Why I’ve Never Embraced Facebook, pt. 2

None of my daughters has a Facebook page or a MySpace page. Most of our closest friends and family are in close enough proximity that we don’t see the need for it. We feel the exact same way about phones with unlimited texting features. Still, that hasn’t completely shielded all of them from some of what takes place when teens are allowed free access to post whatever they want without supervision.

One of my girls found herself heading in a different direction from one of her closest friends as they went through middle school. Part of it was that we simply didn’t allow our kids to hang out at the popular Friday night hangout spot so my girls were disconnected from a lot of their school’s culture. Additionally, my daughter wasn’t interested in the things that many other 12 and 13-year-old girls were becoming interested in. This made her a target on My Space of girls who thought she needed to be taken down a peg or two. The incident passed quickly because my daughter wasn’t able to respond in kind.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is attempt to explain to my daughter that in life there will be people who hate you even if you’ve never done anything to harm them. How do you tell a kid that their very presence, lifestyle and beliefs will cause an irrational contempt to take root in the hearts of people they thought were their friends?  I’ve never figured out exactly how to do it. We just try to create a safe place for them at home where they can be themselves warts and all.

We have found that the best way to handle much of the technology issue with our kids is to skip it altogether. When in doubt, don’t. My oldest thinks she might the only 16-year-old at her school without a Facebook page, but she has peace with it. She’s heard so much about what can go wrong with it that she doesn’t mind at all. We trust our kids to handle themselves appropriately online, but even the best of us makes mistakes, so we decided it’s best just to skip it.

Another thing we have decided to skip is cell phones with unlimited texting features for the girls. They can send text messages from their phone but there is a fee per text. That pretty much limits texts to those necessary to convey important information. This system works well for us, and it eliminates the back and forth texting that can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings.

It is often said that experience is the best teacher, and in some cases it is. I just happen to believe that others’ experiences can be just as educational as our own. As I have listened to other mothers complain about their teens and Facebook or MySpace, I’ve learned that young people, and often even older people, throw caution aside when they take to the keyboard. Boys are receiving risque photos of girls via their telephones, and children have committed suicide because they can’t handle the pressure of having their character maligned and their name trashed for the entire world to see. While I realize that this can happen even if the child doesn’t have a Facebook or MySpace page, I believe it’s markedly worse if they have access to the information, reading it day after day or having it sent to them personally.

You might be wondering at this point: Well, what are your kids allowed to do? My girls have email.  I do have their passwords and access to their emails, but I almost never  read their emails. I haven’t felt a need to do so. They have a cell phone but they only use it when they are away from home. Their friends are required to call the main number to our house and they are required to use our home phone for making calls to their friends. Cell phones are for a specific use and we are teaching them to use them accordingly. I know that not everyone has a land line phone, but we do.

In the last post I mentioned that my girls have largely adopted my approach to friends and relationships, and that I’m not entirely comfortable with it. They hold most people loosely, at arm’s length. They’re kind, courteous and social, but their guard is up around most people they aren’t related to, just like their mama. I have a wide social circle, but my inner circle of friends consists of two people, maybe three. Frankly, I hate that I’ve done that to them, taught them that people can’t be trusted.

Only one of my girls has developed a close friendship with a lovely Christian girl where she is relatively unguarded and I am thankful for that. The twins (15) consider each other best friends. I am attempting to be more open to friendships with people rather than approaching everyone with smile on my lips and armor over my heart. Still, the best way to accomplish that is up close and personal, and not via electronic devices. I just don’t believe God designed us to interact that way exclusively.

As it is becoming increasingly common for more and more people to have almost no deep, uplifting relationships with real flesh and blood human beings, I want my children to appreciate the value of good friends. I do have a couple and they know how much we mean to one another. They appreciate the relationship between their father and I as well.

There was a song that was popular a few years before I was even born, but Motown classics could be heard in our house a lot when I was a kid. Secret Agent Man and I still enjoy old Temptations songs every once in a while. Anyway, I remember my big sister playing a record by Marvin Gaye called Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing. I recalled the lyrics just now as I was wrapping up this post.

