Leadership is for tyrants and women with no brains. A real man knows that all you need is love, love. Love is all you need. Truth is whatever each couple determines it to be.

In this corner of the ‘net, we often decry the androgyny that our culture has embraced in an effort mask the innate differences between men and women. There is an increasing backlash here against that type of foolishness, and rightly so.  In our zeal however, we have to be careful not to box men into the same rigid corner that those who hate complementary marriage claim women need to be liberated from. Our men are called to lead, but not to sacrifice their humanity in some misguided attempt to “be the man” at all costs. They need to be able to lean on us, and we need be able to let them without challenging their manhood when they do.

Maybe I’m an odd duck, but I rather enjoy being married to a strong, authoritative man. I like feeling protected and I find his decisiveness rather sexy. I like that he has an opinion about what I look like. At least I know he’s looking. I think it a credit to his resourcefulness that we rarely have to call someone with something breaks, even something major. He works well with his hands, and his hands often bear the scars of hard work.

I love that, but beneath all of that armor is a man with a heart, and sometimes he needs to be able to be vulnerable enough to reveal that heart to me without worrying that I will view it as a weakness. One of the things I learned early on in my relationship with my SAM was to appreciate that my husband, who is very overtly masculine, has feelings. He gets sad. He has fears, hopes, and dreams just like me. Not to mention tear ducts. I’ve known my husband for 19 years and I’ve only seen him shed a tear twice, but I’ve seen it.

It’s very easy for a woman married to a harder man to forget that a man’s reluctance to express his vulnerability doesn’t make him invulnerable. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for him to trust his heart to anyone, and marriage won’t automatically make him comfortable doing that. But when he does,  his wife should do all she can to make it clear that his vulnerability doesn’t make him weak in her eyes.

The church’s swinging pendulums in reaction to the culture are actually dangerous and detrimental, in my opinion, and I see this as one area where we need to tread lightly. We should be able to stand on the truth as revealed in Scripture and work out how that looks in each family. We can do that without having to discard the truth just to function, which is what far too many “believers” have decided to do.

We seem incapable of being balanced, don’t we? We react to henpecked men by encouraging them to seize their authority or attempting to browbeat wives into becoming boring and docile. Isn’t it better if married believers can just trust that God’s ideas of masculinity and femininity are light years better than anything we can come up with and live that out? When we do that, our men can rest in the knowledge that we trust them to lead not only because it makes us feel secure, but because we trust that God knows best. He commands us to submit to our husbands, and we’ll do that to honor Him, and we’ll do it for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

A while back I alluded to some care repairs that SAM walked me through when he was injured and couldn’t do them himself. His injury was actually quite serious creating a scenario where I had to step up and do a whole host of things I wasn’t used to doing for well over a month. I was  relieved when he got better but I was thankful for the opportunity to learn to do something new and surprised at how quickly I picked up the skill in a few instances. My husband’s temporary period of injury didn’t make him any less strong or capable than he was before. He was still the same person; he just needed a little help from his helpmeet. That’s what I’m supposed to do.

During a season of economic turmoil, when many men (particularly those skilled  in male dominated fields of work) are attempting to reset and start over, it’s more important than ever that wives not undermine their authority in the family. To do that while allowing them to share their vulnerability is a delicate balancing act, but one that every wife, regardless of her husband’s personality, needs to strike.

This post is a part of Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.

My Entertainment is Holier Than Your Entertainment!

A couple of months ago Pastor Mark Driscoll, with whom I have no serious doctrinal disagreements that I’m aware of, decided to weigh in on the subject of video games with a blog and accompanying video entitled, Video Games Aren’t Sinful, They’re Just Stupid. His passion for men being real men was laudable, but I have never been able to relate to the attitude of disdain that seems to characterize many Christians’ thoughts on the subject of video games.

It occurs to me as I write this that I may be giving some the impression that I, my husband, or my children are video game junkies since this isn’t the first time I’ve broached this subject. We are not. Almost any Floridian can relate to this parallel. You pay an extra $10,000 for a house with a pool, or worse pay $20,000 to have a pool installed. At first your family enjoys the pool a great deal, and you wonder how you ever lived with out it. After a while, however, the pool sits largely unused unless the family is having a summertime party. After a  few years many pool owners will tell you that the cost of maintaining their pool far outstrips the enjoyment their family gets from it. The pool isn’t as big a deal anymore. They could take it or leave it.

That’s how we view our video game. We could take it or leave it. It’s used maybe twice a month; making exceptions for when another family with kids is over to visit. Video gaming is not a major part of our life or lifestyle. The girls and I play the occasional game of bowling, Jeopardy, or Wheel of Fortune. Secret Agent Man plays maybe once every couple of months, and I’ve discovered that you can almost set a calendar date for when he’ll play because it’s usually on the heels of a month when he’s worked 13 days straight.