I’m not sure what it says about my spirituality that the chorus of 60′s Motown songs play in my head from time to time, but this is one instance where I think it may be appropriate. I will always teach my girls to use discretion when deciding whom they will allow into their lives, but I am learning to be more open and teaching them to do the same.

But up close and personal, not via the Internet.

Why I’ve Never Been Able To Embrace Facebook, pt. 1

“Girls are vicious.”

Those were the words of one of my daughters as she recounted a recent incident of texting/Facebook drama among some girls at her school that went on for far too long.  It culminated with an incident on the bus that sparked an interesting conversation. Seeing this book, Little Girls Can Be Mean, on a shelf in our  local library made me consider the issue a bit more.

I can’t tell you the number of emails I’ve gotten asking if I’m on Facebook. I’m not.  I considered opening a page connected directly to this blog (I did it  in fact), but couldn’t bring myself to engage in the personal nature of the Facebook format. At the risk of energizing those who insist that I’m a misogynist despite my female gender, I’m going to share my reasons why.

In my experience, too much unchecked estrogen in one place invites drama and gossip.This isn’t a novel idea because the Apostle Paul warned us about the tendency many, many years ago:

And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.  Therefore I desire that the younger [women] marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 1 timothy 5:13-14

Not all women are like that of course, but this  verse could just have easily chastised women for running about from forum to Facebook.  The older I get the less patience I have for phony “prayer requests” and hurt feelings sparked by an innocent comment.When my daughter made the statement about vicious girls, I was reminded of how careful we need to be before we open our mouths, or take to the keyboard.

I feel ill when I find myself being drawn into drama. I didn’t grow up around that sort of thing, having spent my formative years in a mostly male household. Because of that, I also know that handling conflict badly isn’t a problem unique to women. I’ve watched as boys just haul off and punch one another and duke it out until they were too tired to fight anymore. I know most people can recount a news story or personally know men who have been severely injured or killed when tempers flared. We all, male and female alike suffer from Human Personality Disorder. The big difference though is that boys will fight it out one day, and then it’ll be over. The next day they’ll be playing together again. After a few instances at  elementary school recess when a queen bee decided I was the one to shun, I just started playing with the boys.

When I started  junior high and was suddenly informed that my friendships  would have to be primarily with girls, I understood why the change was necessary, but I wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead. It wasn’t long before I adjusted, learning to navigate and even enjoy some of the drama. But after a while,  it gave me headaches  and I retreated to the world of books, where I could pick up and put down the drama at my convenience.  By the time I entered high school I’d adjusted and figured out that my best line of defense was to keep my list of friends short.

Which brings me back to Facebook. What’s the point of a Facebook page with 5 friends on it? I can just call those few folks up on the telephone! Some of the loyal readers of this blog have become real life friends. That’s just the way I prefer to handle relationships. I’m too screwed up to build real relationships any other way. I know Facebook is a tool many people use for encouragement and ministry and I’m not knocking that at all. Facebook is really just an easily recognizable example of something useful that can be harmful if used unwisely.

As we raise our five daughters, we feel a burden to train them to be responsible, compassionate women who treat others the way they wish to be treated. Three of them are much closer to adulthood than childhood, and I need to teach and model for them the best ways to handle conflict when it occurs because males and females really do handle conflict much differently.

Girls tend to expand controversy, gather allies, and use gossip and rumors as weapons the way boys use their fists. The words can fly for an entire school years and many people get hurt. That’s what I remember, and according to my daughters things haven’t changed much. They’ve largely adopted their mama’s approach (which I’m not entirely comfortable with, for the record). They describe their closest friends as they’re sisters or cousins. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.

Most girls aren’t as fortunate as mine to have  lots of sisters and female cousins being raised with the same values. Sadly as I’ve said here before, a woman doesn’t just wake up one day foolish. She was a foolish girl first, and this tendency to expand controversy continues for many right into adulthood.

I can think of few things I enjoy less than drama and gossip. Except for one thing: e-drama and gossip, where I don’t have the benefit of settling things up close and personal. My admittedly judgmental attitude about such things has always kept my number of close friends very small. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that all two of them are just as likely as I am to say they’re  wary of hanging around with too many other women.

That’s another one of the reasons I’ve avoided Facebook. I prefer real friends to virtual ones. It’s this same thing that keeps me off of forums. The only one I’ve ever been involved in was moderated by a sister whom I believe must be a kindred spirit because she didn’t tolerate that type of foolishness either. She was a rare gem.

One of the reasons I enjoy blogging is because we can discuss general principles in a public forum and agree, disagree, or agree to disagree, then move on. There seemed to be less propensity for drama to take root, because of the relative anonymity. Or so I thought. My often controversial stands have proven to be more of a lightning rod on occasions than I am prepared to deal with and I am in the process of rethinking what I am accomplishing here.

I am outspoken and assertive about my belief that we have allowed feminist ideology to infiltrate our churches, theology, and marriages to our detriment, but I try never to make it personal.  I firmly believe that what I’ve  witnessed is true in general, but I know that there are exceptions to every trend and underlying factors behind every person’s actions.

I could care less about feminists or secular egalitarian who post snarky rebuttals and comments. That comes with the territory when a woman stands up to say that the Bible’s order for marriage and family is the right way. I expect it. I might even go so far as to say I welcome it. It doesn’t deter me because I’ve seen enough to know that the Bible is true.

What I cannot stomach is fights with other believers. I know there are bloggers, writers, and preachers who feel called to stand up against heresy and confront ministries who twist the truth for their own ends. I respect and support their passionate stand for truth and I believe there is a place for such ministries in the church. I just don’t feel it’s my calling and I’m not interested in fighting with other Christians. Spirited debate I can handle. Personal attacks I’d rather not be bothered with, and the fact that it’s the Internet doesn’t change my position. Not only do I hate it, but it flies in the face of everything I’m attempting to teach my girls about avoiding unnecessary conflict.

I don’t have the mental energy available to brush off accusations and attacks. It’s why I’ve gone out of my way not to allow that kind of thing on my site. I’m politically incorrect, and I don’t apologize for that. I believe in what I write, but I try to speak the truth in love. I think my zeal may have fed my naivete. When things are personal to you, as this issue is to me,  it’s easy for that to happen.

I would like to say one thing to fellow believers.  There are clear directives in Scripture for handling a dispute with a brother or a sister. If you have a problem with someone, take it to them first. If you wouldn’t want the things you’re saying about them behind their backs to be said about you behind yours, shut your mouth (or back away from the keyboard). This is Biblical truth:

And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. Luke 6:31

It’s also a universal truism (for those not easily moved by Biblical truth):

“Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.”~ Socrates

It’s not as gratifying as heaping up a peanut gallery to agree with you, I know.

But that doesn’t make it right.

In part 2, we’ll discuss the ways we are training our girls, the example I try to set and the boundaries we have put in place to help them learn to handle hurt feelings and conflict in a godly, honorable way.

Valentine’s Day Ambivalence

I ask those of you planning candlelight dinners and romantic gestures to pardon me in advance for the rant. If you bought candles and special lingerie, that’s a good investment any day of the year so hats off, but the idea of Valentine’s Day as a reason to do it has become increasingly irritating to me. I’ll tell you why in a minute, but y’all know I believe in full disclosure, so here goes.

10 years’ ago, I viewed Valentine’s Day the way most (not all) other American women viewed it:  as a chance to manipulate my husband into buy me flowers and/or candy, woo me with “spontaneous” romantic gestures, and give me a night off from the daily drudgery of housewifery. In other words, 10 years ago  I didn’t think about it too much.  If I had I would have seen the inherent silliness in the farce that Valentine’s Day has become.