In other words, my defense of adults who play video games is not a knee-jerk defense of the way our family lives. Rather, it is based on the fact that I hate the way Christians get on a bandwagon about a particular thing and make it seem so much worse than other things simply because it’s the thing that every one seems to be into at the moment.

While we certainly need to take extreme care not to take on the values of the culture, we also need to take extreme care to focus our energy on issues of eternal and doctrinal significance. Unless we’re talking about a person who spends most of their waking hours glued to the screen with remote in hand, video gaming does not, in my opinion, meet that standard. We live in an entertainment saturated culture, and when we decide to pick out one area of entertainment on which to focus our disapproval, we give a false sense of security to those who are equally disconnected from real life by other forms of entertainment.

For example, Americans love athletics. People get antsy in church if the service goes long and cuts into the first football game being broadcast on Sunday afternoon. Many churches cancel Sunday evening services on Superbowl Sunday. I admit to being pretty engaged in the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs myself right now. Not to mention MLB, NHL, PGA and the sports with slightly smaller but equally devoted followings. But it’s not just the sports junkies.

There’s also blogs, Facebook, magazines, movies, frivolous Christian romance novels (!) and television. How many Americans were enamored with the royal nuptials, following every detail leading up to the fairy tale wedding of a couple on another continent? We are constantly connected via cell phones and texting to the point where most of us can barely enjoy a few minutes alone with our own thoughts. There’s always something clamoring for our attention, inviting us to engage in passive forms entertainment, and there are few of us, Christian and non alike, who don’t succumb to the temptation in one way or another.

Not all entertainment is without merit, and some have great benefits. Reading a book feeds the mind. Playing a game of pickup basketball is more beneficial than watching Lebron James’ athletic prowess on television. A hike through the woods beats watching the Discovery channel any day. We can enjoy leisure time in a host of productive ways. This is not a condemnation of entertainment, but rather a call to balance in the way we entertain ourselves. More than that, it’s a reminder to be careful about condemning others for doing the same things we do, albeit it in a slightly different way.

Entertainment of all kinds is something we all need to approach in a deliberate and balanced way. If we take a good look at ourselves, we might find we have more in common with the video gamers than we realize.

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t mention that the things we set our laser-like judgmental focus on are most often forms of entertainment likely to be enjoyed by men. Am I the only one who notices that?

Appreciate Your Husband’s Personality

I am a married to a man with exact preferences. He has definite tastes compounded with an eye for details. Not to mention the fact that he believes confusion is best avoided by expressing your thoughts clearly rather than assuming your intended is a mind reader. Since I was raised by an outspoken man with strong preferences, I quickly accepted my husband’s personality as “just the way men are.”

Additionally, the women I spent the most time with are the wives of SAM’s brothers, men who also have exact preference natures. I saw that as more “evidence” that this was just the way men are. Also, it was easy for me to accommodate my husband because he does not expect to be acquiesced to while ignoring my preferences. It worked quite well.

Until my older children started school I began to meet other women whose husbands “didn’t care” what they wore, how they wore their hair, or what they cooked. When I met mothers volunteering at school functions, I seemed to overhear it all the time: “Oh, my husband doesn’t care what I cook.”  “My husband doesn’t care how I do this or that, or the other.”

Like most people, I was vulnerable to the grass is greener mentality and wondered why it mattered to my husband whether I wore my hair curly or straight, or whether I wore jeans or skirts. His preferences suddenly seemed petty and oppressive. These other women had it so easy comapred to me. We women loved to feel oppressed don’t we?

I wasn’t oppressed at all, of course. I just liked the idea of feeling like a victim. Not to mention the fact that it’s easier to get up and brush my hair straight than it is to get up and curl it. The path of least resistance and all that. But my husband has never been a jerk about what he liked and didn’t like. He was just honest about it. As we’ve gotten closer to other couples over the years we’ve found that many husbands have preferences as well, but they learn to keep the peace by being silent about them.

Still, there are men who really are the easy going, laid back types; they’re easily pleased and “don’t care” about the little things that my husband expressed his opinions about. I’ve come to appreciate his personality over the years because I realize he’s not being controlling. This is just who he is. His eye for detail and exacting specifications fits perfectly into what I know about him, into how he makes his living, and into the care he puts into everything he does. Including the attention he pays to me.

When I change my hair, he notices. When I started getting into shape, he noticed right away. He knows what colors look good on me and what looks good on my figure. I always love it when he gives me clothes for a birthday or Mother’s Day gift because I know whatever he gets will look great on me. His penchant for studying things closely applies as much to me as it does to the technical nature of his work. It took me a while to appreciate this part of his personality, however, because it required that I pay attention to what he likes. In other words, I’m not comfortable just doing whatever I like without considering him. Not because he’s a control freak, but because he’s wired in a way that causes him to notice things that other people overlook. Interestingly enough, Paul admonished singles wishing to marry that this is part of the deal: caring for what interests your mate.