Second disclosure: While we tend to skip Valentine’s Day as a couple, we usually do something with our girls. The ritual, and source of my ambivalence, started back when the older girls were knee-deep in Valentine’s Day celebrations at their elementary school. Their dad would come home with a little stuffed toy, or a chocolate heart candy for each of them. Even after we  began to see Valentine’s Day for blatant consumer-driven scam that it is, we didn’t want to disappoint our girls because they were used to daddy’s little gifts. This year,  we’ll discuss the history of St. Valentine’s Day and  bake heart-shaped cookies. The girls will make notes or cards for each other, friends and cousins, and their parents if they desire. Everything they buy or give they will be baked or made by hand, not bought.

Now that I have disclosed all, I can share why I have come to loathe the typical Valentine’s Day. I dislike the consumerism, the commercialization, and the “spontaneous” romance that is supposed to break forth simply because it’s February 14th. Are we a bunch suggestible sheeple or what?

The very idea that Valentine’s Day should serve as a day for couples to connect, make love, and appreciate each other stinks to high heaven as just another day on the calendar for us to keep the corporate greed machine running at full tilt. Eating out, buying trinkets, incurring debt (for some), and feeding our narcissism all in the name of true love. I prefer birthdays and anniversaries as times to go all out if you must. At least the dates are uniquely significant to the significant others involved.

I acknowledge that this is a boom time for florists and various other small business owners, but I also think the majority of us will simply be adding to the coming economic ruin of this country if we allowed ourselves to be manipulated like trained seals. We simply must wake up. Is it even possible march into a Wal-mart or Target or wherever, and walk out with something that represents true love for your one and only?

If we can’t help ourselves, wouldn’t it be better to make homemade chocolates, or learn to grow your own roses to cut and make a bouquet? At the very least, spend the extra few bucks to buy from a small business owner rather than the big box stores. I know should probably learn to sew so that I’m not buying new toddler clothes from the stores every spring and winter, but we’re talking about Valentine’s Day, here.

I’m not exactly sure when I took the red pill and woke up. I’m thinking someone must have slipped in my decaf because there was a gradual awakening to the madness of all of this and I can’t remember exactly how it began.

I noticed the television commercials and  especially the radio spots (I’m a radio gal)  directed at men hocking the perfect gift for wives and girlfriends lest they find themselves in the doghouse for forgetting about Valentine’s Day. Who, living in this country and not hiding under a rock, could forget Valentine’s Day? From there, the whole thing became increasingly unsettling to me for a number of reasons, but the most compelling is my perspective on the natural side of love and marriage.

My view of romantic love is that it sparks quickly, settles down to embers, and needs to be stoked regularly to keep you warm. We don’t always have the time, motivation, or even inclination to do that because it’s hard work. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it just means you need a little push every now and again to keep things going. That’s the beauty of a Christian marriage.

Any wife or husband who takes seriously the command to love selflessly and “do unto others” can’t help but do nice things for their mate and keep the fires stoked. It comes with the territory. Every time I go out of my way for my husband, he feels the love and is motivated to go the extra mile for me. And so on, and so on. Romance can’t help but bloom in that environment and physical intimacy need not be an occasional pleasure to be relished on Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, and New Year’s Eve.

If a fellow feels undue pressure to produce a grand gesture of affection on February 14th, it means one of two things. The first is that he hasn’t flexed a romantic muscle for his wife all year. The second is that his wife  has fully bought into to the high pressure marketing that kicks off every February. It could mean both. Either way, the fact remains that his gesture of love may be a gesture of many things: fear, pressure, unfulfilled lust, or his being brainwashed by the marketing machine. Short term the payoff might be worth it, but if things go back to the distant, disconnected state they were in before Valentine’s Day, it was a waste of good money.

We have decided to opt out, because I can bake S.A. M.’s favorite dessert, give him a back rub, and put on a cute nightie any day of the year, and do. So if we’re dog tired tonight and crash as soon as our heads hit the pillows, we won’t wake up feeling like we “missed” our chance to do something special.

Happy Valentine’s Day, anyway!

My .02

Y’all often ask me what I think about some of the headlines since I ceased to offer my two cents on the hot topics the way I used to. I’ve been asked recently about everything from the Arizona shooting to the editing of Huckleberry Finn. My reasons for not blogging about many of the newsmakers are varied.