The biggest lessons I’ve learned about having a harmonious marriage, second only to Biblical Truth, is to accept my husband for who he is. Trying to change him is not only an exercise in futility (he will not be molded by me anyway), but it will fail to get me what I think I want. If I believe that God put us together, and I do, then I have to accept that He put us together because there are things each of us needs that the other can provide.

And while I used to find my husband’s candor problematic, I’ve come to embrace it. In fact, I welcome it and am grateful that he expects the same level of candor from me. No guessing. No games. No need to wonder what he thinks about something. It is far more freeing to know what his preferences are than to wonder what he’s going to think about something.

If you’re married to a man with strong preferences, rather than view it as a negative, ask yourself what you can gain from that instead of what it costs you. If your husband is more laid back, rather than viewing it as license to ignore any preferences he truly has, ask yourself how you can fulfill those needs he has clearly expressed.

Another thing I have noticed in women whose husbands are less forthcoming is a sense of dissatisfaction that he isn’t “strong enough.” Resist the urge to do that the same way I had to resist the urge to desire a more passive husband. Be thankful for the man you have been blessed to spend your life with and learn to live with him according to the knowledge you’ve gained throughout your life together.

The grass always looks greener from a distance.

This post is a part of Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila  at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.

Everything I Know About Marriage in 200 Words or Less (and related links)

It’s Wednesday, but I don’t have any profound marriage thoughts today. This will be short and sweet, followed by a few interesting marriage related links. What do I really know about marriage? Not much. Despite my 76 posts on the subject I’m learning a bit more every day. However, I’ll give you what I’ve got in 200 words or less:

1. Husbands want to be respected as the man of the house. This lines up pretty well with Scripture’s admonition for a wife to see that she respects her husband.

2. A child-centered marriage is a recipe for disaster. Teach children early that their “happiness” is not Mom or Dad’s reason for living.

3. Cooking or baking a favorite treat of my husband’s always lifts his mood at the end of a long day.

4. Husbands like it when you get dressed thinking more about what they find attractive than what you find comfortable. I’ve found that with a little thought, it’s not that hard to manage both.

5. When I want to explore certain theological questions or Biblical passages more thoroughly, I go to my husband first (Yes, I pray). It never ceases to start an interesting discussion that we both grow from and he knows I appreciate his Biblical knowledge.

6.This isn’t Scriptural, and I know there are some who would quibble, but this post is about what I’ve learned: Good sex, and lots of it, makes the most difficult seasons of a marriage infinitely more bearable.

I believe that’s 188 words of practical things I’ve learned about marriage and it’s all I’ve got for this week. Maybe I’ll do better next week. However, my good friend Jamala recently penned a series of posts on marriage (here, here, and here) and they are worth a read. No holds barred, politically incorrect posts full of truth, not to mention Scripture to back it up. She picked up my mantle while I was away it seems.

Additionally, a couple of the men on my blog roll wrote about the fact that they enjoy being married and why. I found their posts refreshing.

 I enjoy Dalrock’s blog because although it’s very secular, he is a master at looking at and breaking down the facts and hard data, often complete with charts and graphs, on how divorce has changed the societal landscape and with it our views about marriage and family. Not to mention how feminism has made women more unhappy and less satisfied.  He expresses more concern than I’ve witnessed on most Christian blogs. His post, Newsflash: My Marriage Doesn’t Suck, can be found here (* language alert at the start of the post as he excerpts an anti-marriage post that inspired his*).  Elusive Wapiti, a fellow Christian wrote, My Marriage Doesn’t Suck Either, which can be found here.

This post is a part Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Click on over for more wifely encouragement.

Random Snippet from the Scenes of My Life

Last weekend our family, the whole gang of us, stopped in Target to pick up a few needed household items. We hadn’t gotten far when Secret Agent Man was spotted by someone he knew. I think I’ve mentioned before that this happens quite often.

While he stopped to chat with his gentleman acquaintance, I and the girls wandered off to pick up our stuff. Before I could get to the housewares section (or wherever you buy mops), I saw this. And this. I envisioned Lil’ Princess and Sweetie Pie looking adorable in those dresses. I immediately picked up one of them and made a beeline for  S.A.M. to ask his thoughts on  the dresses and my spending the money to buy the dresses. He answered in the affirmative and I went to finish our shopping.

As I walked off, I could hear his friend ask a question:

“How do you do that, bro?”

I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation (the fellow was trying to be extra quiet), but I did hear Secret Agent Man laugh. Later he told me the rest of what was said:

His friend: “How do you do that?”

S.A.M: “Do what?”

Friend: “Get her ask you before just buying stuff?”

S.A.M. (laughing): “Man, I don’t know.”

Over the past several years, someone asks one of us at least every few months the “why” behind the way our relationship works. Even though he asks me for my thoughts and opinions within earshot of other people, the questions never address that. They always whether from a man or a woman, center around why I ask him his opinion as if I don’t have my own. That’s how the women frame it, anyway. If it’s a man asking the question is basically, “How do you get her to behave?”

Coincidence? Me thinks not. I find it telling that his conferring with me is expected, but my conferring with him is a sign of…what?

I’ve gotten used to it, and am not offended. When I was younger and cared a great deal what people thought, it drove me nuts. I care more about a solid marriage than I do about how anyone on the outside views the way we achieve it.

I’m wondering if S.A. M. shouldn’t come with some sage advice for these fellows who seem to be in awe of a man with a wife who respects him? They’d probably be scared to death to take his advice  anyway if he did.

You Mean, My Way Isn’t the Only Way?

I’ve mentioned before that I am fairly regimented in the way I do things. It’s how I get things done. My husband is more spontaneous, and during the month of December he used a lot of vacation time to spend time with the girls during their holiday break. Life was laid back (read: more fun) around here this past December.

He was invaluable to my homeschooling efforts, shouldering lots of the responsibility and freeing me to work on some deep cleaning and organization projects around our home. I have this thing about starting the New Year off with a super clean house. Please don’t ask if everything is still  in its place on this, the 9th day of February, 2011.

Lil’ Princess appreciated the change of pace and had a lot of fun. He often did things completely different from the way I would have done them, but she was learning and having fun. That was all that mattered. It took a few days for me to fully appreciate that there really is more than one way to approach a task and that my way isn’t necessarily better, just different.

For instance, my husband likes video games. I know adult men who play video games get a bad rap in this corner of the ‘sphere, but whatever. I’ve never quite understood the disdain. Maybe that’s because I came of age at the beginning of the years when video games were the thing to get for Christmas. I am old enough to remember Atari, NEC,  and Sega Genesis. I know I’m giving my age away, but  I wouldn’t be 20 again anyway if you paid me to do it.

In my house growing up, we never got the hottest system until it had been replaced by the newer hottest system. We got the Atari when everyone else had the Nintendo and the Nintendo when everyone else was getting the Sega Genesis. My parents said it was cheaper that way. My husband on the other hand grew up with the hottest games and systems when he was a kid. Being a semi-techno-geek type, he was good at them and his fondness for them never  really diminished. He’s a hard-working,  fully engaged husband and father, and I don’t begrudge him the pleasure of playing a video game  every once in a while. There is a point to this video game ramble. Stay with me.

A while back he got the littles a couple of educational Sesame Street games for the Wii. One is for math and the other is for language. I am not much of a gamer (my addiction to Wii bowling not withstanding), and hadn’t paid much attention to the games. One day as he was schooling Lil’ Princess and Sweetie Pie, he remembered the Sesame Street games and decided to let them play those for a while under his supervision. Temporarily void of imagination, I considered that a “day off” from school while he considered it an educational exercise.

I couldn’t have been more wrong because the games were quite good for rhyming, word families, and counting. When I implied the next day that she had a nice day off from “activities” the day before, Lil’ Princess objected, noting that she had indeed worked on counting, number order, and rhyming words with her dad. And it hit me: I assumed that because he didn’t “do school” the way I would have done it, then it hadn’t been done, or at least done right.

How often do wives do that type of thing? The only acceptable way of cleaning, organizing, or homeschooling is our way of doing it. Mothers hinder their children’s ability to grow and become self-sufficient because they can’t do a job or a chore as thoroughly as we’d do it. Husbands are pushed to the periphery of child-rearing because many wives aren’t open-minded enough to appreciate that there really is more than one way to accomplish a goal. The same wife then complains when her husband retreats and lets her have the control she fought him so hard for in the first place.

If you’re lucky, as I was, your husband will push back and refuse to allow himself to be reduced to nothing more than the guy who pays the bills, sits at the head of the table, and then retreats to the couch. If not, consider this post a friendly reminder that we often end up doing all the work because we’ve sent the message either subtly or overtly that no one else is competent to do it.

If that’s what you’ve done, don’t complain if your husband leaves you to it. Better yet understand this. While “my way or the highway” makes a catchy soundbite, it also makes for a frustrated, overworked, lonely wife and mother. You’d be surprised how much your husband and family will lighten your load if you give them the chance.

This post is a part of Wifey Wednesday, hosted by Sheila at To Love Honor and Vacuum. Click on over there for more wifely encouragement.