Firstly, I  have decided to narrow the focus of my blog to the subjects nearest and dearest to my heart, marriage and family. Secondly, I am feeling increasingly disconnected from much of the nonsense we Americans  take far too seriously. I am finding I cannot drum up enough passion to craft entire blog posts on much of the day’s news. I am however, fully aware of what is happening in the world around me and am far too opinionated not to have an opinion on all of these things so occasionally I will offer my .02. Here goes:

On the Arizona shooting: I was heartbroken for the family of the little child killed. I was saddened at the violence and murder of people just going about their daily lives. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the things human beings do to one another without batting an eye. And I was slightly irritated that this became somehow larger than life because a member of Congress was a target. People are being killed in this country every day, and I fail to see how Mrs. Giffords, a servant of the people, is worthy of more sympathy than the people she serves. I say this as I pray for her full recovery, but I still say it. I found it particularly galling in Arizona, where border agents and citizens are dying at an alarming rate because of our government’s failure to defend the border and the deaths barely make a blip on the national news.

Further, this case highlights the fact that the mentally challenged need more attention and care. This should come first and foremost from their families, and I say this as one whose family has been profoundly touched by mental illness. We spend millions of dollars weighing elementary school students and banning Happy Meals. If the government is going to stick its nose into health care, I’d rather they put that money into those without the mental acuity to do the things necessary to keep from being a danger to themselves and others.

Also it really bothers me that we made this case, a mental health tragedy, a referendum on political speech. I am no fan of Sarah Palin, but give me a break. She should no more be blamed for this than Santa Claus. I can’t help but see the talking head parade following this tragedy as just one more step toward an attempt to silence those who would dare speak out against liberal ideology and political correctness.

And finally, President Obama handled himself with grace and restraint in the wake of this. I’m glad that for once he chose to be a unifying presence. He did alright.

On the editing of Huckleberry Finn:  For those of you who may not know what I’m referring to, two literary scholars have taken on the task of removing the “N word” from Mark Twain’s classic novel and replacing it with the word “slave.” All slang terms referring to Native Americans will be removed as well. They are hoping this change will make the book “more acceptable” for today’s classrooms.

Pardon my redundancy, but give me a break! I don’t agree with it, to answer Nicole’s initial inquiry. Beyond that, the whole thing is so preposterous I am hard-pressed to think of what I can add to that. Is this what we have become? A nation of people so sensitive and so politically correct (pardon the redundancy again) that we can’t appreciate a classic work of fiction without taking to it with virtual white-out for the sake of those too stupid to understand that it is written in the language of the times? It’s being edited supposedly for the sake of the classroom, but that’s what the teacher is for, to add context.

On the superiority of Chinese mothers: This mother offered her thoughts on why Chinese mothers are better than Western mothers. Personally, if what she describes is “better”, then she can have it. I want to raise children who can think, not just pretend as if they can think. 

I didn’t disagree with everything she wrote. In particular, I thought she was spot on concerning our Western obsession with self-esteem. Still, she advocates a level of control that I am not comfortable exercising in the lives of my children. They are not personal reflection of my worth as a mother. They were made by God for His purposes, not mine. Sheila does an excellent job of analyzing this subject. I agree with her wholeheartedly. You should check it out.

A homemaking note: I ran across this book, in hardcover and pristine condition, at my local library for $1.00.  It is full of great tips, but the thing that prompted me to share was what the authors called the “ZAP” house cleaning system. Supposedly you can clean your whole house from top to bottom in three hours using it. Of course, I have 3 very handy helpers so we should be able to get it done in a third of the time. We’ll give a try Monday when school’s out. In the meantime, I tried using the system for cleaning individual rooms and I have to say that it is a faster, more thorough way to clean than I’d been using. You can find the entire book online for free. This link takes you straight to the “clean-your whole-house-top-to-bottom-in-three-hours” section. Hope someone finds it helpful!

Enjoy a restful, worshipful, family filled weekend.